Landing

The ground is getting closer
the sky grows far away,
The snow is gray and dirty
it's just that kind of day.

I knew I had to come back
I can't be gone forever
But when will things stop moving
When will it all be over.

Sometimes I just can't breath,
it all becomes too much
I need to get away
from reality, lose touch.

But I never really landed
I'm still up in the air
Searching for a place
that was never even there.

They compliment my new look
my hair flows straight and free
I tried to be different
but I can't get away from me.

And every time I go away
I'm forced to return again
Whatever demons I'm fighting
it never really ends.

Snowed In

I never thought I'd be more interested in going to work then sleeping in and having a snow day.

I feel restless.

I just got back from vacation. It's weird, people keep asking me what I did in Florida, and truthfully I didn't do much, but I relaxed and had a great time. I didn't think about work at all. And then I was ready to come back and get back into the swing of things. Everyone at work was happy to see me back, and it's great to have people that you look forward to seeing. (I even got an awkward hug from a guy who didn't understand when I said 'air hug').

But now with the snow shutting down the city, I am bored and itching to go out and do something. Anything.

The problem with being busy all the time with work and school is that your friends pretty much get pushed to the wayside, and when you are 'ready' to hang out again, no one is around. Or you forget their names since it's been so long.

One guy at work  invited another guy over for beers tonight, and just like that they had plans. I wish it were that simple, that I could do away with all the stupid planning, arranging, thinking about fun things to do and never actually doing them. I wish I could just kick back with a friend and grab a beer. But I don't drink beers, and I wasn't invited.

I am sitting here thinking I should go to sleep but I don't have work tomorrow (officially) yet the thought of me sleeping in with a big white wonderful world outside is a downer.

Something about a snow day makes me want to bake. But I have been baking way too much lately, and I am trying to take a break.

"Instead of waiting for things to come to you, go out and make them happen."

Well, look at that. Just got a call from a friend asking me to come over to her place to watch a movie and bake. So yay, I guess I have friends after all.

As one client said to me today, "Happy Blizzard!"

Invisible

Once
everything was
shiny and new
you smiled at me and wanted to know
who I am,
what my story was,
tell me about yourself.

You listened,
or pretended to,
you joked with me,
laughed with me,
looked at me
and made me feel
seen.

Time passes,
the newness wears off
and suddenly I am invisible
to you
to them all
like an old toy forgotten,
never to be played with again.

There's someone new
to fawn over,
someone, something more interesting,
my smile doesn't appeal to you
my cookies no longer satisfy you
I'm yesterday's news
and tomorrow's trash.

Standing outside
with out-stretched arms
head thrown back
howling at the moon
the wind carrying your voice
to heaven
I wonder if they can see me from space.

Does anyone see me,
does anyone hear me,
I talk and you ignore me
you laugh with others
joke with others
but to you
I am invisible.

Snow-covered Beauty

Stress and pressure weighing down on me
making me want to run
away.
I find a place to hide
outside
in the freezing cold
and hope no one will find me.

I talk on the phone in tears
wondering why I can't just
suck it up
and deal with it
like a man
but I'm no man
and no one should have to deal with this.

I love my job
but I hate the way it
sucks me in
leaving work at midnight
because I just can't let go
they don't ask me to stay
but I expect it of myself.

While you were away
I tried
to do the job of two men
but I need you
so please don't go away again.
I tried to be you
but I couldn't.

The sight of fresh white snow
envelopes me in its beauty
and simplicity
I breathe it in
though snow has no smell,
I smell it, I feel it
in every breath.

And the snow
makes everything better
everything brighter
all my problems go away
if only for a minute
as I watch the snowflakes fall lazily to earth
and find a place to rest.

Things will get better I know,
they always do.
Well-rested weekend
and ready to start again.
Sad songs playing on the radio
don't make me sad no more
and I know I've grown.

Get-a-way

Bliss.

My Shabbos turned from an anti-social one-woman no-meals sleep-all-day event into a getaway with 6 other people, spur of the moment decision which I can describe as blissful.

I was surrounded by good company, decent food, and we just chilled. I got dressed up even though the crowd was casual and would not have cared if I stayed in pajamas all day. And I was tempted to do so. But it felt nice to dress up for a change, wear heels.

I experienced a new community. Due to my sheltered and spoiled upbringing, I never realized there was life outside of Brooklyn. There are Jews in other communities! They dress like us, talk like us, go to shul like us. They were warm and welcoming and showed me all that I was missing.

