Pain

I don't like the pain,
but I miss the drama,
the highs
and lows
that come with not knowing
or knowing too much
or feeling too much,
and now I simply don't feel at all.

I wanted this,
I know
I asked for it
to feel normal
but what does normal mean
and why do I hate it so.

You and I
try to figure it out
in that tiny little room
shutting the world outside,
but it doesn't stop for me,
all still waiting
when I come back.

And I hate it
and love it
sometimes want to run
and sometimes never want to leave.
I wanted stable
and this isn't it
but it's close to normal.

But why are there days
when I feel so numb
wishing to pinch
pull
cut
until I bleed
something, anything,
to feel pain again.

Is it better to hurt
or to be so numb
that you feel
absolutely
nothing
at all?