Oh Where

He wishes me good night and says, "I hope you get married soon."
Why, I think, why is he saying that,
he says "So you should be going home at 6 to a husband and a family,
not staying here at the office."
Yes, that would be nice I guess,
I say Amen as I always do,
thank him for his bracha.

He has good intentions
I'm sure,
but it's the message that is being sent,
that I cannot be a strong independent woman
who chose a career over family,
no, it must be that I am a sad helpless single damsel in distress,
that I must be saved from myself,
how sad my life must be that I'm still at work at 6 pm.

Cynical much?
But then again, it's hard not to be,
yes sometimes I work late,
yes sometime I wonder what it would be like
to go home to a husband
instead of a quiet lonely room,
but tonight is not that night.

Working late, then class, then homework,
midterms to study for,
at least I'm not making someone wait
anxiously for me at home,
no I am creating my own future,
taking control.

I go home close to midnight,
cold and tired and drained,
choice between the train or the bus,
neither option is great
this late at night.

Some guy stands at the bus stop alone,
he looks dark skinned, perhaps Arabic,
or Israeli, I must have missed his tzitzis,
 or neither, by the sound of his voice he's American like me,
maybe foreign parents in there somewhere.

We talk all the way home,
he walks me to my door
though it's a block out of his way,
I stand outside talking, prolonging,
not wanting to go in.

He asks if I want to keep in touch,
I'm flustered,
we just don't do that
but the second I shrug awkwardly
I think I've made a mistake,
he says goodnight and walks away
and all that's waiting inside
is my sad lonely empty room.

The second I get inside
I google him, search facebook,
try to figure out who he is,
we call it stalking.
I laugh at that strong independent woman
inside of me,
it didn't take much
for her to disappear.

Away

Sometimes you come home
and dream of
never going back
it's so stressful
sucking every ounce of
personal space and time,
it takes everything
and gives nothing,
it's just too hard
now, it's too hard.
You salivate when you think of
going far away, a different
country perhaps, and maybe
never coming back,
you don't want people to worry,
your mom thinks
it's a good idea
you explain your reasoning
your desire to explore
the world, see what's out there
get your wanderlust out of your system
before settling down.
It's the settling down part
that gets you,
you have no idea when or who or how,
you don't like the
lack of control,
you don't know
but this, this you can decide
you can plan
you can fly or drive or walk
away, and choose to come back
or not,
someday there'll be a storage space
with your name on it,
with all your worldly belongings,
you'll leave it all behind
and simply go
wherever
you're not sure where
but anywhere must be better than
here,
you kind of know
that you're too scared, too comfortable,
too -- too to go
maybe you'll surprise yourself,
maybe you'll do it,
quit your job,
leave this life behind
go away not knowing
if or when you're coming back,
maybe you'll do it.

Pain

I don't like the pain,
but I miss the drama,
the highs
and lows
that come with not knowing
or knowing too much
or feeling too much,
and now I simply don't feel at all.

I wanted this,
I know
I asked for it
to feel normal
but what does normal mean
and why do I hate it so.

You and I
try to figure it out
in that tiny little room
shutting the world outside,
but it doesn't stop for me,
all still waiting
when I come back.

And I hate it
and love it
sometimes want to run
and sometimes never want to leave.
I wanted stable
and this isn't it
but it's close to normal.

But why are there days
when I feel so numb
wishing to pinch
pull
cut
until I bleed
something, anything,
to feel pain again.

Is it better to hurt
or to be so numb
that you feel
absolutely
nothing
at all?

Sleep

I don't want to go to sleep.
It's not that I fear the dark,
Or I feel like I would miss out on life,
In fact I crave the dark
And life can wait.

I'm scared of going to sleep,
As the icy hand of night caresses my cheeks
And drowsiness sets in
I try to fight it
To stay awake
To play some more.

I'm scared of
Going to sleep with the quiet
And waking up
Once more
Alone.

The night presses in
My eyelids droop
Begging for respite
Craving sleep
But I fight it
I fight you
Kicking and screaming
But you just don't get it.

Sleep will come,
I know it will.
I can't fight it forever.
If I could just hold on
A little longer...

Take

Take
my memory
of you
with you when you go
I don't want it
anymore,
when I'm all alone.

I try to learn to trust myself
as you trust me,
responsibility,
they give me
more and more each day
that I stay.

You keep talking
about the day you will be gone,
you'll be leaving
so you say,
I keep waiting
not wanting it to come.

