Don't try this at home, (boys and) girls

Ever wore a short a-line fluttery skirt on a windy day? Bad combination. Really bad day to wear such a skirt. Picture a Marilyn situation:

Try walking down the street clutching at your skirt every time you feel a breeze, for fear of it blowing up and showing off everything you got. Caution: can cause much anxiety.

Lesson learned.

No need to be frum all the time?

I always find it funny when I see guys running down the block carrying their yalmukas in hand. So, like, because you are running it's okay to not wear it? Yes, I know it is awkward when you run while holding one hand over your head to keep it in place. Personally, I've never tried it. Truthfully, I've never worn a yalmuka. Try bobby pins?

We've all heard the question, are you frum if you are only frum in public, but not in private. But what does it make you if you are willing to do things publicly that are wrong?

Maybe they didn't even realize, and it was a subconscious gesture, you run, you carry it so it doesn't fly off. But if you are not even thinking about what you are doing, are you not properly serving Hashem?

I may be thinking too much into this. On my break, watching 2 guys cross in middle of the street, waiting for traffic to die down, BOTH of them took off their yalmukas to dash in front of traffic and put them back on when they got to the other side.It may me laugh.

It's like a joke. Why did the frum guys cross the street?

What would you say the punch line is?

Love me tender

Lyrics can be found here.

Oldies, but goodies. Sometimes you just listen to soft music, and try to believe that love really does exist.

Carpe Diem

You're in a supermarket. The lines are all long. Everyone has full shopping carts at the checkout counters. You only have 5 items. Even the '15 items or less' isles are full. You pick a line that seems the shortest. You wait impatiently, wondering how long this will take. Suddenly, you see another line start moving. You make a quick decision. You dash for that line. Right before you get there, someone with an overflowing shopping cart cuts in front of you and get's there first. You turn around, ready to run back to the original line. There are five more people on line, and by now you would have been at the head of the line.

Carpe Diem. Seize the day. If an opportunity comes along, jump on it. Good things don't wait for you. They pass you by. You miss them.

It says, "Good things come to those who wait", but I say, good things come to those who put in effort and make it happen.

?אם לא עכשיו, אימתי (Pirkei Avoth 1:14) If not now, when?

Just do it.

Waiting

Holding my breath,
waiting for things to
change?

To fall into place.
To get better.
To magically work out.

Every day I wait.
Wondering if
today will be the day.

I stopped waiting.
I did something about it.
Now I am waiting to see if it'll pan out.

I know that
waiting isn't enough.

I could wait my whole life
for nothing.

Or work towards achieving
everything.

Tonight,
I want to believe that
anything is possible.

I want you to hold my hand
and tell me that
everything will be okay.

And I will believe you.
Because I have to.

Sometimes the people
who you want to talk to the most
don't understand.

So you sit on the phone in silence,
and try to convey how you feel.

And you say,
'Good night Ma,
I love you.'

Sometimes, silence is enough.
It has to be.

Tonight,
I will be silent.

And you will pretend to know how I feel.

Don't try to fill the silence.
Just listen
and hear what I am not telling you.

And try to understand.

Gimmel Tamuz

Excerpt from the editor of Chabad.org:

Dear readers,

This coming Shabbat marks 18 years since the passing of the Rebbe, Rabbi Menachem Mendel Schneerson, of sainted memory.

Shortly after the passing of his father-in-law, the sixth Rebbe, the Rebbe remarked, "The sun is always shining. Even when it is night on one half of the globe, there is sunshine on the other. And even where it is dark, the brightness is present through the stars.

"In the same way," the Rebbe concluded, "my saintly father-in-law is still present and radiant through the stars: the Jewish people."

Throughout the decades of his leadership, the Rebbe touched the lives of many thousands. He taught, advised, encouraged, and brought meaning to people's lives. He loved everyone. He celebrated with them and mourned with them.

The Rebbe still continues to touch lives—but this time it is through us. Whether we actually met the Rebbe, corresponded with him, or even learned his teachings, it is our duty to become the "stars" that convey the love that the Rebbe radiated.

Rabbi Mendy Kaminker,

on behalf of the Chabad.org Editorial Team

I went to the ohel Tuesday night to daven at the Rebbe's kever. A secular woman, obviously unsure of what to do, turned to a frum woman and said "What are the rules here?". To which the religious woman replied, "There are no rules."

