Hello old friend

Remember your angsty teenage self? Ever get a glimpse of her? Usually accompanied with embarrassment, "oh my gosh, I can't believe I ever did that/ spoke like that/ thought like that/ dressed like that!" Oh yes, dear reader, there was a time when even I was not perfect. I wrote in all lower case letters. I spelled words like 'wut', I was uberly sarcastic and self-deprecating, way more than I am now. I came face-to-face with her today, and I can't say that I liked it.

I tripped over it by accident. An idea I came up with 7 years ago for our school play. We didn't end up using it. The funny thing is, the idea itself mirrors my life pretty accurately. In Freudian theory, you could say that my unconscious mind was trying to express itself. Unless I was very conscious of it, I can't really remember, it was 7 years ago.

I cringe. But here it is:

Written by me, 7 years ago:

"title: "the juggler" / the juggling act

A girl moves to a new town with her family. new school, new friends. in her old school, the girls were chassidish, and she was too. but here, the girls are not so chassidish, in dress, behavior, etc. Out of the need to fit in, she decided she has to be like them, but thinks, it wont be for real, just an outward act. at heart ill still be a good chassidish girl. she still keeps in touch with old friends, so when shes with them shes an aidel chassidish girl, but when shes with her new friends, shes just like them. 

one time, while shes hanging out with one group, the two groups happen to meet. and when they both see the other group that shes hanging out with, they pressure her into deciding who she really is. but at this point, she herself doesnt even know. the whole 'act' she thought she was putting on, turned into reality, wut she ended up becoming. by now she doesnt know wut to do at all. but advice comes suddenly, in a form she would never have thought, through a teacher at school. the teacher was telling them about galus and geulah. "galus is like acting", she explains. "its not the real thing, just temporary, till we have moshiach, the ultimate goal. but unfortunately, some ppl forget theyre supposed to be acting, and end up internalizing it, till they become it. ex: when s/o cares more abt a fancy car, or being rich, then learning torah. they forget that torah is the real thing, and the car is just an 'act'. 

this is wut the teacher says. the girl takes it to heart, internalizes it, and uses it to get herself out of her situation. shesw trys to think of a solution. finally, comes up with an idea. purim is coming up, and the school is putting on a talen show. she decides for the show shes gonna do a juggling act, to try to explain to her friends wut she was going through. 

gets up on stage by her turn, starts juggling nicely, then suddenly messes up, purposely. drops the balls, etc. she takes the mike and asks to say a few words. both sets of friends are there, at her request. she starts with saying, whoever i am talking to, will know who they are. she explains how until now she was putting on an act, didnt really know who she was, or where she belongs. till now, she was juggling two personalities. but now, she says, i dont want to juggle anymore. ive finnally decided who i really am. and she walks off the stage, and goes to stand with the chassidish group of girls. she was scared that after this, her new group of friends would reject her, but she sees that on the contrary, they respect her for standing up to them, and showing them wuts really right, and in the end, they start following her example. The lesson is, galus is an 'act', geula/ moshiach is the real thing, and we shouldnt lose site of it, stop acting, or we'll forget who we are."

 I copied and pasted this exactly as it was, therefore all mistakes are not my own, rather old me. I did go through this struggle myself in high school, trying to figure out who I wanted to be, what group I fit in to, who I was trying to please.

I am pleased to be able to say that I am now passed all that. I have found a balance, and it no longer matters to me what my friends or people think. I am finally living my life as I want it to be.

As scary as it may be for me to bump into my past self, she is or was once a part of me. She is me. Just old me. I no longer think like that, talk like that, or act like that immature girl of yesteryear. But I would not be the me I am today if not for those struggles.

This play may never see the stage, but I think its purpose is complete.