Lay me down in the sun
And heal me
Tell me everything will be okay
Take away my pain
My tears
The clenching feeling in my gut
Take it away please
I don't want it
It doesn't make me stronger
It makes me hurt more
And I don't think I can handle
Any more pain
Don't tell me why this is for the best
Just make it stop
Make it stop
Make it stop
Please.
Wednesday, April 26, 2017
The world has changed
Oh the world has changed. I have changed. When I come across old blog posts I wrote years ago, it's like meeting an old friend. There you are, "old sport". Oh how I've missed you. I long for simpler times... But we forget, don't we, that those times were anything but simple.
We forget who we are and where we came from, and that compels us to want to go back there, to BE our old selves in our old lives.
But short of time travel, we can never go back. And truly, would you want to?
A couple of years ago when I finished school and was planning to move out of New York, I was hit by a wave of such anxiety and fear I called my mother and cried on the phone, I couldn't catch my breath. She was out with my father at a restaurant and she was worried about me. And I just cried, I was scared, I was lonely, I had no idea what came next for me and that scared the hell out of me.
She told me to calm down and go do something or be with someone. I ended up taking a walk with a friend I seldom hung out with, and we kind of shot the breeze and talked about life in general. I felt better just being out with someone even though I couldn't really talk about what was bothering me.
I'd like to think I've changed since then. I still have moments of anxiety, fear and loneliness. But this time, I remind myself that I'm ok, that I have friends who care about me. And I call these friends, or text them, or make plans to go to them for Shabbos. I surround myself with the people that make me feel loved, and distance myself from the ones who hurt me.
I go to the gym and feel powerful. Or I go to the library and sit quietly reading the Reader's Digest and laugh, and cry a little because their stories always make me cry. Or I watch a funny TV show or a movie. I do something to try and take my mind off of what's worrying me or bothering me.
It doesn't always work. Sometimes I run so fast and hard away from the hard things in life, the questions I'm too afraid to ask myself, as if by running I can outrun them, outsmart them, as if they'll never find me here.
But they always do. And the more I run, the harder they get. They'll never go away. And they aren't supposed to. It's difficult to take a hard look at your life and see, like a graph, the path you imagined yourself is now outside the lines, it's gone off course. And that is not to say that you had your life and future mapped out by the age of 18, certainly you did not. It was as murky then as it is now at times. But then, you had an idea or a vision or were influenced by your family, school, mentors to take the path that you set out for, and then it didn't turn out that way. You came to crossroads after crossroads and eventually ended up in very unfamiliar territory.
How to deal with this? How to reconcile the You you imagined you would be with the You that you are now? Is it OK, how you turned out? Do you feel guilty for the choices you made, if they are not exactly by the books?
The problem with guilt is, it doesn't stop us from doing the things we feel are wrong, only it makes us feel bad about doing them. And unhealthy guilt is just that- unhealthy.
So let it go. Ah, letting go. The title of the popular song which I hate.
How can you let it go? Are you a bad person for living the life you once thought was wrong? For neglecting the things that were most important? You hear your conscience or the voice of your teacher, mentor or mother telling you what's right, and you know what's right but it's not right for you, not right now.
Maybe one day. Maybe never. Maybe this is who you are now and you have to learn to accept yourself, flaws and all.
It's hard. It's hard to feel like you've given up on yourself. And I do feel that way sometimes. I once had a dream to be a writer. And not only have I pretty much stopped writing, I've stopped trying. Stopped believing that I could. That I could publish a book someday. Or work for a magazine, or help other people with my talent and skill. I can recognize that I have talent and skill but I feel like it's been hiding for too long now.
And every time I think about my "life's calling" or what I want to do long term for a career, although I hate the word career because it denotes money and that's not my goal, I always used to think that writing would somehow factor in.
And yet, I've been going from job to job and not sticking around long for various reasons. I've found a place that seems to want me around but I'm most happier when I think of handing in my resignation. What is it about jobs that make me feel that way? Is it the moment I find their flaws? When the rosy feeling of the new job wears off and you start seeing the underbelly of the company and realizing that they are not entirely honest. Or that they're goal really is money and the services they offer don't appeal to you, since you yourself would never pay for something like that. It's hard to sell something you don't believe in.
I don't know that I believe in any of it. I've been trying to find a company to hitch my wagon to, one that is honest and trustworthy and does something for the good of humanity rather than taking people for a ride.