It brings us merit to daven at the graves of any tzaddikim, especially great Rabbeim. The Lubavitcher Rebbe holds a dear place in my heart. I see so many different types of people at his kever, I find it such a beautiful thing to see who comes there. People who are obviously not religious, people from different chassidic sects, some people who may not even be Jewish. They come because they recognize what a great and special leader the Rebbe was.

I feel his presence in my life every day, to which I am grateful. This is a beautiful article to read.

And a post I wrote 3 years ago.

Wishing everyone a spiritual and meaningful Gimmel Tamuz.

Truth, or...?

Trying to breath
through the smog.
Can't see,
glasses fogged.

Just a hole,
a little light.
Gotta get out,
have to make this right.

The cloud is thick.
It's closing in.
Stifling me.
Wearing me thin.

And it doesn't stop.
It's sucking out the air.
No where to go,
once it gets here.

Trying to sort the truths
from all the lies.
Who are my enemies.
And who are my allies.

Messing with my head,
it freaks me out.
Please just stop!
I want to shout.

Because when the people
who are supposed to protect you
turn on you,
then what do you have left?

A thick cloud of smog,
a bunch of lies,
and a whole lot of questions.

Is any of this real?
Who can you believe?

When they mess with your head
and you are unsure who to believe-
you trust absolutely no one.

But yourself.

I just want to say goodbye

I hate goodbyes. I hate endings. I hate moving on from situations that I have been in for awhile. Be it school, camp, jobs. Goodbyes make me cry. They make me sad. Even if sometimes they are for the best. You are moving on to bigger and better things. New beginnings. More opportunities. But I still find it hard and wish I didn't have to go through it.

Be that as it may, goodbyes are a part of life. We can't stay in the same place forever, so often we will find ourselves having to let go and move on. It is not always easy.

Why do we have such a hard time letting go? When it's time to leave and say goodbye, do you hold on just a tiny bit longer?

When I was 12 I went to overnight camp. I had a sucky great time. At the end of the summer, I had to say my goodbyes. I came home after being away for 2 months. My house felt different and weird. I hadn't seen my family in awhile. So I sang the goodbye song that we sang at the end of camp, and I cried. Because I missed it. I missed the friends I made, the experience. And my family, they didn't understand. Because they weren't there with me.

The chorus of the song went like this:

"It's so hard to say goodbye.
No it's not easy to part.
Holding back the cries.
It's sure to break my heart.

Memories of days.
And everything we've done.
Deep down in my soul,
I am you, yes we are one."

It was hard for me to go away for high school. I cried every time I left home to go back to school. When I graduated high school, I didn't want to move on to seminary. When seminary was over, I didn't want to say goodbye to everything, the friends, the experience, Israel. But I did.

Since then, I haven't had that many goodbyes. I don't know if that's a good thing. Either I am not meeting many new people, or I am managing to keep people in my life.

Would it be easier if we never say goodbye?

There's a saying, "Chassidim dagenin zich nisht"- Chassidim never part. Because we are always one, we are always united.

"I'll never say goodbye.
Chassidim dagenin zich nisht,
we will never part.
Farbrenging side by side
we are joined as one heart.

Every memory,
has made a change in me.
Now I must bring it to reality."

Ask a child who's parent snuck off in middle of the night and never came back. Or a child who lost a parent suddenly. They never got a chance to say goodbye.

Goodbyes are not always easy. But they bring closure. It is an ending. It's over. You say your goodbyes, and now you can move on.

Just writing about it makes me sad. I think about all the people I left behind, all the years that are gone. I wonder and I hope that it has all stuck with me, and contributed to who I am today.

I wish we didn't have to go through the pain of saying goodbyes in order to become the people that we are meant to be.

But that is life.

When someone is in your life for a REASON,

it is usually to meet a need you have expressed.

They have come to assist you through a difficulty;

to provide you with guidance and support;

to aid you physically, emotionally or spiritually.

They may seem like a godsend, and they are.

They are there for the reason you need them to be.

Then, without any wrongdoing on your part or at an inconvenient time,

this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end.

Sometimes they die. Sometimes they walk away.

Sometimes they act up and force you to take a stand.

What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled; their work is done.

The prayer you sent up has been answered and now it is time to move on.

So goodbye, to all those that I have left behind. The good, the bad, and the unmemorable.

Insanity

"The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results." (Attributed to Albert Einstein, Benjamin Franklin, Mark Twain, Narcotics Anonymous, and Rita Mae Brown, depending on who you ask.)