I was right near the ocean, and I could smell the salt in the air. Unfortunately, the weather was rainy the whole day, so we didn't make it to the beach. But it was so relaxing waking up to a peaceful quiet day and having a nice Shabbos with new and interesting people.

I should get away more often.

Comfort

Wearing my red 'hooker' boots, which may or may not be maroon, and that matters because if they are maroon then they are classy, elegant, but if they are red, they scream rebellion, and promiscuity, but today I don't really care, I just want to look good. For who? I don't know.

I don't know why I'm wearing them to work today, they are not so comfortable and not so practical, thought a part of me just really needs a win today. Yesterday I did my hair in an elegant bun, and they noticed. Today I wore my red suede boots, and they noticed. I don't know why I'm trying to get noticed. Maybe because I stopped baking, and I'm scared they will forget me.

I have been baking regularly for the office, I don't know why. Maybe I just want them to like me, accept me, though I've been here for 4 months, they already have a nickname for me, I got a key to the warehouse that not many people have, I got a radio that I requested, and today I got a raise. If that's not acceptance, then I don't know what is.

But I still somehow feel... empty. The office is emptying out, it is 7 pm, and here I am, still here, with nothing better to do at home. It's late and I'm tired and I just want to go home, but this place, this job, it sucks me in, the work never stops and so technically I could stay forever and never leave.

I used to have to leave at a certain time every day to go to school, and now that I'm on break I just stay and get work done, because what's the point of going home to a sad lonely apartment and watching tv for a few hours then going to bed.

I try to stay positive, I looked awesome today and I got many compliments. I feel powerful, I feel like no one will mess with me and I can do it all. I work around mainly guys, and they notice, and they comment, and they can see that I mean business and when I say I'm going places I will make it happen.

Some days I love it, I love being busy and I love being around all these people.

But then there are days like today, when everything becomes overwhelming, when everything is stressful, when everyone is leaving at the end of the day to go home to their kids and families, and I have no one to go home to.

I have big plans for 2015. It is the year I turn 25. I will graduate college with a bachelors degree, I will reach my goal weight, I will reach a financial goal I set for myself, and G-d willing it will be the year that I meet the man I'm gonna marry.

And all that sounds exciting, and it is not all in my hands, and I know that. For some reason G-d wants me to be alone right now, maybe to learn how to become the strong independent woman that I am learning how to be every day. And I know I am not really alone. I call my mom and end up crying on the phone at work, because I just want to go home, only I don't know where that is right now.

But I am scared and I am lonely, and tonight I just don't know where to turn for comfort.

Static

Chatter,
that's how news travels around here.
No form of communication,
hear it through the grapevine
or you never heard it at all.


Head underwater,
can't swallow,
like a golf ball encased in wool
shoved down your throat,
they call it strep,
I call it misery.

Doc says take a day off,
rest and recover,
I apologize to my boss,
say I can come in anyway,
if you need me.

He says we'll manage without you,
so I go back to sleep,
and enjoy two days off,
bliss and oblivious
to what was left behind.

Two days. Two.
"Oh thank G-d you're back."
Her face says it all.
Every single person
asks how I'm feeling,
they missed me.

I'm feeling under-appreciated,
I tell one manager,
I put in a request that went ignored,
I feel like you guys don't respect me.

I just wanted a radio,
I wanted to feel like part of the team,
Like I mattered.
But he just couldn't find one for me.
So I slunk away, mad and upset.

Merry Christmas,
he tells me.
I found one for you after all.
He looks at me and says,
"They were falling apart without you."

Call it an ego boost,
call it insecurity,
call it whatever you want,
it's just nice to feel appreciated.
Too bad it takes getting sick
for them to tell you good job,
we can't do it without you.

And just like that
I matter.

You say hello, I say goodbye

It's the last class of the semester, and we're having a party. One girl tears up relating her experiences in the class. I never get attached. The end of the semester means the end, goodbye, it's been fun, see you never. My group from the final project says, we'll keep in touch, totally! Ya, not gonna happen. If I kept in touch with every person I ever came across in my life, I'd have litter. And no one likes litter. I weed out my friends every now and then, to be sure that only the quality ones remain. (Don't take that the way it sounds, I don't dump friends or anything. I just don't have that many of them).

I don't see the point in keeping in touch, especially at school. I don't need random old classmates in my life. I go to school and go home and that's that.

I got my first grade of the semester: A+. Yay.

 Happy night #2!

Oh Chanukah...

