"If I should have a daughter"

A friend sent me this video, and I really enjoyed it. Below is also the transcript of this poem by Sarah Kay called "If I should have a daughter".

Transcript "If I should have a daughter":

If I should have a daughter, instead of "Mom," she's gonna call me "Point B," because that way she knows that no matter what happens, at least she can always find her way to me. 

And I'm going to paint solar systems on the backs of her hands so she has to learn the entire universe before she can say, "Oh, I know that like the back of my hand." 

And she's going to learn that this life will hit you hard in the face, wait for you to get back up just so it can kick you in the stomach. But getting the wind knocked out of you is the only way to remind your lungs how much they like the taste of air. 

There is hurt, here, that cannot be fixed by Band-Aids or poetry. So the first time she realizes that Wonder Woman isn't coming, I'll make sure she knows she doesn't have to wear the cape all by herself because no matter how wide you stretch your fingers, your hands will always be too small to catch all the pain you want to heal. Believe me, I've tried. 

"And, baby," I'll tell her, don't keep your nose up in the air like that. I know that trick; I've done it a million times. You're just smelling for smoke so you can follow the trail back to a burning house, so you can find the boy who lost everything in the fire to see if you can save him. Or else find the boy who lit the fire in the first place, to see if you can change him." 

But I know she will anyway, so instead I'll always keep an extra supply of chocolate and rain boots nearby, because there is no heartbreak that chocolate can't fix. 

Okay, there's a few heartbreaks that chocolate can't fix. But that's what the rain boots are for, because rain will wash away everything, if you let it. 

I want her to look at the world through the underside of a glass-bottom boat, to look through a microscope at the galaxies that exist on the pinpoint of a human mind, because that's the way my mom taught me. 

That there'll be days like this. ♫ There'll be days like this, my momma said. ♫ When you open your hands to catch and wind up with only blisters and bruises; when you step out of the phone booth and try to fly and the very people you want to save are the ones standing on your cape; when your boots will fill with rain, and you'll be up to your knees in disappointment. 

And those are the very days you have all the more reason to say thank you. Because there's nothing more beautiful than the way the ocean refuses to stop kissing the shoreline, no matter how many times it's sent away. 

You will put the wind in winsome, lose some. You will put the star in starting over, and over. 

And no matter how many land mines erupt in a minute, be sure your mind lands on the beauty of this funny place called life. 

And yes, on a scale from one to over-trusting, I am pretty damn naive. But I want her to know that this world is made out of sugar. It can crumble so easily, but don't be afraid to stick your tongue out and taste it.

"Baby," I'll tell her, "remember, your momma is a worrier, and your poppa is a warrior, and you are the girl with small hands and big eyes who never stops asking for more." 

Remember that good things come in threes and so do bad things. And always apologize when you've done something wrong, but don't you ever apologize for the way your eyes refuse to stop shining. 

Your voice is small, but don't ever stop singing. 

And when they finally hand you heartache, when they slip war and hatred under your door and offer you handouts on street-corners of cynicism and defeat, you tell them that they really ought to meet your mother.

It's never too late

Tonight is the auspicious day of Yud Shvat. The day that the Lubavitcher Rebbe (Rabbi Menachem Mendel Schneerson) took over the leadership from his father-in-law, the previous Rebbe. It is a very special day for Chabad Chassidim, and all Jews. (As always, read more about it here at Chabad.org.)

The Rebbe's leadership lasts until today. Even though we cannot physically see him, we know that he is still here with us spiritually, guiding us and teaching us how to live our lives.

One of the main missions started by the Rebbe was shlichus, the idea of 'Ufaratzta'- going OUT into the world, finding Jews, igniting their neshamas, teaching them about yidishkeit and bringing them closer to Torah and hashem.

(Video) The Rebbe's mission statement, which his father-in-law (The Frierdiker Rebbe) said in the name of the Alter Rebbe, is that there are three things: Love of G-d, Love of Torah, and Love of your fellow Jew. These three are all one, and cannot be separated. And because they are all one essence, when you grasp a part of the essence, you are simultaneously grasping all of it. One cannot exist without the other two. Merely Love of G-d by itself will not last, without love of Torah and love of your fellow Jew.

When the Rebbe accepted the leadership, he said clearly, don't think that you have hired me to do the job for you, and now you can idly enjoy your life. This is a joint mission- mine and yours. Meaning, the Rebbe is here to help us and guide us in our work here on earth, but not to take the burden from us. You must carry out the mission which the Rebbe entrusted to you completely with body and soul. You have to do the work and get the job done. You must transform your worldliness and material passions and elevate them to the realm of kedusha.

