But you can't control my thoughts

Look at me when I talk to you, I smile with my mouth but not my eyes. You talk to me and inside I'm annoyed, I try not to let it show, but I'm thinking that I'd rather not be having this conversation. I'm thinking that you shouldn't be allowed to tell me what to do, but you are and you do and I hate it.

So instead of telling you everything I'm thinking, I nod and I smile and I say okay, no problem. But it is a problem. It's a problem if I have to deal with you every day. It's a problem if I feel that I have little to no control over the situation. It's a problem if I come home in a bad mood because I try so hard to control what I say instead of blowing up every time I feel the need to explode. Because of you. Or you. Or anyone that rubs me the wrong way.

I tell you a part of what I'm thinking, but not all of it. Most likely because you won't understand, or you won't care, or both. My thoughts are my own, they are my private temple, they are the place I can go to when I just don't want to talk to you. When you are forcing me to listen and all I want to say is 'shut up' but that sounds childish even to my own ears. Inside my head I tell myself to suck it up, to let it go, to roll with the punches. But at the end of the day I come home drained and not interested in being with people because I kept my thoughts inside all day and it became too much.

You may be able to tell me what to do, and I may even have to do it against my better judgement. But you cannot control my thoughts. Inside I'm thinking how messed up this situation is, I'm thinking how dysfunctional this is. I won't even tell you what I'm thinking because it is not meant for you.

You don't control my thoughts. Inside my head I can be free. I can think what I will never say about anyone or anything. I can think about my darkest secrets and my deepest fears. I can go to so many places inside my head...

Sometimes I go to places where I shouldn't be. Dark places, even for me. I think about people or places or times that I vowed to never think about again. And the warning sign in my heads starts saying, stop. No, don't go there. It will just upset you. Stop.... please stop thinking about that.

You can't control my thoughts. Sometimes, even I cannot control them.

I dream of the day when I can tell people exactly what I'm thinking without repercussions.

But until then, I will grit my teeth and take what you are serving. Until I can't take it anymore.