Ever do that thing where you open the fridge 5 times in a row, thinking maybe this time there will be something new in there that you haven't seen yet? Only there isn't, since you already saw it all. The only difference is, the more time passes the more desperate you get, willing to eat something you would not have touched before.

Why do we do the same thing over and over again? Is it because we do not believe we will get the same outcome? Do we honestly think something new will come out of it?

I know someone who applied to law school 3 times until she got accepted. And someone else who failed their driving test 3 times before she passed. So what is it that makes us keep coming back time after time after we fail every time?

Is it determination? Is it the desire to succeed despite all indicators pointing to obvious failure?

In certain situations, like trying to move a really heavy object, we try and try again because we know the end result is possible, we just need to put in a lot of effort. The object itself has the ability to be moved, it just depends on us. So pushing it numerous times can only help us reach our goal.

But something like opening up the fridge again and again knowing that the items inside have not changed in that short time, is that not crazy?

Personally, I have a problem with failure. It doesn't take a lot for me to give up and say oh well it didn't work. At least I tried. But have I? When can you truly say that you have tried, that you have put in all the effort you could, and that you are done? Are we ever done? Do we ever get to stop trying?

Insanity may be doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results, but what if we knew that one of those times we would be successful, we just didn't know which time it would be? Would we give up then, knowing that a successful outcome is guaranteed, so long as we never give up trying?

"If at first you don't succeed, try, try again."

We can't ever really know what difference our efforts make. In that case, never stop trying.

Even if that makes us all insane.

AnONyMous

You see me,
but you don't see me.

You look at me.
You wonder about me.

Do you know me?
We make eye contact.

I look away.
You don't know me.

You have never met me.
You have never seen me before.

You don't know my name.
You don't know who I am.

You don't know anything about me.
I'm anonymous.

You pass me by.
You don't look back.

You never met me.
You never will.

I am invisible to you.
Because I am AnONyMous.

What goes around comes around

It's the cycle of life, in many capacities. It's the same thing as 'Mida keneged mida' a measure for a measure. What you do to others will eventually come back to you, good or bad.

Do you believe in Karma?

kar·ma
[kahr-muh]
noun
1. Hinduism, Buddhism . action, seen as bringing upon oneself inevitable results, good or bad, either in this life or in a reincarnation: in Hinduism one of the means of reaching Brahman. Compare bhakti ( def. 1 ) , jnana.

2. Theosophy . the cosmic principle according to which each person is rewarded or punished in one incarnation according to that person's deeds in the previous incarnation.

It may not be a Jewish concept, but we believe in it too.

Think about it. You do something good for someone and something good happens to you unexpectedly.

The same with negative things. Unfortunately, I have noticed that we often get hurt in the exact same way that we hurt someone else. It is harsh, but it makes us realize what our actions really mean to someone.

Only G-d can judge us and punish us for the wrong things that we do. I don't believe it is up to us to decide that things that happen to us are a direct result of something bad that we did. However, we do have to be aware of how our actions affect someone else.

Here is a nice video I like that shows 'What goes around comes around' in a positive way:

How much money do I have?

$500 dollars more than yesterday!

Imagine my surprise when I got my daily available balance email from my bank and I have $500.00 in my account that I have no idea where it came from. Then I remembered.

Tax dollars! Yay for filing taxes!

I could go on a rant about why does the government steal my money, what do they want from me, I don't make a lot of money, I don't take anything from them so don't take anything from me, etc etc. But they gave some of it back, which is very honest indeed.

There is an episode from Friends where Phoebe gets upset at her bank because they deposited $500 dollars in her account by mistake. When she informed them about the error, they apologized and gave her $500 dollars MORE, thinking she meant that they owed her money. She kept saying this is bad, she can't keep the money, or it will mess everything up. Something about the Universe playing with her. So she gave the thousand dollars to a homeless woman. Then she found a thumb in a can of soda (weird.) She told the company, and they gave her $7,000 dollars. Most people would just take the money and not complain. Phoebe is not most people.

This is the first time I filed taxes, so it was a pleasant surprise to get money back. I think I will file more often! (Yes, I do realize that if I didn't pay taxes at all I wouldn't need to get some of my money back I would have all of it.)

Let's just say like this: if no one paid taxes, we would all be hauling our own garbage to the state dump. I have no idea where they bring the garbage.

Okay that's all I got. What else do our tax dollars do?