The Frierdiker Rebbe said, that when the Mishkan was built in the dessert, it could have been built from private individual funds. But all Jews had the opportunity to contribute. It was the same when building the Bais Hamikdash. Money was collected from every tribe, even though Dovid Hamelech could have covered the expenses himself. When the Frierdiker Rebbe commissioned 'the sefer Torah of Moshiach', he did not want it to be his own personal endeavor, but rather a group effort. He wanted all Jews to participate.

And so it is with the final mission which the Frierdiker Rebbe (and consequently our Rebbe) entrusted to us- to make this world a dwelling place for Hashem. It is a beautiful thing. The Rebbe gave us a gift by allowing us to participate in this final effort. He did not take all responsibility, he entrusted us with the mission of bringing Moshiach.

And one beautiful thing that the Rebbe lived by was- "S'iz nita kein farfallen"- it is never too late. Not for any Jew. It is never too late to start doing good, to start learning and growing. It is never too late and you can never have gone so far that you couldn't find your way home.

And the Rebbe, with all the light he brought into this world, will be there, guiding you and lighting the way.

Get off my Efinn' property

One, two, three,
Get off my property.
You are a bully.
But you won't get to me.

Your words are mean.
The world's gone green.
Let's keep it clean.
Don't make a scene.

Get a move on,
Let's go.
Everybody say
Hey ho.

The party won't start
Till you move on out.
You're not wanted here
No doubt.

Free speech man,
That's cool.
But on my land,
I rule.

I say what I want,
Don't care what you think.
Don't speak your mind.
You need a shrink.

The word you're looking for is
Craaazy.
Or as they say, "Cray Cray"
You are Insanity.

Your opinions,
Mean naught
Don't care for
Your thoughts.

You think that
You're right.
No need to start
A fight.

You don't like what I say,
Don't matter to me.
I don't insult you
When I disagree.

You want to argue?
But don't throw a fit.
You think I'm wrong?
I don't give a ----

Conspiracy theory?

This video made me very sad and disgusted. Why do people feel the need to bring politics into EVERYTHING? 26 people died, and sick delusional people have the audacity to claim that it was a hoax by the government to assert gun control? Are you freakin insane???

I don't recommend watching this video. It just made me mad. People can make up whatever they want. You think 9/11 was staged too? You think the government killed thousands of people in order to 'control us' more?

Do you think the Holocaust didn't happen? Where was the proof in that? Maybe 6 million Jews didn't die. You start off a video by claiming that you do not claim the shooting did not take place. Then what's your point? That these people never existed? That no one died? That they were all actors?

How far are you going to take it? Paranoid people get locked up because they think that everyone is out to get them. What do you gain by claiming that the Government is out to get us?

Will you go so far as to sully the memory of the 26 people who died? Will you go so far as to say that some of them may not have died? That they were all actors? That this was entirely staged?

Bring all the evidence you want. You are making this as political as you claim the government is doing. You think the government is using this as an excuse to assert gun control? All you are doing is using a horrific tragedy to blame the government for whatever faults you see in them.

Let the deceased rest in peace, and take your insanity elsewhere.

Sinking

All I've heard all day is drilling. They are doing construction in my office. Everyone is walking around with face masks. The dust is thick. A guy came by our office and said, "I think I just breathed in half your floor". That's how bad it is.

It started with a small hole. I don't know how there came to be a hole in the floor. But they just covered it up with a board and said don't go near it.

Today a construction crew came to fix the hole. But it didn't look like they were fixing it. The whole day they kept drilling and drilling and the hole kept getting bigger and bigger. Is that how you fix a hole? By making it bigger?

The hole is so big now you can't even walk directly across the floor, you need to make a roundabout route to get to the other side of the office. I can still hear the drill in my head pounding away. Every time I breath in I expect to get a mouthful of dust.

We have 'holes' in life too. Problems, sometimes of our own making, and sometimes they just came to be. We need to fix them somehow. By making the hole bigger?

When a person is sick, sometimes they need to get sicker before they can get better.

I don't know where this analogy is going. All I know is that there is a huge hole in our floor.

And I wonder if, sometimes the hole gets too big that you just can't fix it.

Liar Liar

They said I didn't know how to lie.

They said I told the truth even when it got me in trouble.

I took pride in that.

But we all know that lies start small.

Call it... half truths.

Bluffs.

We do them every day.

When someone asks you how you are and you say you are feeling fine when really-
you are not.

When someone offers you their snack and you say you're not hungry when you are.