But I haven't found one. Am I not looking wide enough, or do they not exist?
Maybe my future lies in non profit. Or maybe I really haven't figured it out yet. I haven't, I know that. But I keep waiting for my 'Aha' moment and it hasn't come yet.
At what point do I stop waiting, or give up, or stick with the boring job that makes me feel held back and constricted? When is it the time to say, I think I should try dreaming again?
You should never stop dreaming.
I wish I wish I had things more figured out. Some days I feel like I'm full of questions with no answers. And I feel this pressure, some internal and some from the world around me, to figure it out now! Now, because later with be too late. Now, because who am I otherwise. Who am I if not my job, my career. What is my identity. You meet someone new and one of the first things they ask you is 'what do you do'.
I know I'm not my job. That's just a part of it. But just for once I'd like to have an answer ready that makes me feel proud to say it, and doesn't cause their eyes to glaze over.
Can you live your life without the answers? Or rather, how long can you keep going without knowing where you're going? Feeling in the dark along the walls, bumping into objects as you go, hoping and praying you'll land in the right place, but always, always bring unsure.
This is the life that plagues me.
One thing I do know, today is Rosh Chodesh and it's a good time to pray.
And Iyar is my birthday month :-) and birthdays are always good.
Thanks for listening.
We forget who we are and where we came from, and that compels us to want to go back there, to BE our old selves in our old lives.
But short of time travel, we can never go back. And truly, would you want to?
A couple of years ago when I finished school and was planning to move out of New York, I was hit by a wave of such anxiety and fear I called my mother and cried on the phone, I couldn't catch my breath. She was out with my father at a restaurant and she was worried about me. And I just cried, I was scared, I was lonely, I had no idea what came next for me and that scared the hell out of me.
She told me to calm down and go do something or be with someone. I ended up taking a walk with a friend I seldom hung out with, and we kind of shot the breeze and talked about life in general. I felt better just being out with someone even though I couldn't really talk about what was bothering me.
I'd like to think I've changed since then. I still have moments of anxiety, fear and loneliness. But this time, I remind myself that I'm ok, that I have friends who care about me. And I call these friends, or text them, or make plans to go to them for Shabbos. I surround myself with the people that make me feel loved, and distance myself from the ones who hurt me.
I go to the gym and feel powerful. Or I go to the library and sit quietly reading the Reader's Digest and laugh, and cry a little because their stories always make me cry. Or I watch a funny TV show or a movie. I do something to try and take my mind off of what's worrying me or bothering me.
It doesn't always work. Sometimes I run so fast and hard away from the hard things in life, the questions I'm too afraid to ask myself, as if by running I can outrun them, outsmart them, as if they'll never find me here.
But they always do. And the more I run, the harder they get. They'll never go away. And they aren't supposed to. It's difficult to take a hard look at your life and see, like a graph, the path you imagined yourself is now outside the lines, it's gone off course. And that is not to say that you had your life and future mapped out by the age of 18, certainly you did not. It was as murky then as it is now at times. But then, you had an idea or a vision or were influenced by your family, school, mentors to take the path that you set out for, and then it didn't turn out that way. You came to crossroads after crossroads and eventually ended up in very unfamiliar territory.
How to deal with this? How to reconcile the You you imagined you would be with the You that you are now? Is it OK, how you turned out? Do you feel guilty for the choices you made, if they are not exactly by the books?
The problem with guilt is, it doesn't stop us from doing the things we feel are wrong, only it makes us feel bad about doing them. And unhealthy guilt is just that- unhealthy.
So let it go. Ah, letting go. The title of the popular song which I hate.
How can you let it go? Are you a bad person for living the life you once thought was wrong? For neglecting the things that were most important? You hear your conscience or the voice of your teacher, mentor or mother telling you what's right, and you know what's right but it's not right for you, not right now.
Maybe one day. Maybe never. Maybe this is who you are now and you have to learn to accept yourself, flaws and all.
It's hard. It's hard to feel like you've given up on yourself. And I do feel that way sometimes. I once had a dream to be a writer. And not only have I pretty much stopped writing, I've stopped trying. Stopped believing that I could. That I could publish a book someday. Or work for a magazine, or help other people with my talent and skill. I can recognize that I have talent and skill but I feel like it's been hiding for too long now.
