It's funny how things never seem to turn out how we expected, but always work out for the best.
Things came to an end at my job, and not by my doing. It's kind of like "who will show their hand sooner" because I was planning to give notice and be gone in a few weeks. That timeline was simply shortened by a nasty person whom I'm ashamed to call one of my (now ex) managers. There will of course be two versions to the story, and as things go I don't think they handled the situation properly.
I didn't expect to be crying in the parking lot with my (other) manager whom I call a friend. He's leaving in about a month and I knew we would be parting ways, but this was sooner than expected. He told me comfortingly that everything will work out, it is all up to G-d. I know he's right.
I've been telling people that I will be leaving in a month, going off the grid. They don't understand. Maybe I don't even understand.
"For how long?" They ask me. I have no answer.
The first step after finishing school is moving my stuff back home to my parents house. It was either that or public storage and I have no idea if or when I would come back for it.
Next is taking a road trip down to Florida. Then maybe hanging out there for awhile.
I don't know what's next. And though normally that would be majorly stressing me out, I'm calm. I'm okay.
I see things as a chain, after one link ended I always found my next. Things have always worked out for me thank G-d. And yes it's easier to realize that in hindsight. But right now I'm okay with taking things as they come and not knowing what comes next.
I'm finally free for the first time in awhile. It's a very calming feeling.
Monday, June 29, 2015
Friday, June 26, 2015
Baking
Ear buds in, music on loud, moving to the beat enjoying the sound of my own little world.
I'm happy here. I'm in control. I'm creating something beautiful.
Tonight it was black & whites, just cuz. Because I wanted to try something new, give myself a little challenge.
I have to say, it is a lot of work, more than they make it seem. I used this recipe courtesy of browneyedbaker.com. Making the dough is not that hard. Shaping it is fun, a little messy and a little gooey.
It is the icing part that got me. It is stressful. Really. First you have to make sure the icing is thin enough to spread but not too thin. You have to get the line just right, you have to try to not drip any chocolate icing into the pristine white icing bowl. Picking up each cookie, icing it and then trying to gently put it down without messing up the icing... oy.
Well, I'm exhausted. They look good, they taste good, but I am definitely going to buy one in the bakery next time I get a craving.
I'm happy here. I'm in control. I'm creating something beautiful.
Tonight it was black & whites, just cuz. Because I wanted to try something new, give myself a little challenge.
I have to say, it is a lot of work, more than they make it seem. I used this recipe courtesy of browneyedbaker.com. Making the dough is not that hard. Shaping it is fun, a little messy and a little gooey.
It is the icing part that got me. It is stressful. Really. First you have to make sure the icing is thin enough to spread but not too thin. You have to get the line just right, you have to try to not drip any chocolate icing into the pristine white icing bowl. Picking up each cookie, icing it and then trying to gently put it down without messing up the icing... oy.
Well, I'm exhausted. They look good, they taste good, but I am definitely going to buy one in the bakery next time I get a craving.
Monday, June 22, 2015
Depressed
Sometimes you just have to call it like it is.
My mother is really funny. When I'm excited about something, she gets excited. When I'm negative about something, she reflects that negativity. It's all about feedback.
Sometimes we are in a good mood, we see the world through rose tinted glasses and everything you see and do at that time is positive. You impart those feelings to other people and they reflect that.
Sometimes I second guess myself. It took me a long time to learn to trust my instincts, but I'm realizing that that niggling feeling I get when I'm trying to make a decision that sounds like it is trying to tell me something and which I usually tune out- it is usually on point.
Some people can remain impartial. It is always good to have objective people in your life. But some people will mirror the way you feel or the way you tell a story. If you have a job interview and you tell someone how exciting it is and how you really want the job, they will encourage you to take it. Tell that same person your inhibitions and reservations about said job, and they will tell you it is not for you. So is the job really for you? Do you need to get over your negative feelings or realize that your excitement may not stem from a place that is best for you?
I don't know. I hate making decisions, I really do wish things can work themselves out.
When your job hunt, apartment hunt and guy hunt are all going south, you think it's time for you to quit?
In other words, who can suggest a great vacation spot?
My mother is really funny. When I'm excited about something, she gets excited. When I'm negative about something, she reflects that negativity. It's all about feedback.