Would you please let me be in your yeshiva

To the tune of: "Would you please let me sing in the choir"

Would you please let me be in your yeshiva?
I would come even if it was in Geneva.
I just want to wear a kippa.
And daven at the bima.
Would you please let me be in your yeshiva?

My white shirt is kind of stained.
My family doesn't have a big name.
I believe we are all the same.
I will try not to complain.
Would you please let me be in your yeshiva?

I want to learn with a chavrusa.
I would love to learn Gemara.
Please teach me some Torah.
I will buy a black fedora.
Would you please let me be in your yeshiva?

I want to try the mikva dip.
Night seder I will not skip.
I won't make illegal trips.
Vodka I won't sip.
Would you please let me be in your yeshiva?

I don't have lots of money.
Yes I know that is not funny.
But please can't you see.
It is the perfect place for me.
Would you please let me be in your yeshiva?

The Yeshiva world always mystified me. What goes on behind closed doors? I have heard outrageous stories, of filling the mikva with foam, drowning dorm rooms in popcorn, physical fights, passing around illegal alcohol, stealing dorm counselor's glasses, getting a fine for not making your bed, and all kinds of crazy pranks. The way boys make it sound, yeshiva is like camp, 24/7. But what are they not telling me? What really goes on in a yeshiva?

I once joined a boys farbrengin. No, I did not dress up and pretend to be a guy. Although, I was a Rabbi once in a play, and my costume and beard was so convincing that when I walked into the audience before it started to say hi to my mother, women's heads turned, like what the heck is a rabbi doing at a girls play?

This particular farbrengin was an impromptu event on a motzei Shabbos. One of the sons of the family I lived by called up his mother and said prepare some food, half the yeshiva is coming over for a farbengin. Turns out a boy was leaving yeshiva, so they had a farbrengin to give him chizuk and remind him to behave properly wherever he was.

I sat in the other room and I listened, until 2 in the morning. The way they spoke to each other, the way they sang the same song over and over and over again. I have been to many girls farbrengins in high school. Most of the time we would rush through a niggun and someone would suggest a new one. But the boys looped around and around on the same song for awhile.

And the way they 'rebuked' each other. I have heard from people that if girls spoke to each other at farbrengins the same way guys did, everyone would be in tears. That may be true. If you want to rebuke a friend, it has to come from a place of love, with only their best interest at heart.

It is much a curiosity of something I don't know anything about and probably never will. Is yeshiva as fun as people make it out to be? As awful? What is it really all about?

A well-known rabbi lives upstairs from my apartment. Every Friday night, he has a farbrengin in his house. I always see tons of boys going in and out. Sometimes, when I get back from my meal late at night, I sit on the steps and listen to them sing. There is something so nice about hearing a whole bunch of boys singing niggunim together.

No, I will never be a boy. I will never go to yeshiva. I am sure I will hear lots more stories about it, some true, some exaggerated, some made up. It seems to be a rival thing. I'm sure boys are curious about what goes on in girls high schools too.

So I will sit on the stairs, and listen in, to that mysterious world that I will never be a part of.

And I thank G-d 'She'asani kirtzono'.

Recess- School's out!

Yesterday there were 2 different classes that got on the subway, presumably going on a class trip. I always loved end of the year trips. Who cares where we went, even boring museums, as long as we got time off from class.

Today I saw quite a few students on the train going to school later than usual. I realized they were holding notes and studying. I assume they get to go to school late if they are just taking finals.

I loved this time of year in school. When you can see the finish line, so close, the end almost near. The weather is gorgeous, the outdoors are beckoning, final grades are in, it is time to say goodbye to your friends, have a great summer and.... SCHOOL'S OUT!

Though I am really happy that I am not in school anymore, I am excited for these kids. Summer is usually something to look forward to.

Today I went home for Shabbos. A bus ride that should have take an hour and fifteen minutes took 4 hours. FOUR HOURS! I am thoroughly exhausted and looking forward to sleeping on Shabbos.

Hope everyone has a great Shabbos and enjoys this gorgeous weather!

Bluesy Blues

Sometimes I find myself feeling down for no reason at all. Life is fine. I have no real problems to speak of, B"H. But it's late, and it's dark out, my friends are away. What do you do when you find yourself feeling blue? What will snap you out of your melancholy mood?