We do it all the time and we think it's okay because- we are trying to protect someone.

These lies roll off your tongue every day.

Sometimes others ask you to lie for them.

When someone calls- tell them I'm not here.

Call work and tell them I'm sick.

These little lies... do you still cringe inside when you say them?

Do you still feel bad for deceiving someone?

When you stop feeling bad, that is when you know you've crossed to the other side.

If you say the lies long enough... will you start believing them?

They come so easily now.

After awhile, they sound like truths even in your own head.

Liar liar.

They've got you.

Friend or Foe?

Idle men on the sidewalk are a cause for alarm. Shuffling feet, mismatched shoes. Just standing around, watching.

I walk by nervously and repeat the only thing that comes to mind- 'Ulechol benei Yisrael lo yecheratz-kelev leshono'. (The quote you say when a dog barks at you.)

Over and over again I repeat it, walking by briskly, holding on tightly to my purse, looking straight ahead and not at him. Heart beating fast.

And then as I pass by he says, "Hello girlfriend. You get home safely you hear."

Ironically, this is from the man I thought was going to kill me.

I guess sometimes the ones you think will harm you turn out to be your ally.

The shape of an L on her forehead

Who ever thinks about high school once it's over? Throw up your hat at graduation, move on and never look back. Alumni? Reunions? Who cares. Life gets in the way. School. Marriage. Kids. Important things. Most people stay in touch with only a handful of people from high school. People make friends with their 'best friends for life' from seminary, college, etc. High school is rarely thought about, if ever.

I happen to have had a decent relationship with my high school principals, and I am still close to a few girls from high school. I met my 'inner circle' friends in seminary. But I still chat with girls from high school now and again. When someone came up with an idea for an Alumni newsletter, I said sure why not. I even volunteered to be class head, which means it is my job to get the mazal tov's and news and any submissions from my former classmates.

The problem is, my class is not interested. I get it. Our high school was small. How many times a month are girls having babies and getting married? Yes it is a beautiful idea to keep in touch, however I understand why girls would not be interested in reading it or hearing about it.

So why do I feel like a loser for trying? When girls email to say 'please stop including me in this, it's really annoying' I know it's dumb to take it personally. But then I get to thinking, am I the only one doing this because, unlike the majority of my classmates I am still single? Does one have anything to do with the other? So basically I'm one of the last of my classmates not married. Of the married girls, most of them already have babies. Yay.

I'm not bitter or jealous. I know those are things you say when you really are feeling those emotions. But I am genuinely happy for every single one of my classmates. It is just hard to feel like I have too much free time, what with no husband or baby. Another girl thanked me for taking the time to let them know what is going on. Maybe I'm just projecting. But if they don't care, then why should I?

I could write a lame poem. I can laugh and brush it off. I can excuse myself, defend myself, pretend that it doesn't bother me. But sometimes straight-forward honesty works best.

I was never going to be one of those girls. I don't discuss dating, I don't bemoan my 'single fate'. I write because I genuinely enjoy writing. Is it stupid that I'm bothered because my class doesn't care about the alumni newsletter? Or does the fact that they don't care bother me because I'm thinking too much into it?

I get it. You've moved on. I just wish that I could feel like I've moved on too.

On Cell phones ('N More)

I just noticed that my new HTC phone's logo has a lower case h. That will now annoy me forever.

And a lower case i in iPhone? Really Apple, is that how you feel about yourself?

Did you ever notice stores that have names like 'Sofas N More', 'Muffins N More', 'Toner N More'? What's the 'More'? Can't you just call the store 'Sofas'. 'Muffins'. 'Toner'. Then at least people know what you sell. The whole 'N More' leaves a mystery that I don't really care for.

Men wearing Uggs. What's up with that?

I just discovered that the USPS is a government funded program. Now it makes total sense why they are so slow and unreliable like, all of the time.

Fridays are the busiest day in our office, being that we cram a normal 8 hour day into 4 short hours. And you want to know a funny thing? We get all the work done in half the amount of time it normally takes us. We answer hundreds of emails and phone calls, and there's this energy like move move move rush rush rush we gotta leave at 1 so let's go. One Friday I was on the phone with a guy, and answering an email at the same time. I am learning to multi-task. Good skill to have. (Of course when prospective employers ask me, I say I can multi-task. That's a lie. I can't. I also don't have patience. But really, who would hire me if I ever told the truth?)