Sometimes we are in a good mood, we see the world through rose tinted glasses and everything you see and do at that time is positive. You impart those feelings to other people and they reflect that.
Sometimes I second guess myself. It took me a long time to learn to trust my instincts, but I'm realizing that that niggling feeling I get when I'm trying to make a decision that sounds like it is trying to tell me something and which I usually tune out- it is usually on point.
Some people can remain impartial. It is always good to have objective people in your life. But some people will mirror the way you feel or the way you tell a story. If you have a job interview and you tell someone how exciting it is and how you really want the job, they will encourage you to take it. Tell that same person your inhibitions and reservations about said job, and they will tell you it is not for you. So is the job really for you? Do you need to get over your negative feelings or realize that your excitement may not stem from a place that is best for you?
I don't know. I hate making decisions, I really do wish things can work themselves out.
When your job hunt, apartment hunt and guy hunt are all going south, you think it's time for you to quit?
In other words, who can suggest a great vacation spot?
Friday, June 19, 2015
Just Go
You broke my trust, you know.
It hurt.
But it hurt in places where it should not have mattered.
He got in between us,
he ruined what we had,
what was for months already eroding.
I made the mistake of believing him
when he said you and I
were not friends,
In fact could never be friends,
and I should not have told you something
expecting you to keep it to yourself.
I tried to ignore you,
I really did,
knowing that you were leaving
Maybe if I blocked you out
it would hurt less
but you were you
You joked and drew me in
and I laughed,
I coudn't help myself.
I told you to go away,
just go
and don't come back.
You didn't apologize.
You told me some cryptic message
of how you did it for my own good.
With time, you said
I would realize why you had betrayed my trust
But you wouldn't tell me why.
I told you the most hurtful thing
was that HE said we weren't friends
and in that case it shouldn't have mattered.
You called him a jerk,
said he was wrong,
said that you have my back.
I wanted to believe you,
still do,
I would trust you any day more than him.
But you're leaving, you know.
And I'll miss your dumb corny jokes,
your arrogance.
I'll miss your stupid face
He's wrong, you know.
About us.
When I'm mad at you and you try to tell me something
I say "I don't care"
and you say "Yes you do".
You're right,
of course.
I do.
It hurt.
But it hurt in places where it should not have mattered.
He got in between us,
he ruined what we had,
what was for months already eroding.
I made the mistake of believing him
when he said you and I
were not friends,
In fact could never be friends,
and I should not have told you something
expecting you to keep it to yourself.
I tried to ignore you,
I really did,
knowing that you were leaving
Maybe if I blocked you out
it would hurt less
but you were you
You joked and drew me in
and I laughed,
I coudn't help myself.
I told you to go away,
just go
and don't come back.
You didn't apologize.
You told me some cryptic message
of how you did it for my own good.
With time, you said
I would realize why you had betrayed my trust
But you wouldn't tell me why.
I told you the most hurtful thing
was that HE said we weren't friends
and in that case it shouldn't have mattered.
You called him a jerk,
said he was wrong,
said that you have my back.
I wanted to believe you,
still do,
I would trust you any day more than him.
But you're leaving, you know.
And I'll miss your dumb corny jokes,
your arrogance.
I'll miss your stupid face
He's wrong, you know.
About us.
When I'm mad at you and you try to tell me something
I say "I don't care"
and you say "Yes you do".
You're right,
of course.
I do.
Tuesday, June 16, 2015
All About S*x
It took me a long time before I stopped stumbling over the word 'sex'. Even now I still feel a pang, an uncomfortable feeling at this "forbidden" word. I'm taking a personal health and nutritional science course, and recently we learned all about sex and birth control. These are things I am aware of, and as mature adults it is normal to sit in a classroom with illustrative slides showing one how to put on a condom. But growing up as a religious girl, I do have a certain reservation when it comes to discussing sex, even in clinical terms, as if I have to try to be nonchalant about it.
Recently at work a new manager was hired to replace one who is leaving. He is ultra-orthodox, a Chassidisher guy with white shirt, black pants, curly payos, the whole nine yards. He is not someone I would ever look at twice on the street, and based on our backgrounds our paths would probably never cross besides for the fact that we work together. When I first met him, I had a misgiving that I would corrupt him, simply by being myself. I grew up in a closed-minded community, and in the process of trying to "find myself" I have attempted to break out of that mold, by rejecting some of the rules I grew up with. That meant looser with my language (cursing), and being more open and free with topics that were previously not discussed.