Here are some do's and don'ts:

1) Candy is a great mood lifter. Or chocolate, or ice cream, or cookies. It is different for each person. But just remember, whatever you eat today will still be with you tomorrow. Calories make no exceptions for bad moods.

2) Friends are a great pick-me-up. If they are available. Hit someone up. Preferably someone who is fun and funny and you are guaranteed to laugh just by being around them.

3) Music. Something loud and beaty, you do not want sad slow songs to feed into your bad mood.

4) Funny show or movie. Preferably while eating popcorn. Everything seems better when eating popcorn.

5) Take a walk. Sit on a bench, observe the people around you. Enjoy the breeze. Go somewhere loud and filled with a lot of people. I like Times Square. It makes you feel like a part of something, and the hustle and bustle drowns out your bad mood.

Here are some things NOT to do when you are feeling down:

1) Do NOT drunk dial an ex, or any guy for that matter. This includes texting, emailing, or any form of communication. You WILL regret it later. Any guy you are thinking of calling, don't.

2) Do not lay in the dark listening to sad music and crying. Not worth it. Save your tears.

3) Do not eat yourself sick. Comfort food is okay in moderation, but not if it'll make you sick later.

4) Do not get drunk. Do not sing kareoke. Do not do anything stupid that you will regret later.

5) DO NOT WALLOW! That is the worst thing you can do in a bad mood. Do everything you can to pull yourself out of it, as fast as possible.

Unless there is a good reason for your bluesy mood, in which case FIX IT, usually the mood will pass quickly, as long as you don't dwell on it.

Remember: Tomorrow is a new day.

And 'This too shall pass.'

Enjoy your nutty chews.

Healing

They say time heals all wounds. I don't believe that. It is not true. There are some things that never heal. Maybe the pain subsides, but the wound will always be fresh. Ask a parent who lost a child if time really heals all wounds.

Did you ever have a tooth pulled? Or get a cavity filled? Or think back to a time when you got a bad burn, or a cut. You wake up every morning, and your mind automatically checks for pain, subconsciously. It's like sticking your tongue into a hole and wondering if the cavity is still there.

Sometimes the pain is strong, and sometimes it is just a blip on your radar. Sometimes you can't get through the day, you double over in pain every time you are reminded of your wound. And sometimes it is in the back of your mind, almost forgotten. Almost, but not quite.

And then one morning, you wake up. You do the mental check. You expect the pain. You brace yourself for it.

Nothing. There is no pain. It is gone. The wound is closed, it has healed.

It might come back once in awhile, in flashes. Moments, when you remember. But even that will fade.

One day you will wake up and not think about the pain at all. You won't expect it, you won't prepare for it. It won't be there and you will have forgotten it was ever there in the first place.

That is healing.

They say time heals all wounds. I say time heals some wounds, and the rest of them- we learn how to live with them, until they fade into the background, forgotten.

Exclusive

I don't like to share. My whole life I have been going against my nature, ever since I was taught as a toddler that it is a mitzvah to share and we love to do mitzvos (and even if we didn't, we MUST share cuz the teacher said so, so I didn't really have a choice in the matter.) It gets hard living with other people. Don't get me wrong- I love helping people out. I don't mind if people borrow my stuff. I even find myself saying, "Sure no problem, no need to ask!".

But there's that tiny voice that says 'mine!' and won't let go. It's like the little child inside of me that doesn't want to part with my possessions. I guess in Pirkei Avos I would fall into the category of 'Sheli sheli veshelach shelach'- what's mine is mine, and what's yours is yours. I won't take from you, and please don't take from me.

There is one area where it is okay to not share. Men. Or women. Ever heard of the term 'exclusive' in regards to a relationship? I find it ridiculous. It should be a given that if you are in a relationship with someone you are only with THEM and not with anyone else as the moment.

Scenario: Friends of a guy find out that his fiance was dating another guy while they were dating. They are scared to tell him but don't wanna ruin his life by keeping it from him. So they tell him. His response: "Oh I knew about that, don't worry we weren't exclusive then."

It is quite common in the secular world that when couples are dating, in the early stages, it is okay if they date other people at the same time. Until they have a talk and that magic word 'exclusive' comes into the picture.

"Do you want to be exclusive?"
"Yes!"

And just like that, they only date each other and not other people.

It doesn't make sense to me. Why would you want to date other people anyway if you are already with someone? It's one thing if you date someone, it doesn't work out, and the next night you date someone else. Maybe that's a bit quick, but at least you are not dating 2 or more people at one time.

