Men + Women = Friendship?

There are differences when it comes to friendships amongst men and friendships amongst women. We are talking primarily about same gender friendships, as opposed to cross gender.

It may appear that men have more friends than do women, as men tend to have larger social networks or groups, whereas women spend more time in dyads, or pairs, and form closer one-on-one connections.

The reasons for friendship amongst men and women are also different. Men tend to have more activity-based friendships, while women spend more time in conversation with friends. Men assert more dominance and knowledge display in conversation, and women focus on conversation maintenance- establishing and maintaining relationships.

Women are more agreeable in their language, using disclaimers like "I may be wrong, but..." or hedges, "sort of", "kind of", and intensifiers "very", "really", "seriously". This may reflect on their level of confidence in their own opinions or knowledge base, or it may show a desire to be compliant with the person they are talking to, to avoid conflict.

Men generally avoid personal disclosure. They see it as a weakness to open up to friends and share personal thoughts or feelings. Women engage more in self-disclosure, tending to share their feelings and emotions with close friends.

Although there are difference between friendships among men and women, there are more similarities. Ultimately, the reasons for friendship between men and women, either same gender or cross gender, are the same. From The Psychology of Gender by Vicki Helgeson, "Both men and women want the same things from friendship and view self-disclosure, empathy, trust, and expressions of support as the most important features of a friendship."

30 before 30

I read an article today that I liked. Here's the link, and I'm posting it in below. I have taken the liberty of bolding the ones I can check off:

"30 Things All Women Should Have in Their Arsenal Before 30"

Turning 30 is a big milestone because you finally feel like a real adult instead of playing one in your early 20s. Here are some things you probably have accomplished in your 20s:

1. Eyeliner and mascara that doesn't smudge. 
2. A bad relationship that will make you treasure the good ones. (Too many to count.)
3. The experience of negotiating a raise or asking for a promotion. Because you deserve it.
4. A love for yourself — flaws and all.
5. A good mattress. (One day...)
6. Enough self-respect to not put up with an unhealthy relationship and friendship. (Ya, after it gets so bad I can't take it anymore.)
7. A home that looks lived in and not like a rental. Which includes a piece of furniture you splurged on that's not from Ikea and an original piece of art you love. (I'm waiting for the perfect home to decorate.)
8. One international trip experience that took you to another continent.
9. Wild stories of past shenanigans that you love reminiscing over with your friends. And zero urge to relive it all.
10. A résumé and LinkedIn profile that you had to struggle to shrink.
11. Six months of living expenses in your emergency fund and a robust 401(k). (savings: Check.)
12. A friend that makes you laugh, lends an understanding ear when you need a shoulder to cry on, and tells you things you need (and not want) to hear.
13. Forgiveness and letting go of past hurts and grudges. Life's too short for that. (Letting go sucks...)
14. And the realization that forgiving doesn't mean accepting that it was OK. Forgiving means accepting the fact it happened. (This I can do.)
15. Go-to recipes for key occasions, from a fancy dinner party to leftovers night.
16. A backup system for your important documents and photos. (Check. Learned that the hard way.)
17. Something you can take care of, be it a plant or a pet (or maybe even a baby!). (I've killed plants before...not sure what that says about my chances with kids).
18. The ability to enjoy things alone, whether it be a trip, a dinner out, or a show.
19. A coffee machine so you stop wasting your money at Starbucks.
20. A good skin care routine, which includes applying sunscreen.
21. The confidence to go without makeup, wear a bikini, and have an opinion. (Um, ya, never gonna happen.)
22. A sewing kit and a set of tools that you've actually used.
23. A reliable dry cleaner and a tailor.
24. A chic outfit that you can transition from work to play — not to mention, a high-quality bag or purse to bring to work every day.
25. A safe place for you to relieve your stress and recharge — be it your reading nook or yoga studio.
26. The resolve and discipline to kick at least one bad habit. Bye-bye, soda and Cheetos.
27. The satisfaction with what you have and not worrying about if you're missing out on something better and newer.
28. An exercise routine beyond cleaning your home or commuting to work. (Gym...check.)
29. A credit card that you pay off in full every month. (Ding ding ding!)
30. The realization that life just gets better.(Well that's a relief.)