I overheard a coworker mention to some of the guys that he may have gotten his ex-girlfriend pregnant. I piped in and it turned into a full conversation between joking that he should go on the Maury Povich show, insist on a DNA test, and me saying lamely that he should never have gotten her pregnant. Thus followed a conversation about safe sex and the rate at which protection actually prevents pregnancy.
The new guy was listening avidly. Then he started asking questions about sex, protection, what actually works, etc. I started realizing that this may have gotten out of hand, especially when I saw other people passing by and overhearing the conversation. Talk about inappropriate work conversations.
There's a reason some kids like to 'educate' their more innocent friends. Usually one kid ends up blurting out all the details about sex and sharing it with all their friends before they should actually be discussing it. I'm not saying this guy was completely ignorant, however I feel bad encouraging the conversation, as if I had a hand in opening his mind to the world around him.
The question is not whether these things should be discussed. The answer to that would be yes, in the right setting, with a professional, for constructive purposes, once you are mature and old enough to have questions and want answers, and not just because you are showing off to your friends.
In this case, besides the fact that the setting was wholly inappropriate, I don't think this guy needed to get sex ed that way.
Just because I chose to expose myself to things which I was taught to stay away from, doesn't mean I should rip down his blinders, even if I disagree with being sheltered.
You have to be sensitive to other people's choices and upbringings, regardless of your personal feelings or attitudes on the issues.
Recently at work a new manager was hired to replace one who is leaving. He is ultra-orthodox, a Chassidisher guy with white shirt, black pants, curly payos, the whole nine yards. He is not someone I would ever look at twice on the street, and based on our backgrounds our paths would probably never cross besides for the fact that we work together. When I first met him, I had a misgiving that I would corrupt him, simply by being myself. I grew up in a closed-minded community, and in the process of trying to "find myself" I have attempted to break out of that mold, by rejecting some of the rules I grew up with. That meant looser with my language (cursing), and being more open and free with topics that were previously not discussed.
I overheard a coworker mention to some of the guys that he may have gotten his ex-girlfriend pregnant. I piped in and it turned into a full conversation between joking that he should go on the Maury Povich show, insist on a DNA test, and me saying lamely that he should never have gotten her pregnant. Thus followed a conversation about safe sex and the rate at which protection actually prevents pregnancy.
The new guy was listening avidly. Then he started asking questions about sex, protection, what actually works, etc. I started realizing that this may have gotten out of hand, especially when I saw other people passing by and overhearing the conversation. Talk about inappropriate work conversations.
There's a reason some kids like to 'educate' their more innocent friends. Usually one kid ends up blurting out all the details about sex and sharing it with all their friends before they should actually be discussing it. I'm not saying this guy was completely ignorant, however I feel bad encouraging the conversation, as if I had a hand in opening his mind to the world around him.
The question is not whether these things should be discussed. The answer to that would be yes, in the right setting, with a professional, for constructive purposes, once you are mature and old enough to have questions and want answers, and not just because you are showing off to your friends.
In this case, besides the fact that the setting was wholly inappropriate, I don't think this guy needed to get sex ed that way.
Just because I chose to expose myself to things which I was taught to stay away from, doesn't mean I should rip down his blinders, even if I disagree with being sheltered.
You have to be sensitive to other people's choices and upbringings, regardless of your personal feelings or attitudes on the issues.
Sunday, June 14, 2015
Free
I watch the fountain as the water rises
higher and higher
the squeals of the children in delight
as if guiding it
commanding it
controlling it
saying more! more, we want more!
Higher it goes still
ten feet in the air
splashing back down with a plop
and disappearing into the cracks
it is no longer visible
the water,
yet a second later
it shoots out again
the kids laugh,
they dance
they run near the spray
in the hopes of getting wet
I watch
and want to be the water
want to fly free,
but there is always something tethering me
to the ground
no matter how long I try
the fountain stops
for a moment
I hold my breath
wondering if it is done for the day
time for the kids to go home
but suddenly the water starts up again
the children scream
I feel a pang,
sad that I'm still here watching
that I'm not the water
that I'm not free.
higher and higher
the squeals of the children in delight
as if guiding it
commanding it
controlling it
saying more! more, we want more!
