Like it's 5 am

It's 5:30 AM and I am awake. Not because I woke up early, but because I haven't gone to sleep yet. I just drove my little brother to the meeting place for his class trip. They are going to Hershey Park. I guess it's considered a graduation trip, since he's graduating eighth grade this Sunday. (Can I interject an 'awwww' moment here? My little baby is graduating!)

It's a weird feeling to walk outside at 5 am- and be greeted by complete daylight. It could be any time of day out there. But my brain knows it's still night time for me, as is evident from my constant yawning, and my tired eyes.

I went to a friend's lechaim last night, and it was really nice to see my classmates whom I haven't seen since the last wedding. And another friend whom I haven't seen in a few months.

There are a lot of changes happening in the near future. My parents are moving, I'm looking for an apartment, and a job. I'm going to be on my own and independent. Yes, I've been independent since I went away for high school when I was 14. But this is different. Then, I went home every so often. I always had a base to return to. Of course I will still go visit my parents once in awhile, but I don't think it will be 'home'. Once you reach a certain age, home becomes wherever you lie down to sleep.

I don't like change. It makes me nervous. I want to be settled and know where I'm going. I want my future to be clear and certain. But it's not. And that scares me.

But I realized two things.

1) Attitude really does matter. Yes, the situation will turn out however it will, and I don't have full control over that. But what I have full control over is how I react to it. I can freak out and sit on a bench on Eastern Parkway and mope about how my life is falling apart- or I can calm down and say, this too shall pass. Everything will work out. "It's All Good". And you know what, I am happier, calmer, and more at peace when I think that way.

And 2) There is someone much bigger than me who is controlling the world. And as much as I worry about what comes next, what I should do, He knows. Hashem knows that I am here, He knows that I am looking for a job, He knows that I need an apartment. He knows, but I didn't tell Him. I didn't turn to Him, I didn't ask Him. I forgot. I forgot that it's not just me, little Altie who makes the decisions. Hashem runs the world. He knows, He sees, He hears. And He listens when you talk to Him.

And I know that G-d won't let me down.