The world has changed

Oh the world has changed. I have changed. When I come across old blog posts I wrote years ago, it's like meeting an old friend. There you are, "old sport". Oh how I've missed you. I long for simpler times... But we forget, don't we, that those times were anything but simple.
We forget who we are and where we came from, and that compels us to want to go back there, to BE our old selves in our old lives.
But short of time travel, we can never go back. And truly, would you want to?

A couple of years ago when I finished school and was planning to move out of New York, I was hit by a wave of such anxiety and fear I called my mother and cried on the phone, I couldn't catch my breath. She was out with my father at a restaurant and she was worried about me. And I just cried, I was scared, I was lonely, I had no idea what came next for me and that scared the hell out of me.
She told me to calm down and go do something or be with someone. I ended up taking a walk with a friend I seldom hung out with, and we kind of shot the breeze and talked about life in general. I felt better just being out with someone even though I couldn't really talk about what was bothering me.

I'd like to think I've changed since then. I still have moments of anxiety, fear and loneliness. But this time, I remind myself that I'm ok, that I have friends who care about me. And I call these friends, or text them, or make plans to go to them for Shabbos. I surround myself with the people that make me feel loved, and distance myself from the ones who hurt me.

I go to the gym and feel powerful. Or I go to the library and sit quietly reading the Reader's Digest and laugh, and cry a little because their stories always make me cry. Or I watch a funny TV show or a movie. I do something to try and take my mind off of what's worrying me or bothering me.

It doesn't always work. Sometimes I run so fast and hard away from the hard things in life, the questions I'm too afraid to ask myself, as if by running I can outrun them, outsmart them, as if they'll never find me here.

But they always do. And the more I run, the harder they get. They'll never go away. And they aren't supposed to. It's difficult to take a hard look at your life and see, like a graph, the path you imagined yourself is now outside the lines, it's gone off course. And that is not to say that you had your life and future mapped out by the age of 18, certainly you did not. It was as murky then as it is now at times. But then, you had an idea or a vision or were influenced by your family, school, mentors to take the path that you set out for, and then it didn't turn out that way. You came to crossroads after crossroads and eventually ended up in very unfamiliar territory.
How to deal with this? How to reconcile the You you imagined you would be with the You that you are now? Is it OK, how you turned out? Do you feel guilty for the choices you made, if they are not exactly by the books?

The problem with guilt is, it doesn't stop us from doing the things we feel are wrong, only it makes us feel bad about doing them. And unhealthy guilt is just that- unhealthy.

So let it go. Ah, letting go. The title of the popular song which I hate.
How can you let it go? Are you a bad person for living the life you once thought was wrong? For neglecting the things that were most important? You hear your conscience or the voice of your teacher, mentor or mother telling you what's right, and you know what's right but it's not right for you, not right now.
Maybe one day. Maybe never. Maybe this is who you are now and you have to learn to accept yourself, flaws and all.

It's hard. It's hard to feel like you've given up on yourself. And I do feel that way sometimes. I once had a dream to be a writer. And not only have I pretty much stopped writing, I've stopped trying. Stopped believing that I could. That I could publish a book someday. Or work for a magazine, or help other people with my talent and skill. I can recognize that I have talent and skill but I feel like it's been hiding for too long now.

And every time I think about my "life's calling" or what I want to do long term for a career, although I hate the word career because it denotes money and that's not my goal, I always used to think that writing would somehow factor in.
And yet, I've been going from job to job and not sticking around long for various reasons. I've found a place that seems to want me around but I'm most happier when I think of handing in my resignation. What is it about jobs that make me feel that way? Is it the moment I find their flaws? When the rosy feeling of the new job wears off and you start seeing the underbelly of the company and realizing that they are not entirely honest. Or that they're goal really is money and the services they offer don't appeal to you, since you yourself would never pay for something like that. It's hard to sell something you don't believe in.
I don't know that I believe in any of it. I've been trying to find a company to hitch my wagon to, one that is honest and trustworthy and does something for the good of humanity rather than taking people for a ride.

But I haven't found one. Am I not looking wide enough, or do they not exist?

Maybe my future lies in non profit. Or maybe I really haven't figured it out yet. I haven't, I know that. But I keep waiting for my 'Aha' moment and it hasn't come yet.

At what point do I stop waiting, or give up, or stick with the boring job that makes me feel held back and constricted? When is it the time to say, I think I should try dreaming again?
You should never stop dreaming.

I wish I wish I had things more figured out. Some days I feel like I'm full of questions with no answers. And I feel this pressure, some internal and some from the world around me, to figure it out now! Now, because later with be too late. Now, because who am I otherwise. Who am I if not my job, my career. What is my identity. You meet someone new and one of the first things they ask you is 'what do you do'.

I know I'm not my job. That's just a part of it. But just for once I'd like to have an answer ready that makes me feel proud to say it, and doesn't cause their eyes to glaze over.

Can you live your life without the answers? Or rather, how long can you keep going without knowing where you're going? Feeling in the dark along the walls, bumping into objects as you go, hoping and praying you'll land in the right place, but always, always bring unsure.

This is the life that plagues me.

One thing I do know, today is Rosh Chodesh and it's a good time to pray.

And Iyar is my birthday month :-) and birthdays are always good.

Thanks for listening.