It was all a joke

To all of you:

This apology is not mine, but I feel it must be said. Regarding all this tumult in the blogging community, and in particular this post and letter, I was just told that it was a joke. There is no 'tznius committee'. There are no lunatics out there trying to shut down my blog. (Not that I know of at least.)

It was just the work of two bloggers out to have some fun and play a practical purim joke. So haha, the jokes on me.

But to my credit, had it been real, I still think I handled it well.

10 minutes early

I finally realized why I'm always late. This time I was 10 minutes early. What's 10 minutes, right? Oh, well when you are the one waiting for something, 10 minutes can be a loooooooong time. And no amount of looking at the clock, walks around the hall, or elevator rides can make the time go by faster. Oh no, I prefer to come late.

Pebble in my shoe

Pebble in my shoe,

where are you,

as you move around and bother me so much.

You ruin my concentration,

as I walk from the station,

all the while thinking what a nuisance you are.

I lean against the wall,

as I stand in the hall,

to take off my shoe and dump you out.

You are smaller then a grain of rice,

well isn't that nice,

that a tiny thing like you could cause such disruption.

So next time you think

of residing in my shoe,

think again, cuz you are unwanted here.

You cause me such pain,

and I get no gain,

little pebble in my shoe

I can't stand you.

Splash!

Darkness, pouring rain, glasses that are the wrong prescription, and generally low visibility at night are not a good combination for driving.

The rain literally pounded at the windshield and I was bent forward in my seat, eyes scrunched, trying to see the road, and I saw it! The yellow line! The whole time telling myself, don't go over the line, don't go over the line, you're fine, just drive.

I thought about being nervous. I was wondering why I wasn't nervous about driving in such conditions, and if I should perhaps tell myself to be nervous. But then I realized that if G-d forbid anything happened to me, it's better to be calm about it then to freak out, right?

And so I smiled as I drove, though I could hardly see, and then it started raining harder and I laughed. I love the rain. I love the way it makes my hair look all messy, I love the feel of it on my skin, I love the freedom of it pouring down and blowing all over the place. And of course I love the cleansing feeling it brings, as it washes away all the dirt. So I left my coat open as I walked from the car and I let the rain drench me, cuz it felt so good.

And as I drove with the rain pouring down on the roof of the car, and the streets flooded, and as I drove through the huge puddles which sprayed everywhere (that was the best part, I always wanted to try that!), I said, hey G-d, if you hear me over all this noise, please watch over me and make sure I get home safely. I'm not driving right now, it's You who is. Cuz really, I can barely see, and I don't feel like crashing right now.

And apparently He still needs me down here, cuz B"H I got home safely, and here I am to tell the tale.

Hope

Hope is reconnecting with old friends. And making new ones.

Hope is right before dawn, when the sky is turning a deep deep blue, preparing for a new day.

Hope is goosebumps and jitters, like when you are high on coffee.

Hope is a rose in full bloom.

Hope is a smile, bright as the sun.

Hope is words, encouraging, sweet, believing, refreshing.

Hope is a song, a song in the ears, a song in the heart.

Hope is like petals of a flower, soft and smooth.

It's there. Sometimes I forget. There are times when hope seems so far away, when everything is dark and it seems like there will never again be light.

But then hope comes in one form or another. And it reminds me that there is a G-d, and that the world is good. I just have to open my eyes and see it. Let it come to me, let it filter in to my world and my existance.

It's there. Let it touch you with it's soft wings.

Purim!!!

Humpty dumpty sat on a wall, humpty dumpty had a great fall... and you know the rest of the story. But now Humpty's existence is being called into question. Is he an egg? And how, exactly, do we come to know this? Read about it here.

So purim is a week away. My sister bought a whole bunch of junk food and baskets and bags, but I still don't know what I'm giving. If you think you should get a shaloch manos from me but you are not sure that I will remember you, make sure to leave me a comment. Thanks.

I would like to give a big thanks to G-d, and to the creater of ice. It was an ingenius idea if you ask me. Try to find the good in everything. Like when you are in pain, but ice makes it feel a little better, you say, thank G-d for ice, instead of saying holy #*%$ that hurts.

And of course in this month of Adar, the happiest month of the year, you are supposed to be happy, not sad. So even though I don't feel like it, I'm going to tell all of you dear readers to get that damn smile on your face and smile for all you are worth. And be happy! Even when you are not.

It'll be good, I know it. Be happy, cuz Purim's coming.

^ ^

When I'm in a destructive mood, I delete friends on facebook. The ones who are meaningless and I don't even know... goodbye, not-friends of mine.

Purim- then and now

Purim's in a little over a week!

Yes I have to admit that purim as an adult (or a generic adult, something along those lines) is not as much fun as it was when I was a kid, when we got to dress up and traipse all over the city delivering shaloch manos to our 25 little classmates, friends and neighbors, and teachers, eat tons of junk food, throw up, trade stuff with the siblings, take whatever we wanted from the table that wasn't being claimed yet, eat more junk food, eat some real food at the seudah, fall asleep with clown make up still on our faces, (littles girls are queen Esther, naturally, but once you're a bit older you need a more mature costume and clown just seemed beffiting for me.) throw up again, go to school the next day (or day after that) and trade more junk food for better tasting junk food and eat and eat until it was all gone. Oh of course hear the megila being shushed in shul by all the adults, wave around out cute little (notice that everything in regards to kids is 'little' in my mind) handmade graggers, and stom our feet at Haman's name. Oh what glorious glorious times we had.

Now I barely make one or two shaloch manoses just to get the mitzva. Sit at home waiting for people to come to me, bored, whiling the day away, don't bothered getting dressed up cuz that's what little kids do. It's just not fun anymore.