The new guy fist bumped me today. And I just... let it happen. I guess no one filled him in on the weird traditions of no touching guys that we have going on. I want to say something, but it seems a little weak after the fact. Like, hey new guy, I know we fist bumped once, but don't expect it to happen again, cuz I'm shomer negia, and ya that's a real thing. Sometimes I wonder what it really means to be shomer negia. Because honestly, it is so easy to let it go. It's not even an effort, really. You just simply let some guy shake your hand once and suddenly, what's the big deal?

I'm still at work as the sun goes down and Chanukah begins... My body is weak and tired and I feel a cold coming on... I lay down on the floor of the office and shut my eyes... The manager asks if I'm okay, and I tell him I'm fine... There's a big box of chocolate that someone donated, and suddenly I want chocolate... But all the chocolate in the world will not help me feel better... It will make me feel worse.

I walk over to L's desk and just sit down. He asks me what I want. I tell him I'm sick, and honestly I just want some sympathy. His wife was in the office today. He acts uptight around her, as if he never makes inappropriate comments or flirts with anyone when she is not around. He comes from an extremely Chassidish world. People have many sides to them...

I ask him for a ride home. He makes me sit in the back. I live out of his way, but he takes me anyway. I plan to ignore him and listen to music the whole way home. But he talks to me. I tell him how hard it is to be alone on a holiday like Chanukah, where everything is about family. Shidduchim comes up, as it always does. I find myself confiding in him, telling him about a date I had recently. I want him to make it all better. At work, he can be a pain, he ignores me when I make a request that he doesn't like, he blames me for miscommunications, and he is hard to deal with. But when I sit down at his desk to talk, suddenly he is a real person, listening and giving advice.

His phone rings and I see it says 'Home'. He puts his finger to his lips in a shushing motion. After all, his wife can't know that he drove me home, cuz what might that mean...?

We come from two different worlds. I'm not saying I think it's okay to be friendly with a married coworker, and it is definitely a slippery slope. I guess he doesn't want his wife making any insinuations.

I call my mom and tell her how sad it is that I'm alone on Chanukah and lighting candles by myself. I realize how pathetic I sound. I tell Anthony that it is like him being alone on Christmas, to which he responds "I will be alone on Christmas".

I guess it is all about perspective. I don't have it that bad, and I have to remember that.

I hope to bake tonight, and baking always cheers me up.

A freilechin Chanukah to all, and I hope you can see true revealed light in your life.

Give Up

Pitch black,
the sound of rain streaming down
outside my window,
alarm blaring,
coming out of the haze we call sleep,
disoriented,
what is that noise,
shut off the alarm,
looking at the phone like, what is that
and how did it get in my hand.

Crawling to the bathroom,
eyes asdjusting to the light,
staring at your reflection,
thinking about last night
wondering why you have to go through this
again,
and again,
when will it end.

Bleary eyed,
foggy brain,
you know you need to brush your teeth,
do your routine,
get dressed, go to work,
get through the day
but you are so sick of just
getting through the day,
what's the point.

Why,
you don't know who to ask
but you want to ask,
why??
Tired, you are so tired,
the cold bathroom floor, any floor really
seems tempting,
just lie down and curl up in a ball
and sleep.

Let me sleep through it,
shut my eyes
and glide through the hard times in life,
skip over it
straight to the good.
But if we gave up
 when the going got tough,
would there be any good times to have?

Sheldon would offer me a cup of tea,
but hey, TV ain't real life,
plus, I know how to make tea,
but right now I have to go to work,
so I hug myself tight,
saying everything will be okay,
my mom would do that
but she's not here.

Sometimes, the desire to give up is so strong,
but giving up is not an option.

Poison

“Sometimes when things are falling apart, they may actually be falling into place.”

If you hurt me, I will hurt you back,
I will twist and pull and pinch
until you feel the pain that you caused me.

The rain comes pouring down
drenching me,
and I like it, I crave it.

Sometimes we want the pain.
Don't lie,
you like it.

You crave the hurt
you get high on the fall
on the descent into hell.

Oh how you pretend that it's okay
to play, it's all fun and games
until someone gets hurt.

And that someone is always you.
While guys go on their merry way
and don't look back.

Oh how I want to hurt you,
but really who caused this pain,
Not I...?

Take a bite of the poisonous apple
and enjoy it, savor it,
love it.

Tomorrow will come
and he'll still be there,
only you will be in millions of pieces.

And you did this.
But who will take the blame.

To Live

You judge me,
I see it in your eyes when you look at me,
like you know better
what's best for me.

The truth is,
my conscience stopped bothering me
a long time ago
it's quiet now.

I can't say that's a good thing
but I'm enjoying life
no guilt
no regrets.

You think I'm still that innocent girl
of yesteryear
but I'm not
and never will be again.

