My choice

It is that instant when you make a mental decision. There is much debate in psychology about the subconscious. Psychologist didn't use to believe that there was anything in our minds besides our conscious thoughts. But of course we know that to not be true. It is when you do something purposely to hurt someone and you say, 'I guess subconsciously I was really upset at her...' Or you have a major decision to make, and you say 'I don't really know what I want to do.'

Our minds have layers. Sometimes thoughts are clear and surface level. We are hungry. We are tired. We are sad. We know what we are feeling at any given time. Then there are the times when a thought lurks just below the surface and we don't quite know what it is we are really thinking.

It is that split second when your mind decides it does not want to be here. And then the rest follows. It is very hard to be somewhere when you have already decided that you don't want to be there.

Are you wasting your time? Is there a way to push through that mental barrier? Should you force yourself to stay when all you really want to do is leave? Get up off your chair, walk out that door, gasp the fresh night air, and run far away into the night.

I thought I had come far enough in life that I can make my own decisions and leave if I wanted to. But what of self-control? Sometimes, as grown ups, we need to make the decision that is best for us, even if it does not make us happy.

The desire was to leave, but I am going to stay, and prove to myself that I can do it. And I will make myself proud.