Happy Birthday

I'm standing outside and the sound of rain envelopes me, and that's the way I like it. It's dark out and the trees create a cover so somehow I'm not getting wet. I think I smell cigarettes nearby.
It's late, I'm tired and my body needs rest. But my brain is on high alert. It's hard talking to people all the time. I need a break.

I'm thinking about leaving. I think about that a lot these days. That seems to be the theme of my life. Things go well and then they don't anymore and then I just want to leave. Only this time, I'm actually doing it.

I can't say for sure where I'm going and I don't know how long I'll be gone.

Sometimes I wish I didn't feel so alone.

But I look up at the sky and it's not black and it's not invisible. Without the city lights and sounds the sky is indigo blue, it has a color. Who knew.

The trees create a clearing and I can see the sky. Tilt my head up and I see the outlines of the trees etched out as a boarder.

I breathe in the country air. This is the place for me.

27 years ago a soul fell down from heaven and chose to enter me. It's a hard journey. It really is.

I wish I had a projector and could run slides of all my years. I wish I could remember it all. It's a wonder I remember anything at all.

I don't know what this year will hold. I wish I could say. I wish I had a plan, a goal, a dream. I wish I could glimpse into the future. But what would be the fun in knowing?

I guess in some way this trip is a gift to myself. It's better to look at it like that then saying that I'm running away. Because I don't think I can run anymore. I'm tired. It's exhausting. I want to settle down. I don't want to avoid life anymore.

I need to dim my phone so I can see the blackness, the beauty of the night sky. Isn't that what life is all about? Tuning out so we can appreciate what's really important in life.

I'm making this up as I go. Maybe you can tell. Don't take my word for it. I'm clueless.

Happy birthday to me and a good year for all.