My choices, my decisions
are on me,
the consequences
affect me alone.

I see a girl in a mini skirt
and I start to judge her,
and then I remember how it feels
to be judged.

I don't want your advice,
so I probably shouldn't tell you
cuz you don't want to know
and that's okay.

I look at her
like you look at me
but remember that
you never know all the details.

I didn't give up
I just decided to live
and not worry about
tomorrow.

You asked

6:00 AM... the world is still and silent,
lights flickering off one by one
the night sky still black.

It's cold out,
my body still waking up
but invigorated.

At work at 6:45 am...
because you asked
and so I came.

To feel needed...
to feel wanted...
your face says it all.

That you didn't know I would come
that you appreciated that I came
but you asked.

And so I came,
no questions asked
because you take care of me.

So I take care of you
and it feels nice
to be needed.

I know I give you a hard time,
but if you need me
just ask and I'll be there.

Chill

I used to hate the cold, dark dreary nights
the light waning at 4
going dark and sucking you in
the cold hitting your hands, and face
places you never knew could feel a draft.

I used to hate the heavy feeling that descended along with winter,
the desire to eat more
extra padding emotionally and physically
wanting to stay indoors
and never ever seeing the sun.

The sky is clear tonight,
millions of stars pricking
the black silky expanse
the cold searing my lungs
but pure and fresh and beautiful,
oh so beautiful.

I can't feel my hands
but I feel alive
I don't feel elation
but the heavy feeling is gone,
for once I don't feel like eating away my feelings,
and I know that means that I've changed.

Huddled in my coat
braced against the cold,
I could stay here forever
frozen in time and place,
just a girl
sitting on a subway platform
wiling away the time
enjoying the beautiful
chilled
silence.

Me

She startles me.
I don't recognize her.

I approach the glass tentatively,
trying to see some trace of familiarity.

The black inky sky creates a one-way mirror,
and I see her.

I see me.
But I've never seen her before.

The hallway is empty
and so I stare unselfconsciously.

Look at her,
that girl who was once ashamed of mirrors and photographs.

That girl who walked awkwardly by guys
wondering what they were thinking.

That girl who begged the world to accept her, love her,
but who couldn't even love herself.

I look at her, at me,
in admiration.

I've had more bad days than not this week,
and yet still the fighter in me won't give up.

I trace the curve of my hips, turn this way and that,
and then simply sit awhile.

I look out at the night sky, loving the view from up here,
the quietness so peaceful it causes me to drift off.

I sleep, and when I wake up she's still there,
staring back pensively.

She's not a stranger.
She's an old friend who was lost for awhile.

And now I've found her.
I finally found me.

Mistakes

It's like Deja Vu, only...different.
I said I'd never make the same mistakes again
and yet here I am.
Weird how we keep circling back.

Frustration builds inside of me
every time you're around.
It's stupid, really. We're grown ups
and yet you act like a child.

Some people victimize themselves
and blame others for their own mistakes.
Is that what I'm doing here?
Were you a mistake?

Every day, every look, every taunt
is a reminder of how foolish this is,
how stupid and careless this is
how I stopped thinking.

I stopped thinking for one minute,
and that was it.
You can't undo what you've done
and consequences follow.

I want to turn back the clock
and start over
but how different would it be really?
There'd be no you, no me. No us.

Just as it's supposed to be.

I wanna get away

Restless.
Can't sit still.
I wanna jump on a plane and fly away,
enjoy the warmth of the sky's embrace.

Close my eyes
and point to a globe,
just go anywhere
and stay for awhile.

Come back when I'm ready,
whenever that may be.
Just not here,
I can't stay here.

I think of all the things that tie me down,
and all the reasons for me to go.
If I were impulsive
I'd be gone by now.

Restless.
Can't sit still.
I think of all the fun I could be having
and all that I'm missing.

I just wanna get away.
Take a break for awhile.
Come back when I'm ready.
Whenever that may be.

Or never.
Imagine starting over somewhere fresh.
Leave your old life behind.
You can be anybody.

How can you keep going
when you want to be
anywhere
but here?

Quietude

I put my mom to sleep in the other room. She's spending the night with me.

I'm waiting for the place to be quiet so I can think.

I think best in middle of the night, when everyone is sleeping. I love the peace, the quiet, the alone time.

I love being alone.

Even if sometimes it gets lonely.

My mom came to class with me tonight. The topic was suicide. She talked about my grandmother.

I never knew her. She died before I was born.

We all knew about her suicide early on. My mom says there are no secrets in our family.

Except for the things we never say.

