Back to life

My sleep fogged brain is trying to comprehend what is going on around me. It is strange trying to get back into things after being away a whole week. And the first thing I did when I got back- make dinner. Oh yes they definitely missed me over here.

I had an amazing week in Toronto. It was so good to see everyone I haven't seen in awhile, and of course I'm happy I made it to the wedding. I'm G-d willing looking forward to many more simchas in the near future.

I can't help glancing at the calendar to see how many days are left. But there are lots of fun stuff coming up so I'll be quite busy.

Now it's back to work and back to life. All my body wants right now is sleep, but tomorrow morning it will really hit me that I'm back.

School revisited

How do you put emotions into words?

I walked into my old classroom from 12th grade. The wave of emotions that hit me were unexpected. I didn't like high school when I was there, so I assumed the same feelings of resentment would surface when I revisited. But instead I missed it.

I saw myself three years ago sitting there with my friends, joking and laughing and arguing. This is where it all took place. I missed the feeling of being a part of something, the feeling of being protected and part of a little world where everything that happened was on a much smaller scale. The repercussions of our actions were not that great. We were sheltered from the reality of the "real" world. I can't help feeling like I'm on my own now and everything I do really matters.

I had a heart to heart talk with my old principal, the very same one who I couldn't stand, who shoed me back into class and threatened to send me home when I cut class. Suddenly, I saw her in a different light. She did all that because she cared about me, and still does. I respect her in a much different way now. I feel like a real person, I live in the real world now instead of the pseudo-make believe world we called high school.

It was weird not knowing most of the girls there. But it was okay. They were not around when I was in high school, and they will never share my memories. I mean nothing to them but that's okay too. One day they won't mean anything to the next generation.

School was such a big part of my life. It's hard knowing it's over and will never be again.

Torono, Chrono, Chronto, Canada-aye

The coffee tastes really good. It goes down sweet and warm. Tastes like cinnamon. I am not a coffee person but I can make an exception once in awhile.

What do you write when you have nothing much to say? I figured, anything as long as it will bump my last dismal post farther down.

It is hard and sad when someone passes away. We went to pay the girls a shiva call. I didn't say much. What is there to say to them? I'm sorry you lost your father? No one should ever know from such sorrow.

I'm in Toronto now. When I arrived it was with a mix of curiosity, like I wonder how much the city has changed since I was last here two years ago. And a sense of familiarity, like I recognize that street, that store, that name. But thank G-d there was no feeling of dread since I am no longer entrapped in high school here.

It is 'Family Day' today here in Canada. A time to spend with ones family bonding, I suppose. Interestingly enough, all the stores are closed.

My head is still a bit woozy from my ten-plus hour bus ride. And of course sleeping half the day. Now that it is nighttime, time to explore.

The coffee is cold now. Toodeloo.

A life that was taken

I can't reverse the decision,

can't change back the clock.

Can't take away the pain

cannot make it stop.

Abundance of sorrow

river of tears

hearts that break,

deepest fears.

Just one day

will be remembered forever

commemorated,

not celebrated.

A father, a husband, and grandfather

so many things

to so many people

suddenly taken away.

I freeze, can't move

a part of me knew it could happen.

But the reality is like

a punch to the stomach.

I call my father to tell him

I love him.

But it is not really

about me.

It is about those two girls

and their family

who lost their father

yesterday.

We don't understand

we feel it's not fair.

And still we say

Baruch Dayan HaEmes.

February 14

February 14 is a day like any other. It doesn't mean much to me, it is just another day on the calendar.

To some people, February 14 is called Valentine's day. It comes hand in hand with red hearts, chocolate, flowers, and other cutesy stuff. People buy each other gifts, perhaps jewelry, they give out cards to tell their loved ones how much they mean to them.

I always figured, why concentrate it all on one day? Show the love by spreading it out throughout the year, and making sure to say I love you every day, in different ways.

Nobody asked me to be their valentine, but that's okay. There is a lot more to life then red hearts and candy.

Happy February 14.

P.S. Chocolates would be nice.

My life in a nutshell

As I sit here typing a blogpost on my dying Itouch in the laundromat many things come to mind. But none of which I can share with you dear blogger. Oh no, those thoughts are for my (non-existant) diary alone. What I can tell you however is that this Shabbos I will be going to Monsey and I will get to see my beautiful niece once again.

(I am now typing on a real computer, my ipod died after the word 'can').

I vowed to never be one of those people who broadcast their life, and their woes in particular, to the whole world. Honestly, I would rather keep all my problems and sorrows bottled up inside then bother other people with my burdens. Unhealthy, some might say. But everyone has their ways of dealing with things.

On the other hand, I am not the type to pop back up in a year or two to say, "oh by the way I got married and have a child now." I am of the opinion that good news should be shared. (Meaning an engagement.)

I also vowed to never discuss shidduchim and dating like it was a an item on the menu. Whether people talk about shidduchim bitterly, or put a humorous spin on it, I am of the opinion that it shouldn't be discussed, period, besides for with parents and close friends.

So if I can't talk about dating here, and I can't tell you what I'm really feeling and thinking and what is really going on in my life, then what can I say?

Sometimes silence is best.

I will be sojourning soon to another country for the occasion of my friend's wedding. It is a country we call our neighbors, but I don't give it much credence. Tis called the land of the Canadians.

Toronto, here I come.

Use caution

Two snow days in a row can make anyone go crazy. The funny thing is, it is not snowing out. Yesterday it hailed, and today the roads are frozen over.

What I am afraid of most: an icicle falling on my head and injuring me. And slipping on the ice and injuring myself.

Either way, today it is safest to stay inside.