And every time I think about my "life's calling" or what I want to do long term for a career, although I hate the word career because it denotes money and that's not my goal, I always used to think that writing would somehow factor in.
And yet, I've been going from job to job and not sticking around long for various reasons. I've found a place that seems to want me around but I'm most happier when I think of handing in my resignation. What is it about jobs that make me feel that way? Is it the moment I find their flaws? When the rosy feeling of the new job wears off and you start seeing the underbelly of the company and realizing that they are not entirely honest. Or that they're goal really is money and the services they offer don't appeal to you, since you yourself would never pay for something like that. It's hard to sell something you don't believe in.
I don't know that I believe in any of it. I've been trying to find a company to hitch my wagon to, one that is honest and trustworthy and does something for the good of humanity rather than taking people for a ride.
But I haven't found one. Am I not looking wide enough, or do they not exist?
Maybe my future lies in non profit. Or maybe I really haven't figured it out yet. I haven't, I know that. But I keep waiting for my 'Aha' moment and it hasn't come yet.
At what point do I stop waiting, or give up, or stick with the boring job that makes me feel held back and constricted? When is it the time to say, I think I should try dreaming again?
You should never stop dreaming.
I wish I wish I had things more figured out. Some days I feel like I'm full of questions with no answers. And I feel this pressure, some internal and some from the world around me, to figure it out now! Now, because later with be too late. Now, because who am I otherwise. Who am I if not my job, my career. What is my identity. You meet someone new and one of the first things they ask you is 'what do you do'.
I know I'm not my job. That's just a part of it. But just for once I'd like to have an answer ready that makes me feel proud to say it, and doesn't cause their eyes to glaze over.
Can you live your life without the answers? Or rather, how long can you keep going without knowing where you're going? Feeling in the dark along the walls, bumping into objects as you go, hoping and praying you'll land in the right place, but always, always bring unsure.
This is the life that plagues me.
One thing I do know, today is Rosh Chodesh and it's a good time to pray.
And Iyar is my birthday month :-) and birthdays are always good.
Thanks for listening.
Tuesday, April 25, 2017
No means no
I ask her if I can kiss her and she offers me her shoulder
So I kiss her there.
She doesn't like when I kiss her on her cheek,
Presenting her sleeve as an alternative.
I once asked her why
She said she doesn't like how wet it feels.
Maybe it's a sensory thing
Or maybe it's just a CM thing
But it's something that's important to her
And I respect that.
She asks me "do you love me?"
Lying next to me one cuddly afternoon
And I tell her of course I love her,
I love all of you.
She goes through each sibling separately
And to each I profess my love.
She's asks do I love her mommy
I say yes she's my sister
She asks do I love her Tatty
I pause awkwardly
Reiterate that I love her and her mommy
She asks again do I love her Tatty
Again, I deflect the question.
There was a moment I was overcome with love
And I pulled her towards me and kissed her cheek
She said "you KNOW I don't like that".
She's right. I did know.
I just violated something sacred.
If a child says no
If anyone says no
Respect that.
They know their bodies.
She loves when I hold her
She dislikes when I kiss her cheek
And that's okay.
It's hard, because that's how I want to express my love.
But I find other ways.
So when she does something cute
I ask her
Can I kiss your sleeve
And she holds out her arm
And then she kisses me too
On my shoulder.
So I kiss her there.
She doesn't like when I kiss her on her cheek,
Presenting her sleeve as an alternative.
I once asked her why
She said she doesn't like how wet it feels.
Maybe it's a sensory thing
Or maybe it's just a CM thing
But it's something that's important to her
And I respect that.
She asks me "do you love me?"
Lying next to me one cuddly afternoon
And I tell her of course I love her,
I love all of you.
She goes through each sibling separately
And to each I profess my love.
She's asks do I love her mommy
I say yes she's my sister
She asks do I love her Tatty
I pause awkwardly
Reiterate that I love her and her mommy
She asks again do I love her Tatty
Again, I deflect the question.
There was a moment I was overcome with love
And I pulled her towards me and kissed her cheek
She said "you KNOW I don't like that".
She's right. I did know.
I just violated something sacred.
If a child says no
If anyone says no
Respect that.
They know their bodies.
She loves when I hold her
She dislikes when I kiss her cheek
And that's okay.
It's hard, because that's how I want to express my love.
But I find other ways.