Learning how to share is something one can work on. It is encouraged even. We can all learn to give a little more than we are comfortable with.

But in a relationship- there is no sharing. Anyone who tells you that it is normal is in denial. Nobody should have 2 people on their plate at the same time. It is not fair to anyone involved.

Disassociation

To sever the association of (oneself); separate:
An act or instance of dissociating.

How does one untangle themselves from someone who is clinging on? What do you say to someone whom you no longer want to speak to? Stop calling me? Stop texting me? Leave me alone?

What if they need help and they are turning to you? Do you have an obligation to help them if it will negatively impact you in the process?

How do you get away from someone whom you no longer wish to have contact with?

All the wrong places

"Pictures of you, pictures of me
Hung upon your wall for the world to see
Pictures of you, pictures of me
Remind us all of what we used to be"

I am very self-aware, which is not always a good thing. I have a need to stop and assess my actions all the time at every step of the way. I analyze myself, my surroundings, my choices, in every single situation. This does not always bring change, or good results. Sometimes it scares me to the point that I just stop and don't move forward.

I have a hard time making decisions. Even once I made a decision I go over it in my mind again and again to make sure it was the right one and that I am not 'missing out' by passing up the other choice. Most times it doesn't even make sense to rethink it. Like when I decided to fly instead of taking the bus. The flight was quicker but the bus was cheaper. Even after I paid and was on my way I was still looping around in my head, which one would have been better to choose.

They say hindsight is 20/20. Or "In retrospect, I should have seen it coming." Sometimes we make bad decisions and we only realize much later how it affected us. Sometimes we realize the repercussions right away. And sometimes we never actually see the mistake.

It is a blessing to be able to actually realize ones faults. To be able to pick out your mistakes and understand why they were wrong and see how you could have done it differently.

I recently saw someone from my past. They were right in front of me. They looked right past me. They didn't recognize me. That made me very happy.

They were a mistake. It was a mistake. We make mistakes. But the fact that I went unnoticed showed how far I have distanced myself from that situation.

There was a time I was looking in all the wrong places. It takes strength to pick yourself up and leave a bad situation. And it is rewarding when you can see that change in your life, and you can be proud of your efforts.

I always pray that G-d give me the strength to make the right choice. And that if I don't make the right choice, I will be able to fix it.

We can never forget our past, or the places that we've been. But they dull and fade away, like dusk turning into night. Or rather, the shadows of the night fading away into a brilliant sunlight.

And this new place- is smells like flowers, and sunshine, and the breeze in your hair. It is magnificent.

And it is mine, because I made it. If I could make it here- I could make it anywhere.

Israeli Army?

My little brother (18) has been saying for awhile that he is going to the Israeli Army. My family wasn't sure if we should believe him or not. He is one of those kids who is usually all talk. "I'm gonna build a flying car." "I'm gonna build a tree house." (Him and my father actually built a clubhouse on the ground which they never finished.) He has all these wild dreams, and lots of idiot friends. So we all shrugged and said, 'who knows?'

He is flying to Israel tomorrow. So he says. My mom says maybe he will get off the plane in Moscow. His plan is to rent an apartment in Jerusalem with some of his idiot friends for awhile until he can actually apply to the army.

I keep asking him what his plans are. He dodges my questions. I hope he has a plan. I hope he won't do anything stupid.

Just to cover all my bases, I bought him a mincha-maariv with a tehillim, and wrote in it 'Be Safe. Love Altie'.

Then I punched him a few times on his arm. Cuz how else do you say goodbye to an 18 year old boy?

If anyone sees a tall, kind of big teenager, red head with a beard in Israel, with an idiot expression on his face- tell him I say 'what's up'.

Airport lounges

I was recently privileged to spend 7 hours of my day in an airport lounge, due to a flight cancellation, and excessive delays. (Read: groan, why does this happen to me?).

The interesting thing about airport lounges is that so many diverse people come through it every day. They may stay for a short time, they may be there awhile, they may sleep there overnight. You end up having conversations with random strangers with whom you have nothing in common, and in any other situation would not have given a passing thought to. You get to people watch, browse in the shops, watch the planes take off and land.

After awhile, it starts feeling like home. Not a real home, but it has a familiar feel to it. When you are forced to use a public bathroom multiple times a day after drinking lots of water due to nausea, you pick a favorite stall. You walk into the same store a few times hoping something new will jump out at you. You run down the same corridor and speed walk on the moving walkway enough times, and it feels like your own living room.