I lean on you,
oh how I do,
pretending that I need your help,
but do I,
or is it just the child in me
refusing to let you go?

You watched me grow
I hope I made you proud,
but as they crowd
in the doorway to watch you leave
I hope you'll remember me.

You tease me
that I will be calling you every day
with questions,
I ask them now
while you're around
cuz one day you'll be gone
and I'll have no one to ask anymore.

I don't need you,
not really,
not anymore,
but I ask so that you'll stick around,
cuz one day I'll need you
but you'll be gone.

And I'll be on my own.

Static

Shhhh...
do you hear that?
Quiet...
Shhh...
But they don't get it,
they just keep talking,
your lips are moving
and all I hear is
bla bla bla
your lips are moving
and you lie lie lie,
I wish you'd stop
but maybe it's me that needs to
stop trying,
stop caring,
stop doing,  
stop being
what you want
because what you want
doesn't matter
and what I want
hasn't mattered in too long.

Shhh...
I wish you'd stop talking,
my head craves the silence,
I want to hide in the closet
where no one will find me,
turn off my radio
rip out the plug,
make it stop
all that static
all that chatter,
make it disappear
into the silence.

Shhh....
turn off the TV,
turn off the light,
everyone stop talking,
pretend I'm not here
I pretend like you're not talking
like you don't need something
like the phone's not ringing
and the people aren't demanding service.

I pretend the world is still and silent.

Shhh...
do you hear that?
It is the sound
of a million voices
hushed,
still,
breath frozen
waiting for the signal
to start up again.

But just for a minute,
shhhh.
be still, will you,
and let me enjoy the quiet.

Number 2

I just keep seeing that number 2

that number 2

it's just not number one,

its no more fun

and I just want you to go away

and yet you stay

I hear your voice inside my head

I want it to stop

but you never stop

you're always there

you're everywhere

and I don't want to hate you

but I do.

Because you're that number 2.

Word Salad

Step up and take control
of the show
for if you know
how much power you hold
they will fold
and you will win.

You want to win, don't you,
and winning's not a sin
don't let them in
just keep pushing
just keep doing
just keep being you.

Everyone is leaving,
moving on, going away,
not just for a day,
they will not be back.
And you rejoice for them
but not for you.

For you,
you want more,
you want bigger, you want better
you want brighter and greater and MORE--
so why hold back, why not take it
grasp it and run with it
and never look back.

You feel like a prisoner in this palace,
but who is keeping you here
no one is stopping you
there's the door,
just go, GO why don't you.

But no, they need you
they will always need you
or so you think,
and you want to feel needed
you NEED to feel wanted
and so you stay.

For now.
But when he leaves
so will you-- so you say,
that day will come
and you wonder if he'll call
and you wonder if he'll even remember your name.

You sleep the morning away,
phone on silent so you can't hear them call,
and they do call
but it's okay, they were okay
everything was okay
they can manage without you.

One day they won't need you
and you will be useless to them,
you want to leave
before they realize
how much little value you hold.

The snowflakes hit your face,
this wonderful white world
trees adorned with snow
like a furry white coat
and you are outside in middle of the day.

You are a slave to the job
and you know it.
Don't jump, don't be rash
bide your time before you go
just wait.

Don't hate
the ones
who hold you back
for you realize
there are no bindings
tying you down.

You're free to go
if you please.
The door is wide open.
Why are you still here?

That Face

Surprised to see me?
I've been here all along
waiting for you
to turn and notice me,
yet you never really look.

You don't see life
or love, or future
all you see is dark circles
and makeup smudges
tiredness.

That face
the one that looks dewy and tanned
or pale and white,
that face that looks pristine and fresh
or tired and blurred.

That face
that looks lean and thin
or full and bloated,
that face that smiles in greeting
or glares in warning.

That face
that tells all
and yet reveals not a thing
that face that you can never hide
with an oversized sweater.

That face
at once so familiar
and yet a stranger
that face that makes you look twice
wondering where you've seen her before.

That face
is all that stands between you
and the world,
that face will never leave you,
will never let you go.

Look at her
and tell her
all the things you love
and all the things you hate
about your face.

Normal

It's a typical motzei Shabbos scene. She stands in her kitchen washing the dishes, sweeping the floor, putting away the challah cover, shaking out the table cloth, gathering up her kids' many articles of clothing to bring upstairs and wash.