So when she does something cute
I ask her
Can I kiss your sleeve
And she holds out her arm
And then she kisses me too
On my shoulder.
Sunday, April 23, 2017
Unsettled
I have a sunburn on my nose, and on one arm. Just one. I guess the sun hit me on just that one side. Maybe I should try evening it out.
I sat in the movie theater and let the sound drown out the noises in my head. Where do you go to get away?
I considered curling up and going to sleep, the chairs are pretty comfortable. Just get lost in the noise and voices. Let me be...
The spring comes, I know summer's on its way and I just want to get away. Every once in awhile this feeling takes over me, and I just need to escape. I'm battling it, but not sure how to get over it. How to calm the feelings, settle down. How to just be content with what I'm doing now. But what if you are never quite content?
What if you just never find that something, that thing that fulfills you, fills you with purpose, light, substance.
What if your whole life is a serious of anxiously thinking of getting away, and constant battles with self to stay put, stay in line.
And I have a song on loop, too unsettled to sleep.
I sat in the movie theater and let the sound drown out the noises in my head. Where do you go to get away?
I considered curling up and going to sleep, the chairs are pretty comfortable. Just get lost in the noise and voices. Let me be...
The spring comes, I know summer's on its way and I just want to get away. Every once in awhile this feeling takes over me, and I just need to escape. I'm battling it, but not sure how to get over it. How to calm the feelings, settle down. How to just be content with what I'm doing now. But what if you are never quite content?
What if you just never find that something, that thing that fulfills you, fills you with purpose, light, substance.
What if your whole life is a serious of anxiously thinking of getting away, and constant battles with self to stay put, stay in line.
And I have a song on loop, too unsettled to sleep.
Thursday, April 20, 2017
What are you grateful for?
This guy is really funny.
I listened to this 3 times today.
I've been having a hard time at work, and have been considering leaving. I'll have been here a year come June. I realize I don't have the greatest track record with jobs, for various reasons.
I went to speak to my boss today, not specifically to mention leaving, but in general to touch base regarding my position and my future in the company.
My boss said, NYC mayor Ed Koch used to say, if you like 6/10 things then stick with it. He may have been referring to politicians, but my boss told me, if you like 6/10 things about your job, more than half, then stick with it. Is the grass really greener on the other side?
Good advice. I'm considering sticking around for awhile, or at least until I feel strangled and have to leave.
So I decided to listen to Ted talks at work and see if it helps me think better, broaden my mind, work more productively.
I happened upon this gem of a talk, this guy is funny and I enjoyed listening to it.
What I took away from it is, write down 3 things you are grateful for, every day for 21 days in a row. Journal at least once a day about something positive that happened to you in the past 24 hours.
Thinking about things you are grateful for makes you think more positively, see the world more positively.
I want to try it. I don't usually feel grateful. I take things for granted, like most.
Today, what am I grateful for?
My car, which gives me freedom.
My income, which allows me to spend money at Sephora.
My sister, who gave me a place to live.
"The absence of disease is not health."
"If I work harder, I'll be more successful. And if I'm more successful, then I'll be happier."
Work the other way around, by seeking out the positivity, and all else follows.
What are you grateful for today?
Wednesday, April 19, 2017
Cut
You cut people down
To build them back up
You don't build
You just cut them
You cut them
You cut them
You cut the pieces of yourself that scare you
The ones you hate
Can't stand to see in the mirror let alone in someone else.
You cut away your fears
You lash out to mend your wounds
But the tears slide right into the gash
Burning.
You can't say "I like you" so you say "you're alright" or "I guess you'll do".
You make people feel less
So you could feel more
Or rather
So you could care less
Detached
You stand
Alone.
You cut others down
Think you'll build them back up
But once taken apart
You can't figure out just how
To put them back together again.
Stop cutting.
To build them back up
You don't build
You just cut them
You cut them
You cut them
You cut the pieces of yourself that scare you
The ones you hate
Can't stand to see in the mirror let alone in someone else.
You cut away your fears
You lash out to mend your wounds
But the tears slide right into the gash
Burning.
You can't say "I like you" so you say "you're alright" or "I guess you'll do".
You make people feel less
So you could feel more
Or rather
So you could care less
Detached
You stand
Alone.
You cut others down
Think you'll build them back up
But once taken apart
You can't figure out just how
To put them back together again.
Stop cutting.
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