I noticed the same guy cleaning up the lounge a few times. I guess they work in shifts. What amazes me is how tidy an airport is. Because thousands of people pass through there every day, they are forced to clean up constantly. Pick up trash, vacuum the carpet, clean the bathrooms. It is not just one person they are picking up after, but thousands every day.

A friend asked me if I think they get paid well. I have no idea. Being a janitor is not considered a good job in any culture. It is demeaning to pick up after other people. I would not want to do that in any capacity. But a job is a job.

So they go around with their vacuums and their cleaning carts and they pick up after lazy selfish people who do not clean up after themselves. Somehow, there is a mentality that it is okay to litter in a public place, as it is not your own home so 'who cares'? But if you spent considerable time there you might think differently.

I always wanted to work in an airport. There is such energy all the time. You can blend into the background and just observe, and there is always so much to see and hear and people to meet.

But somehow, curling up in a ball on the floor with your head on the chair as a pillow makes you wish you were anywhere but there. Perhaps at home, in your own bed, after a long shower to wash off the 'travel dust'.

No, I would not live in an airport lounge.

Eating pringles gets old real fast.

T.G.I.F.

TGIF
Acronym for "Thank God it's Friday". Used to express the joy one feels in knowing that the work week has officially ended and that they have two days off with which to enjoy. -Urban Dictionary

It doesn't feel like Friday. Probably because my week started on Wednesday. Usually by the end of the day on Mondays I am ready for my week to be over. But somehow today I still have energy for another few days.

Today is the first day of June! It feels so weird to say that. At work I have to type in the date a lot every day. It is so weird seeing 6/1/12. Yes indeed, it feels like summer outside. I need to buy an air conditioner for my room, it is starting to get hot.

I LOVE the summer! I don't like humidity, but I like nice breezy warm weather, the beach, smooth sand between my toes stockings, the smell of greenery, the sound of the ice cream truck, children giggling, daylight until late at night. It is just such a relaxed feeling. Even though I will be working and my life won't be broken up by summer vacation, I am looking forward to summer and all the good times that it brings.

Wishing everyone a beautiful Shabbos, with great weather and even better company.

Cheers!

Weddings

Beautiful
White gown.
Radiant smile.

Music
So loud.
Gyrating, infectious.

Chocolate fountain.
To look,
But not to touch.

Feet moving.
Just move
With the flow.

A quick hug
And a Mazal Tov
To let her know.

You are happy.
Happiness flowing.
Feel it in the air.

Someone's perfume
lingers on me.
So many hugs.

So many people
So much noise.
I need air.

I need to leave.
Just a quick Mazal Tov
Turned into an hour.

The street
Is so quiet.
My ears are ringing.

My feet are moving.
I am walking.
Home is getting closer.

The music
Behind me
Is still going on.

My room
Is so small
And lonely.

It is too quiet
And empty
After the wedding crowd.

I can't help feeling
The teeniest bit envious
And alone.

Someone is
Starting a new life tonight
With her partner.

And I,
What of I?
Just me.

And the smell of
Someone else's
Perfume.

My life plan

I don't have one. That is the problem. I. Don't. Have. A. Plan.

They say that preparation is everything. If you are prepared, you know what to expect. There are wedding planners, birth planners, building planners, disaster plans.

You want to build a building? Draw up a blueprint.

Want to run a day camp? Create schedules.

Starting a business? You definitely need a carefully well thought-out plan first.

Preparation is important because you anticipate possible problems that may arise along the way, and you prepare possible solutions. You are prepared for what is to come, and you know what to expect. Not everything will go as planned, but at least you are not going in blind.

A friend of mine had a wedding book since she was 5 years old. She kept it under her bed, and added things to it along the way. It was a dream book of sorts. A plan. The dress she wanted. The flowers she liked. The kind of ring she wanted to wear. Yes, it is cute when kids think about these things so far in advance. But maybe it is helpful to have a plan.

I always thought the people who planned out their whole life from the day they were born were nuts. How can you plan that far in advance? I barely know what I am doing tomorrow, let alone in 10 years from now. I always took the 'chiller' way. Take things day by day. Don't worry, be happy, everything will work out fine.

And somehow it always did.