I used to tell my friends that my grandmother committed suicide before I realized how socially unacceptable that was to talk about.

But isn't that the point, really?

Why must we stigmatize things that we have no control over?

Depression is a sickness and must be treated like any other.

My mom said Bubby Dorris loved to shop, and would buy tons of clothes in many colors.

She would have probably taken us shopping, if she was still alive.

But she's not.

I never really felt anything about it, until I was in Florida when I was 18. I thought about visiting her grave, but never made it there.

I thought, how incredibly selfish of her, to kill herself without thinking of the people she was leaving behind.

Why didn't she think of me??

My mom told her she would be okay. Because that was all she could say.

It's not okay, really. It never is.

My mama stood up there speaking in front of the class, and told them things I never knew.

I knew about her own depression, and finally deciding to get the help she needed.

My teacher told us the way to know if someone is serious about suicide is to ask them if they have a plan. If they do, you should be worried.

My mom said she once thought she would go to Coney Island, start swimming, and never stop.

But she didn't want to do that to her family.

I'm glad she got the help when she did.

They say depression is hereditary.

I wonder how much it will affect me.

Sometimes I feel sad.

But sadness is not depression. Sadness is feelings of pain or loneliness welling up inside of you and seeping out as much as you try to stuff it down.

Every time I get stressed or overwhelmed, I calm my self down by saying, you're okay, everything will be okay.

And it always is.

It's quiet now, and I wish it would stay this way. I wish the quiet calm would last.

Except it never does.

Tomorrow I will get up and go to work and go to school and deal with the stresses and responsibilities that come with my life, and hope that I can get through the day with a smile on my face.

I wish my grandmother lived to see the legacy she left behind.

She wanted to know that we would be okay.

I know we will be okay.

I know, because it took us years to get to this point.

I know, because I knew what depression felt like, that black hole that makes you feel like you will never be happy again.

I know, because you changed, and so did we.

I know we will be okay, and as you sleep in the other room and I remember everything you said to the class tonight, I think about how lucky I am to have a mother as strong as you.

We will be okay because we have each other.

And two is stronger than one.

Winter

That dark, dreary feeling you get from walking outside on a cold rainy night. Hood drawn up, hunched in a sweater, walking fast, hands bunched in the sleeves.

Cold, yes. But refreshing. Walking inside to light and warm air, and already you miss the fresh exhilarating cold of the night air.

Wearing work-out clothes, but not working out. Pretend studying. Waiting for the clock to change.

Procrastinating....

Winter is coming on fast. Think: dark and depressing.

And so it begins.

Languages of Love

I punch him even though I'm not supposed to touch him, because he said my name wrong.

Deliberately.

He says, ow that really hurts, and I tell him he deserves it, because he should know my name by now.

And still I bring him cookies.

~~~~~~~~~~

I'm at the checkout counter and all I have are two boxes of brown sugar.

It's late, the guy behind the counter is eating something, maybe a sad meal he calls dinner.

I feel like talking, saying something, anything.

I'm tired, he's probably tired and couldn't care less what I have to say.

I say, I was in middle of baking and realized I needed brown sugar. How great is it that you are open so late.

He titters. Definitely not a full laugh.

I leave with my purchases, wondering why humans feel the need to interact with complete strangers.

~~~~~~~~~~

My roommates comment every time I bake, asking me what I'm making, what it's for, who it's for, if they could have some.

I tell them I was feeling down and instead of eating away my feelings, I decided to bake and make other people happy.

I know there are people who will be very happy tomorrow to hear I made cookies.

~~~~~~~~~~

I go to pick up my tray from my friend's house, after eating there on Shabbos.

The tray is still filled with my lemon bars, and that makes me sad.

She apologizes and tells me her family doesn't really like to try new things.

That's fine, I will take my lemon bars elsewhere, to a place where people appreciate them.

~~~~~~~~~~

 

I found out that the family friend I have been davening for passed away today. 

I saw the news right before class started. 

I couldn't focus in class.

There was a guy in my class who also knows the family.

It was nice to have someone to commiserate with.

Tomorrow I will be going to a levaya, and that makes me sad. 

~~~~~~~~~~

 

She always had a smile on her face, asking about my mom and my family.

She was at every bris, every family simcha, taking pictures and helping make the family happy.

Her family was our very first neighbors when we moved to Crown Heights.

I grew up with her kids.

Most of her kids are married now, but I keep thinking of her husband, and how very hard it will be for him to move on.

Do people ever really move on from death?

Are they supposed to?

~~~~~~~~~~

I stay up late baking cookies,and think of her smiling down on her family. 

I hope they will be okay.