The phone rings. And rings. And rings again. She answers it, and each time it is a different sibling, calling to say hi, how was Shabbos, who ate over, did your kids sleep, did they like the sweater we sent.

She discusses a purim party theme with one sister, and a newly purchased house with another sister, and when her mother, who has just eaten over that afternoon, calls to say how nice the meal was, they talk briefly.

Typical? Not for me. I try to avoid talking to my siblings as much as I can, and when I do, I rejoice that we managed to have a 4.5 minute conversation without fighting.

I lay on the floor playing with the baby, who is all smiles and refuses to go to sleep. The kids are in pajamas, also trying to stay out of their mother's sight and avoid having to go to bed.

It's snowing out, and I know I have to go home sometime, but I stick around because it feels so normal. Functional.

It's a typical motzei Shabbos scene, only not-so-typical for me.

I can't wait to have my own home and to create my own normal.

:(

Picking a fight
Mad that you're leaving
Mad at you for breaking free
And leaving me behind.
Forgetting me.
Funny how I always thought I'd leave first
And you would stay forever.

Funny how things change.
As much as we wish them
To remain the same
Forever.

Forever seems so long
And yet like that you will be gone
Forever.
And we shall never meet again.

That makes me sad
And mad
And so I fight you
Every step of the way
I contradict you
Disrespect you
Question you
When all I really want to say is that
I'll miss you.

But some things are better left unsaid.

Hiding

Like,
Lying under a pile
Of freshly laundered clothing
Relishing their smell
Their warmth surrounding you
In a hug.

Wanting to hold on
And never let go.
Eyes closed for so long
Never looking, never knowing
What's out there.
Cover your ears
Screaming 'lalala can't hear you!'
As if you could protect yourself
From the harsh reality
Called life.

Soon that bubble will burst
And you will fall
Free falling
Into the night
With no arms to catch you
And no where soft to land.

Cold

The cold
makes you withdraw
into yourself
wishing for warmth
and sun.

But the sun
has gone away
don't know when
it will be back
to stay.

I miss it.
Heightened anxiety
darker moods
uncomfortable
inside your skin.

Freezing wind
as icy as
your stare
when you look at me,
but I look away.

Don't want to see
the truth,
don't want to admit
that you're gone
and you're never coming back.

Want to know why
but don't want to ask,
what's the point.
So I stand in the cold,
waiting for the sun's return.

The Shikse

She was a Shikse, he was a Jew, that was all we ever knew.

My mom was a crazy baal teshuva, and that's how the story began, many years ago.

I can't say that it is over yet.

She thought she could 'save' him.

She thought she was doing the right thing by trying to break them up.

I think she was insane.

"You remember Patricia?"

No... blank stare.

"Patricia, Marc's wife."

Oh.... that Patricia. I thought she was called Patty.

She was never called Patty?

Her kid looks familiar. Zach, is it? I think I've seen pictures on Facebook.

Eleven, is he? Has it really been that long?

Do you even know who I am? Are we really gonna play this dance?

He reminds me of my dad, in that 'they must be related' kind of way. They have the same humor.

My mom keeps saying how important family is, which is kind of funny given our history.

I never had a choice.

But now I do.

I add 'Patricia' on Facebook.

Mending fences, one relative at a time.

No.

They say insanity is doing the same thing
over and over again
and expecting different results.
I guess that makes me insane.

The name of the game is heart break
and you are so good at it,
or is it me who
loves the drama.

Stupid, stupid, stupid,
for going after you
when you were so clearly
through with me.

Those girls who say
better to have the wrong one
than to have no one
has never met you.

Like Frankenstein's monster
I try to be
a little bit of everyone
hoping to be the one for you.

Except that gets me no where
but losing bits of myself
along the way,
pieces I didn't know I lost.

But I am pretty,
oh so pretty,
pretty and witty,
what more could you want?


You can't touch me,
you can't hurt me,
you can't find me
I must be hiding away.

There are so many reasons
for saying 'no'
I've heard them all,
I just don't care.

All it takes is one ''yes',
I've asked G-d
but all I hear
is silence.

Remember Tonight

White hot anger
coursing through me,
the cause partially
unknown.

Can't describe
the reason why
I'm so upset
about today.

The stress
was too much
everything
going wrong.

And you were gone
and I was left
to clean up mistakes,
to fix things.

I hate
when things spiral
out of control
as they often do.

Always playing catch up
never any time
to catch our breath
to recap.