 

Going Home

My biggest accomplishment today was taking a shower (after the fast ended) and switching from the pajamas I was wearing all day to clean pajamas. And still I am proud of myself. Not for today, but for the big steps that are coming.

This week is the last week in my apartment. I don't want to get sentimental, but four years is a long time. As I progressed in the work force and my jobs changed from menial to management, I became more and more confident in myself and my abilities. I went back to school after a 2 year hiatus, and managed to finish school in 3 years while working full time. I dated. I met guys. (Two separate things.) I fell in and out of relationships, I got hurt, I grew up.

I'm 25, graduating from college, no job, and I'm moving back home with my parents. Well, not really. I see it more as a stop along the way. I will tell you this: I don't see it as a failure. Between going away for high school and seminary, being a dorm counselor for a year and then living on my own for 4 years, I really haven't lived at home in a long time. To say that my relationship with my family when I was younger was tumultuous would be an understatement. Things have finally ironed themselves out, and for the first time I am looking forward to going home as opposed to dreading it.

I've mentioned before about how hard it is being a single girl living in a 'single girl's apartment' and having to be responsible for everything from finding Shabbos meals, to making havdala to creating an atmosphere that is conducive to yidishkeit. There is something about living in a household, where dinner is made for you, Shabbos tables get set, things just happen around you and you don't have to make much of an effort to be a part of it. I'm not talking about being lazy, I'm talking about the comfort of being surrounded and enveloped by family and family life. That is what I am looking forward to.

First up is a 2 week road trip from NY to Florida with my mom, sister-in-law and niece. We will have a loose itinerary, traveling through Philadelphia, DC, Virginia, North Carolina, South Carolina, Georgia taking the scenic route over 2-3 days, and then traipsing through Florida for a week before flying home. Then my grandparents are hitting the East Coast for a visit. After that I'll be home for 2 weeks until Rosh Hashana, and I have plans to go out of town. So basically, I will be occupied until after the holidays.

I spoke with my mom about joining a gym with her, maybe hanging out with my sister and helping with her kids. I think I will take it easy and use the down time to figure out what I want to do next. Maybe it'll come to me while I'm not looking for it.

Although I have some job offers waiting for me, I don't have any solid plans to move back to New York. And that's okay. I know that my future will find me wherever I am. I hope I will be ready.

A frum guy walks into a gym...

Sounds like the start of a bad joke.

I decided to start going to the gym, now that I have all this free time, it's right on campus and so am I, and I pay for it in student fees anyway.

There is something so convenient about having a gym in the same building as my classes. It is cool, quiet and pretty empty.

I'm a gym virgin. I used to hate gyms, calling them evil places of torture. I did exercised, just on my own time and with my own routine. But there is something so easy about using a machine and just letting it think for you.

I wear a skirt on top of my leggings, and usually a long sleeved t-short. I feel comfortable being in a mixed gym, it doesn't bother me. But today, while working out a frum guy with a kippa came in. Something in me suddenly got self-conscious, like oh, this is weird. Being around other guys in the gym didn't bother me, but maybe with our mutual faith it hit closer to home.

Separate story:

In Chabad we are known for 'Shliach Mitzvah gelt' which is basically, give someone money when they are leaving on a trip, tell them to be your messenger and put it into tzedaka when they get to their destination, and that will ensure that they will have a safe trip because it says that no harm will come to the messenger.

