Close my eyes and take a ride inside

There are words inside me trying to get out but there is something blocking them. Tonight is just not my night. And so many people try to tell me their opinions on this, or how to do this right or that right. I don't know what their point is but I know how it makes me feel. It makes me feel little, like they are stepping on me, putting me down, telling me that the way I have been doing things my whole life is all wrong. And who gave them the right to do that to me?

I am in a world where the truth is hidden and everyone is pushing their way through, trying to figure it out. Everyone interprets things differently, and it is up to me to find my own way, to sift through the rubble of right and wrong and find something to trust in.

That is what I lack. Who do I trust in a world like this? The homeless guy who tells me that if I give him a quarter I will get absolution? The lady who tells me that I should or should not wave my fingers at the flames? My mother who tells me that we peel our vegetables on pesach?

People ask me what my standards are, and I don't know what to tell them. Do I go by what my family does, or should I make up my own stuff? Do I go by what my family does cuz I thought about it and decided it was the right way to do things, or because it is easier than researching and figuring it out myself?

I don't know why I do what I do. I have many questions with no answers. I have so many doubts and uncertainties. The more I think I know, the less confident I feel about it.

I am outside walking alone. There is so much conversation going on in my head. It is late and it is quiet out. The questions and doubts just keep swirling, and my feet hit the pavement with a loud clacking sound that can probably wake the dead.

I want to be inside, somewhere warm, somewhere accepting, but somehow the darkness stretches on and on, and I am very far from home.