I text you furiously
so mad
to the point of tears
unable to translate to words.

You call me seconds later,
I half expected it,
didn't want to answer,
hesitated.

But your voice,
your words,
they calm me,
bring me back from the edge.

You make everything
seem alright,
everything is manageable
to you.

We never had time
to talk,
but now somehow
we do.

I wonder what the score is,
you rushed home
to see the game,
but waste your time on me.

The snow falls softly around us,
your voice in my ear,
familiar and reassuring,
my stress ebbing away.

I'm going to miss you
when you're gone.
But I'm sure
you already know that.

Landing

The ground is getting closer
the sky grows far away,
The snow is gray and dirty
it's just that kind of day.

I knew I had to come back
I can't be gone forever
But when will things stop moving
When will it all be over.

Sometimes I just can't breath,
it all becomes too much
I need to get away
from reality, lose touch.

But I never really landed
I'm still up in the air
Searching for a place
that was never even there.

They compliment my new look
my hair flows straight and free
I tried to be different
but I can't get away from me.

And every time I go away
I'm forced to return again
Whatever demons I'm fighting
it never really ends.

Snowed In

I never thought I'd be more interested in going to work then sleeping in and having a snow day.

I feel restless.

I just got back from vacation. It's weird, people keep asking me what I did in Florida, and truthfully I didn't do much, but I relaxed and had a great time. I didn't think about work at all. And then I was ready to come back and get back into the swing of things. Everyone at work was happy to see me back, and it's great to have people that you look forward to seeing. (I even got an awkward hug from a guy who didn't understand when I said 'air hug').

But now with the snow shutting down the city, I am bored and itching to go out and do something. Anything.

The problem with being busy all the time with work and school is that your friends pretty much get pushed to the wayside, and when you are 'ready' to hang out again, no one is around. Or you forget their names since it's been so long.

One guy at work  invited another guy over for beers tonight, and just like that they had plans. I wish it were that simple, that I could do away with all the stupid planning, arranging, thinking about fun things to do and never actually doing them. I wish I could just kick back with a friend and grab a beer. But I don't drink beers, and I wasn't invited.

I am sitting here thinking I should go to sleep but I don't have work tomorrow (officially) yet the thought of me sleeping in with a big white wonderful world outside is a downer.

Something about a snow day makes me want to bake. But I have been baking way too much lately, and I am trying to take a break.

"Instead of waiting for things to come to you, go out and make them happen."

Well, look at that. Just got a call from a friend asking me to come over to her place to watch a movie and bake. So yay, I guess I have friends after all.

As one client said to me today, "Happy Blizzard!"

Invisible

Once
everything was
shiny and new
you smiled at me and wanted to know
who I am,
what my story was,
tell me about yourself.

You listened,
or pretended to,
you joked with me,
laughed with me,
looked at me
and made me feel
seen.

Time passes,
the newness wears off
and suddenly I am invisible
to you
to them all
like an old toy forgotten,
never to be played with again.

There's someone new
to fawn over,
someone, something more interesting,
my smile doesn't appeal to you
my cookies no longer satisfy you
I'm yesterday's news
and tomorrow's trash.

Standing outside
with out-stretched arms
head thrown back
howling at the moon
the wind carrying your voice
to heaven
I wonder if they can see me from space.

Does anyone see me,
does anyone hear me,
I talk and you ignore me
you laugh with others
joke with others
but to you
I am invisible.

Snow-covered Beauty

Stress and pressure weighing down on me
making me want to run
away.
I find a place to hide
outside
in the freezing cold
and hope no one will find me.

I talk on the phone in tears
wondering why I can't just
suck it up
and deal with it
like a man
but I'm no man
and no one should have to deal with this.

I love my job
but I hate the way it
sucks me in
leaving work at midnight
because I just can't let go
they don't ask me to stay
but I expect it of myself.

While you were away
I tried
to do the job of two men
but I need you
so please don't go away again.
I tried to be you
but I couldn't.

The sight of fresh white snow
envelopes me in its beauty
and simplicity
I breathe it in
though snow has no smell,
I smell it, I feel it
in every breath.

And the snow
makes everything better
everything brighter
all my problems go away
if only for a minute
as I watch the snowflakes fall lazily to earth
and find a place to rest.

Things will get better I know,
they always do.
Well-rested weekend
and ready to start again.
Sad songs playing on the radio
don't make me sad no more
and I know I've grown.