I was doing laundry today (yes, during the 9 days) and I use a suitcase to ferry my laundry to and from the laundromat. As I was coming home with my suitcase of freshly laundered clothing, a nice young Lubavitch guy passed me by, holding out a coin in his hand and said 'Here, Shliach mitzvah money'. I was startled, so I took it and said 'Oh wow, thank you.' He said 'Have a safe trip' and walked off.

Part of me thought maybe I should tell him I was only going home from the laundromat, but then I remembered that I am going to be taking a trip in a few weeks, and it was comforting knowing that I was being sent on my 'journey' as a shaliach, that I was going not only for myself, but as a messenger. Who knows where I will go or what I will discover, but it is better to go as a messenger and not just for myself.

I hope I do have a safe trip, and I'm wondering if punching a hole in that coin and turning it into a necklace is taking the analogy a little too far.

Books For Sale!

I decided to start packing up my room tonight. I don't think I have a lot of stuff but I have lived here 4 years so I should get a head start. I am officially moving out in 2 weeks.

I realized I had a lot of books. Some are from school, some are 'self help' books, and some are novels I bought for pleasure. I do hang on to stuff, which I'm trying to work on. But books are a good thing to have around because if I haven't read them yet, I may get to them later. (Who am I kidding, I'll probably never get to them, but my choice of books will make me look smart.)

I've been getting advice from different people lately about what to do next in my life, and I still haven't decided. Some people think that just getting away will help 'clear my head' and I will come back refreshed and ready to jump back into life.

That's not the way I see it. I'm not getting away for a vacation. I will not have a job, apartment or life waiting for me when I get back. I have barely any responsibilities right now. Most of this is my choice. I don't know that I am necessarily making good choices for myself, but all I know is that I need to leave, to close the door on this chapter of my life and figure out what the next one will be.

For the past few years I've just been waiting for my future to come to me, and I'm so sick of waiting. So I'm taking charge.

If I lived in Park Slope I might put some books on the sidewalk with a 'free' sign. As it is, the only books I'm giving away are part 2 and 3 of the Hunger Games series. I bought them when they were really popular and I just had to read them.

If you are reading this and you are worried about me, don't be.

If you are reading this and you think you can offer advice: it is welcome.

However, this is my life, my choices and only I can make it or break it.

I Remember

I remember,
you know.
I remember
that it's okay to ask for help,
it's okay to admit that you are scared
and feel alone
that you have no idea what you are doing in life,
and that scares you like sh**.

I remember,
you know.
I remember
that I have friends to turn to
that understand
that may even be going through the same thing,
that can make be feel better
and less alone.

I remember
what it's like
to feel okay,
when the bubble of anxiety bursts,
I can breath again,
laugh again,
remember that things do always have a way 
of working themselves out.

I remember now.

What the F

The cold, smooth feel of the beer
as is slithers down your throat
yet a minute later
slams into your taste buds
bitter, making you gag.

You remember that
you hate beer
and you wonder what the f***
you are doing here
at midnight.

You watch them
talking and laughing
is that flirting?
Not even sure,
you watch her

loosely standing close to the guy
beer in her hand
you swear it hasn't gone down
an inch,
maybe she hates it just as much as you do.

The lights are bright
and twinkly,
and no you're not drunk
yet,
but you wish you were.

A guy offers to buy you
another drink.
he asks if you want to
get out of here,
but you can't.

you won't go.
you butt into a conversation
two guys are having nearby
thinking you have something smart to say,
but they're just not feeling it.

And you wonder
what the f***
you are doing here
this time of night,
he asks you what you are looking for

and honestly,
you just don't know.

Fish Bowl

It all looks too familiar,
all the same
everything as it should be
but never changing,
like The Truman Show,
living a lie
your whole life,
wash, rinse, repeat,
always repeat
day in, day out
until you feel
the walls closing in
suffocating
wave your arms
until they touch glass
you can't get out
and the more you try
the more you tug at your constraints
the tighter they get
like the Chinese finger trap
it's a trick, really
but there is no humor
only atmospheric pressure
that can't be relieved
without breaking the glass,
but you just can't seem
to break free.