My office is within walking distance of my house, but on lazy days I take the bus. When I walk, I like to change my route every so often, change of scenery and all. I passed by a building a few times that looked fairly new. I couldn't tell if it was an apartment building or an office building or a medical building. It has a certain look about it. It also has very clean sidewalks outside. I don't know what that says about it. So every time I would pass by, I noticed a guy dressed like a handyman sweeping the sidewalks. I guess he's in maintenance.

One day he said good morning to me as I passed by. I am generally wary of strangers so I mumbled good morning and kept walking. The next day he said good morning to me. I might have had a look on my face that said "I don't know you so why are you talking to me", because he smiled and said to me "Don't worry, I'll be here every day, you'll get to know me." 

I wasn't sure how I felt about that. When I walked by on Xmas he wasn't there. The next day he was there and he said all nice and friendly, "Hey how was your holiday, alright, good to see you".

Ya, I think it's time to change my route.

Have a good Shabbos!

P.S. I love when it's still light outside when I leave work. I think Spring is coming. Yay.

Fear of dogs

In the words of Franklin D. Roosevelt, "The only thing we have to fear is fear itself — nameless, unreasoning, unjustified terror which paralyzes needed efforts to convert retreat into advance."

Being that we know the only fear in the world worth having is fear of G-d, I do believe most fears are irrational. Fear of spiders. Fear of clowns. Fear of open spaces.

Some fears are justifiable. Fear of heights makes sense, because being up so high there is the possibility that you may fall. Fear of small spaces- you may get stuck and not be able to get out.

I don't have many fears, at least not the kind that are easily describable. I do get a little claustrophobic, which is not really a fear more a nuisance. And I suffer a touch of xenophobia. (Look it up.)

Yes, I embarrassed myself by shrieking like a girl while I was trying to kill a cockroach, but only because I was scared it was going to get away. (Give me that one.)

I'm not scared of dogs. I love most dogs. When I was little my neighbor had two dogs, Foxy and Looly. I felt so cool when I got to walk them. (I hear they died.) Dogs are fun. When they don't bark. Or threaten to bite.

Last year Pesach, I was hanging out with my niece. She had just turned two and was learning to talk. We saw a dog and I said, look at the dog. She kept repeating, "Hi dog, hi dog, woowoo (she can't say 'ruff ruff'.) It was so cute.

Last Shabbos I had the enjoyable experience of spending time with her again. She is now almost three. We went outside to the swings. I saw a little dog and said let's go see the doggie. She said, "No, I scared." Can't argue with that.

I don't know who taught her to fear dogs. Kids learn fears, they are not born with them. My family as a general rule is not scared of animals or things that most people are scared of. But kids learn it from their peers and teachers and the people they spent time with.

I am not going to tell someone, walk by yourself late at night with no protection because hey, no need to fear anyone or anything besides G-d. Even G-d said, protect yourself. Don't rely on miracles.

But don't buy into the fear. It will just hold you back from all the wonderful things you could be doing. Remember that fear is irrational and it is not real.

"The only thing to fear is fear itself."

Locked Doors

Shades drawn,
To protect from the outside.
You can run
But you can't hide.

Glass strewn everywhere,
Bleak black buildings,
The streets tell a story,
And not a pretty one.

Down in the Dumps,
It's a real place.
Where you live,
Nowhere else to go.

You try your best,
But you know,
They are right outside
Waiting for you.

There's no escaping,
The sounds,
The smell,
The desperation.

People walk by quickly,
Nay, they run.
To get away from there,
As fast as they can.

Eyes peer through the curtains
As I hurry by
Just passing through
On my way home.

Home.
Where there's light and food and company.
Where it's safe
And warm.

Sticks and stones
May break your bones
And thin metal doors
Cannot protect you.

And I thank G-d
I'm not you.

Candy WOMAN

She's sweet like sugar,
Like a gumball that explodes in your mouth
And turns your tongue blue.
She's fun like that.

And when I say, "I want candy"
And she asks what kind,
And I say never mind,
She comes anyway, with the candy that she knows I like.

Cuz she's sweet like that.

She's awesome.
My candy WOMAN.

But you can't control my thoughts

Look at me when I talk to you, I smile with my mouth but not my eyes. You talk to me and inside I'm annoyed, I try not to let it show, but I'm thinking that I'd rather not be having this conversation. I'm thinking that you shouldn't be allowed to tell me what to do, but you are and you do and I hate it.

So instead of telling you everything I'm thinking, I nod and I smile and I say okay, no problem. But it is a problem. It's a problem if I have to deal with you every day. It's a problem if I feel that I have little to no control over the situation. It's a problem if I come home in a bad mood because I try so hard to control what I say instead of blowing up every time I feel the need to explode. Because of you. Or you. Or anyone that rubs me the wrong way.