Is that how everyone feels, or am I just a real party pooper?

Oh and get this: this year for my shaloch manos I'm making a salad or some other such health foods. DON'T tell me I'm boring. Junk food is so over rated.

Little kids and ice cream

Try watching a little kid eat ice cream and watch a video at the same time. It is amusing. Their eyes are focused intently on the screen, the ice cream dripping down and their little tounges going lick lick every few seconds. It almost seems like the ice cream will melt completely before they finish licking it.

Wait for it, wait for it.... and PLOP! Lol.

Ok now I'm in the mood for ice cream.

So when's the next simcha?

Somebody, please get married!! Or have a baby. Or get engaged. Or get engaged, then get married, then have a baby.

Wow my life is so boring I keep thinking, what's next, what's next, then what's next after that. Here's what I've come up with:

In 2 weeks is purim. Then my friends wedding. A month after that is pesach. Then something very exciting is happening. You'll find out. Then about a month after that is my birthday. Then a week after that is Shavuos. Then a few weeks after that is summer. Then my little brothers bar mitzva! (He's the baby in the family, and the last bar mitzva.)

Then summer, then try to come up with plans for next year... yadayadayada...

Will somebody please get married?? Or something else exciting. Oh my G-d, maybe global warming will actually happen finally, all the snow will melt and we will have to row away in boats, with all our earthly possessions...

Or the year 2012 will come true and the earth will be destroyed...

Huminahuminahumina.

On phones and stuff

Once upon a time I thought I was so cool to have a cell phone. Now, I just feel like a dork because I have a flip phone, (which are sooooo out of style, and according to Chunky, anyone with a flip phone is ugly.) Go figure.

This is for you

“Friends are God's way of apologizing to us for our families.”

You know who you are. To every single one of you who has been a friend to me, and there are so many, this is a thank you for being in my life.

Oh and a special shout out to the girl with the red flower in her hair who is currently in Israel. I miss you!

And to the one who lives just a subway ride away, and whom I never see, hi! Keep smiling, and I like your laugh.

(Special mentions on my blog are for special people only. If you feel that I left you out by accident, let me know so I can correct my mistake.)

Inside looking out

I wanna splatter paint on a wall. I wanna skate board. I wanna sing. I can't sing. I don't have such great singing abilities. But I need to do something more then write a whole bunch of exclamation marks in chat, no matter how good that makes me feel.

The snow is pretty. So so pretty from this side of the glass. I feel like a fish in a fish tank, looking out at the world from my little empire. All I need is some sponges and fake plants.

I saw this quote on Shorty's blog, thanks, I really like it:

"I may not have gone where I intended to go, but I think I have ended up where I needed to be." -Douglas Adams

It is true. It is so true. I am a firm believer, thanks to my mama who brought us up well, that G-d has a plan for you, and you are always where you are supposed to be, even if it doesn't seem that way at the moment. And yet, why do I doubt. Why do I keep saying, I don't know, I don't know. Why do I ask 5 different people for advice, and then still have no idea what to do?

So what do you want to be when you grow up? I have no idea. I'm not done growing up, but I have no idea. People talk about finding a passion in life, something you really love doing that makes you happy, and makes you feel good about yourself. I haven't found mine yet.

I'm listening to music. Music is calming, it's perfect. It just is. In music there is just sounds and lyrics. There's no confusion, just soothing sounds.

And I just keep wondering, when? When is everything supposed to fall into place? Ever? Life is like a jigsaw puzzle. (Ok, life is like a box of chocolates, but me and chocolates aren't speaking at the moment.) I just can't seem to figure out what goes where. It's like there are some pieces that are missing, and I can't solve the puzzle.

But the snow, the beautiful snow keeps falling. It is a wonderful wintry world out there and I, I'm still stuck in my fish tank.

A poem, for those times when words aren't enough

The page is blank
waiting to be written on
but no thoughts, no words
my mind is empty tonight.

This is me
this is who I am
I seek not, approval
nor followers,
nor friends.

Do not come to me with questions
for I have no answers
do not turn to me for advice
cuz I do not know what to say

This is me
this is who i am
when you take off the mask
and strip off the layers

I think what I want
but I do not write what I want
approval
a bitter bitter word

Can I not like whom I want without wondering what you will say?
what does it really matter
what you think?

Be true to yourself
cuz at the end of the day
when all of those who were 'friends' have left you,
and when the world does not see you
only YOU will matter.
only you.

This is me
this is who I am
if you do not like it
you came to the wrong place.

Onwards!

It is so frustrating!!! This time of year is so familiar. I walk the streets and hear shouts and squeels of "omegosh, omegosh, omegosh!!!!!!! I haven't seen you in soooo looooong!!!! Hi!!!!!!!!" I see groups of girls congregrating everywhere. It brings back memories, of another time, same place.

Ya I used to be in high school. Ya, I'm old now. Ahhhh, once so young and pure, and now, a little older and less pure.

I saw some girls I'm friends with who are still in high school. We are from two different worlds and suddenly, I can't relate to them. They are complaining about school and teachers and production and tests, and I think about my life. My life, how it was supposed to be so different.

I wonder if these girls will be dancing at my wedding soon, and if to them I will always be the 'older girl who was once in high school with us and was so much fun and cut class all the time but is now old and so boring.' No, I have no desire to get old whatsoever. Old people scare me.

My grandmother celebrated her 80'th birthday today. Ka''h, may she have many more happy and healthy years. But still, I'm scared to grow old.

So what do you do when you are done with high school, finished seminary, the 'system' which you never wanted to be a part of in the first place has no place for you anymore...? Um, get married?

Good plan. Now I just have to find the right guy. (And in my head, the song 'where oh where' is playing merrily.... tralalalalalala)