Disposable Friendships

People, like water, are fluid
they come and go
you cup your hands
and try to hold
the flow
between your palms
but it seeps out
and drips down
in a trickle,
emptying out until not a drop is left
leaving your hands damp
and empty.
The water bleeds from your
hands like blood,
the cool air drying them
stiff
until they crack
break the water lines
that once held a cool, wet stream.
People come and go
they are there laughing
and talking one day
and the next they are gone,
dried up, distant
pulling away until they leave no trace behind.

~~~

Keep your pack on your back

and be ready to leave at a moment's notice.

You see expressions change

from minute to minute

so small you might miss it

but it is there,

you feel it

you sense it

pulling away

drifting away

there,

and then

gone

and you know

it's time to go,

you've done this before

you know the drill

all safety hatches in place.

Three, two, one,

it's time

go go go!

you do what you have to do

leaving no trace behind

that you were ever even there.

He's gone,

and so are you.

Maybe you are turning it the wrong way

I felt like that lady in Eat. Pray. Love who found herself on her bathroom floor in middle of the night, talking to herself.

Yes, it was indeed the middle of the night. about 1:30 am. I haven't been sleeping through the night lately, sometimes it will be a strange dream that wakes me and then I can't fall back asleep.

I stumbled to the bathroom without my glasses, but could clearly see that the toilet seat was askew. I'm the 'handy' one in the apartment, and changed the toilet seat myself previously when it needed changing, so I knew how it worked.

I tried tightening the screws but it wasn't connected properly so that didn't help.

Frustrated, unable to see properly, tired and not in the mood, I sat down on the floor to figure it out.

I unscrewed the bolt, got the seat back into place and then tried to screw the bolt back into place.

I turned and turned it and nothing happened, it wasn't tightening at all. I tried turning it upside down but that didn't work. I just kept turning it, using the maxim 'Righty tighty, lefty loosy'.

Then it hit me, maybe I'm turning it the wrong way. So I turned it to the left and finally it started tightening.

By this time I was wide awake and no way was I falling back asleep. So I used the time to think, to figure things out. I've been having doubts lately about a lot of things. The problem is, as a 25 year old single girl in a frum society, you are not supposed to have doubts or questions. You are simply supposed to follow the rules, accept that which you do not understand, stay on the course, and do what you are supposed to do.

But I have never quite fit into the mold, and I'm not happy trying to push myself back into it, or follow the rules simply because I am told. For the first time I asked myself: What do you really want? And I didn't know the answer.

I remember a book I had bought, called The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People. I bought it hoping it could help me in life, but alas it cannot help you if you do not bother to read it and instead stuff it onto a shelf in your closet.

So I sat there at 2 am and started reading it, and a lot of it made sense.

We all have inner paradigms, maps with which we use to see the world. Just as if you have the wrong map in a particular city there it will be difficult to get to where you are going, so to if you have the wrong view of the world you won't see things the way you should.

The first habit talks about being 'Proactive'. There's a diagram of 2 circles, one is the Circle of Influence, and one is the Circle of Concern. Influence is what you have control over, and Concern is things you have no control over. If you choose to focus your energy in Circle of Concern, you will be pushing yourself inward, limiting your sense of control. If you choose to focus on your Circle of Influence, you push outward, broadening your world into the things you can control.

None of us can control the weather, understandably, but you can choose to be upset by a stormy day, or you can carry around your own sunshine thereby choosing to not let it affect you.

I'm only one chapter in, and I know I'm not big on follow through. We'll see how far I get. It was just refreshing to read something that actually makes sense, and to feel that maybe I can take control of my life instead of saying 'everyone else makes the rules and I don't want to follow them'.

By working on yourself from the inside-out, you can reach a true sense of independence and hopefully find inner peace.

Here's to bathroom floor revelations in middle of the night, and to new beginnings.