I tell you a part of what I'm thinking, but not all of it. Most likely because you won't understand, or you won't care, or both. My thoughts are my own, they are my private temple, they are the place I can go to when I just don't want to talk to you. When you are forcing me to listen and all I want to say is 'shut up' but that sounds childish even to my own ears. Inside my head I tell myself to suck it up, to let it go, to roll with the punches. But at the end of the day I come home drained and not interested in being with people because I kept my thoughts inside all day and it became too much.

You may be able to tell me what to do, and I may even have to do it against my better judgement. But you cannot control my thoughts. Inside I'm thinking how messed up this situation is, I'm thinking how dysfunctional this is. I won't even tell you what I'm thinking because it is not meant for you.

You don't control my thoughts. Inside my head I can be free. I can think what I will never say about anyone or anything. I can think about my darkest secrets and my deepest fears. I can go to so many places inside my head...

Sometimes I go to places where I shouldn't be. Dark places, even for me. I think about people or places or times that I vowed to never think about again. And the warning sign in my heads starts saying, stop. No, don't go there. It will just upset you. Stop.... please stop thinking about that.

You can't control my thoughts. Sometimes, even I cannot control them.

I dream of the day when I can tell people exactly what I'm thinking without repercussions.

But until then, I will grit my teeth and take what you are serving. Until I can't take it anymore.

As dumb as you are...

I have come to learn that as dumb as a person may be sometimes, there is always someone dumber than you.

Like, when a cop pulls you over and says, "Son, do you know why I pulled you over?" It is a trick question. NEVER answer it.

Ever copied a sentence here and there from Wikipedia and tried to pass it off as your own? This is called plagiarism and it is frowned upon  illegal. But did you ever know someone so dumb as to copy a WHOLE essay from online? Now that takes guts.

Whenever I do something stupid and I'm thinking, how dumb could I be, I just laugh and think, "Haha, but what about that idiot". And I feel so much better.

Mending

Looking in the rear view mirror
I see her
Insecure
A dark and twisted blur.

I can't control my rage,
To see her going through this stage
At such a young age.
Stuck in this cage.

And I wonder when
Time will mend
The pain, when this will end
Can't see her like this, my friend.

I laugh mirthlessly,
Why can't you see
What you are doing to yourself and to me,
Hear my plea.

"Out of the darkness and into the sun"
Can we run
Till we're done
No more 'fun'?

Leave the past behind
No more searching blind.
We will find
Peace of mind.

One day we will be whole
Find your soul
Hidden in the coal
Reach our goal.

Break away,
Another day,
No more skies gray
We should pray.

Beaming with pride,
We crossed the divide
Made it to the other side
Let the pain subside. 

A time to rend,
A time to mend.
Around the bend,
I saw the end.

We made it.
Some never do, but we did.
So we can kiss the past goodbye.
Memories locked up inside.

Let them go,
Set them free,
You and me-
We are whole now.

I watched the wound close,
Know one knows,
What we chose.
From the dust we arose.

Look at us-
Look at you, look at me.
We're mended.
No going back ever.

Never.

A dolla makes me holla

"'Scuse me miss, do you got a dollar?".

Yes. I do 'got' a dollar. My last dollar. So I reach into my wallet and give it to her. Because she asked me. Because she probably needs it more than I do. The fact that she was not Jewish, or that there was a chance she might grab my purse didn't matter. I am used to giving charity to poor people sitting outside the Jewish stores. It is not as common to get a request for money from a random person on the street, but it does happen.

Let her use the money for drugs, or whatever it is that people accuse other people of using charity for. Maybe she needed it. Maybe she just wanted what I had. Who knows. But a dollar is a dollar and it doesn't mean a lot to me.

A dollar is not even half the fair for the bus, it won't even pay for a complete wash at the laundromat. A dollar will not buy a full meal, it will hardly get me far. It will not buy me coffee, and I don't drink coffee. It might buy a bag or two of chips, or some laffy taffys, which I can do without.

I think about my paycheck I will be getting tomorrow, and I wonder how much money I will have left over after expenses to transfer to my savings account. Should I pay my credit card now, or later? My biggest worry is trying to decide if I should use some of my savings when my checking account is running low. It is a blessing that I am financially stable and do not worry about money.

You want my dollar? Take it. Take it lady, because it breaks my heart to hear about what poor people go through, how homeless men try to take shelter from the freezing cold, and I thank G-d that I have shelter, and food, and yes, money. I may not be rich but I have more than some. And that is enough for me.

So take my dollar. Because you need it more than I do.