Higher it goes still
ten feet in the air
splashing back down with a plop
and disappearing into the cracks
it is no longer visible
the water,
yet a second later
it shoots out again
the kids laugh,
they dance
they run near the spray
in the hopes of getting wet
I watch
and want to be the water
want to fly free,
but there is always something tethering me
to the ground
no matter how long I try
the fountain stops
for a moment
I hold my breath
wondering if it is done for the day
time for the kids to go home
but suddenly the water starts up again
the children scream
I feel a pang,
sad that I'm still here watching
that I'm not the water
that I'm not free.
Tuesday, June 9, 2015
Therapy
Why pay for therapy when you can get it for free?
I sit in the chair at my hairstylist and before I know it she knows my whole life story and yet I have no idea what kind of cut she gave me. I find myself telling her all my woes about my job, school, life, etc. It's a great way to release. I'm sure they are sworn by oath to not revealed the secrets they hear in the chair.
The bakery is another beautiful place, filled with pleasant aromas, and scrumptious looking delicacies. This is where I come on a bad day, or a good day, or any day. The bakery guy smiles at me as I make my selection, I try not to look him in the eye, I wonder if he knows I've been stress eating lately. He recognizes me by face and I know it's time to find a new bakery.
While some people close up like a clam and share nothing with anyone, others can tell everything to their bus driver, bank teller, taxi driver, etc. Really, there are therapy outlets all around us if you just look for them.
No time to go for an appointment? Don't want to spend money on a copay? Just sit on a bench in the park and wait for the next person to sit down next to you. Then start talking.
Your session has begun.
I sit in the chair at my hairstylist and before I know it she knows my whole life story and yet I have no idea what kind of cut she gave me. I find myself telling her all my woes about my job, school, life, etc. It's a great way to release. I'm sure they are sworn by oath to not revealed the secrets they hear in the chair.
The bakery is another beautiful place, filled with pleasant aromas, and scrumptious looking delicacies. This is where I come on a bad day, or a good day, or any day. The bakery guy smiles at me as I make my selection, I try not to look him in the eye, I wonder if he knows I've been stress eating lately. He recognizes me by face and I know it's time to find a new bakery.
While some people close up like a clam and share nothing with anyone, others can tell everything to their bus driver, bank teller, taxi driver, etc. Really, there are therapy outlets all around us if you just look for them.
No time to go for an appointment? Don't want to spend money on a copay? Just sit on a bench in the park and wait for the next person to sit down next to you. Then start talking.
Your session has begun.
Sunday, June 7, 2015
Hiding
I can't make eye contact.
I try to appear normal but it's difficult.
I know she's talking to me and my brain is telling me to respond but I can't.
I smile, I hope not in a creepy way, and speak in my most normal voice possible.
My whole being is screaming danger! danger, get out,
and I wonder if this is what it feels like to have exposed nerves.
Why are you looking at me?
Why are there so many people in this store?
I keep my voice light when I speak to you,
everything very chilled and nonchalant
what's the point of worrying you
instead I pretend.
Pretend that everything is okay
I don't want to have to explain
you won't get it
and maybe I don't either.
Things are changing
I'm not sure how
I just know it's time
to go.
I can't make eye contact
I may appear to be shifty
I just can't let you see
inside my eyes.
Then you'll know.
I try to appear normal but it's difficult.
I know she's talking to me and my brain is telling me to respond but I can't.
I smile, I hope not in a creepy way, and speak in my most normal voice possible.
My whole being is screaming danger! danger, get out,
and I wonder if this is what it feels like to have exposed nerves.
Why are you looking at me?
Why are there so many people in this store?
I keep my voice light when I speak to you,
everything very chilled and nonchalant
what's the point of worrying you
instead I pretend.
Pretend that everything is okay
I don't want to have to explain
you won't get it
and maybe I don't either.
Things are changing
I'm not sure how
I just know it's time
to go.
I can't make eye contact
I may appear to be shifty
I just can't let you see
inside my eyes.
Then you'll know.
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