I applied and got accepted to high school a week before it started. Same with most of my summer jobs, they were all last minute. The seminary I was supposed to go to closed down a few months before it was supposed to start. I got accepted somewhere else. I applied to college a week before the semester started, not knowing what else to do.

My life has just sort of flown gently by. Everything worked out some way or another. Maybe not how I would have liked. Maybe in retrospect I would have made different decisions.

I would love to have a plan. When I will get married, and to whom. When I will have my first kid. How many kids I will have. What kind of house I will live in. How much money I will make. How successful I will be in my career.

I would love to be able to plan all this, and more. But what I have come to learn is, that planning ahead very often does not work, and results in much frustration when it does not work out. I think it is great if you have a plan.

But don't forget Who is the Ultimate Planner. Life will turn out ultimately how G-d has decided it will.

My plan is to do my best, and hope that our two plans coincide.

Hit me.

Friends

They laugh at you,
they feed you,
they hold your hand when you throw up.

They scream with you,
they share secrets with you,
they let you be yourself.

They jump with you,
they walk with you,
they keep you up at night.

They text you,
they call you,
they pick you up at odd hours.

They know you,
they accept you,
they protect you.

You forget that
they are people too.
Don't take advantage of your friends.

Even if
they offer you their last piece of food.

Even if
they offer to pay for you.

Even if
they give you everything they got.

Do not take.
To be a true friend is to give.

When you give all you've got-
that is when you have gained the most.

Friends.
They are the family that we choose.

It is crazy.
Throw them back in the pile and pick again.

And they are the same ones I would pick
to lounge around on a trampoline with.

Cuz they know me.
And still haven't left me.

Hold on to them.

Don't. Stop.

Sweat pouring down my face. Legs pumping, muscles aching, arms flailing. No relief from the hot sun. I see the top up ahead. Just a little bit more. Cm'on, you can do it. 97, 98, 99, 100. And...... downhill! Yes!

Yom Tov was all about walking and sweating. Besides for the other two favorite activities, eating and sleeping. The beautiful city of which I found myself a guest of is comprised of many many hills. To shul and back, leisure walk, all of them involved hills. Even if we start out going downhill, well what goes down- I suppose it must come back up again. Sometimes. Unless you can find a way to go downhill both ways?

My friends were exclaiming how astonishing it is that I can walk up a hill so fast, while they lag behind. What they don't get is, if I walked up the hill slowly, I would never make it. What drives me is the motivation, that the faster I do it the faster it'll be over with. Keep going, I see the top, power on, I know it is almost over. THAT is the only way I get up the hill so fast.

Otherwise, I would stop to rest and never continue on.

So it is with life.

As I cooled down from the sweat of a good workout, my legs crying out in pain, and enjoyed a cold shower after Yom Tov, I realized that one can really learn a lesson from everything.

I hope everyone had a great Yom Tov, and the blueberry cheesecake really was very good. Enjoy the leftovers!

No cheesecake for you

I didn't make any cheesecake this year. I have been making the same no bake triangular cheesecake every year since I was 12. Last year I tried 2 new ones. They were pretty good. Except my sister the 'professional chef' tried to upstage me.

But this year I went away for Shavuos, and was unable to make cheesecake. I watched someone else make a cheesecake. I will willingly try the batter, and I look forward to eating cheesecake.

But there is something about the process of toiling over a mixing bowl, putting physical energy into the making of the cheesecake that you don't get just by eating it. It tastes better from your own efforts.

I am not looking forward to a 3 days Yom Tov. I am spending it with friends, and it is sure to be a great time. I have books to read. But there is something about not using my phone or internet for 3 days that has me thinking I will go stir crazy. (InternetAholics Anonymous, anyone?)

What is this holiday about? I haven't been counting sefirah. It may feel more special if I was finishing the counting along with everyone else. It is not about cheesecake. It is not about sleep deprivation.

Remember Mount Sinai. That is what it is about. Remember. G-d gave us the Torah. Remember. We accepted it wholeheartedly. Remember. We promised 'Naaseh Venishma', we will do and we will hear. Remember. We crowned Hashem as our one and only king. Remember. You were there. I was there. We were all there. 6 million Jews strong.

We are still here. We will never leave. We will never be destroyed. When you stay up the whole night on Shavuos learning, remember what we are here for, why we are still here. Because we have a mission, to bring Moshiach. And we are not finished yet.

Enjoy your cheesecake. Enjoy your holiday. Enjoy your family time, your time to relax, your time away from technology, your time to disconnect and reconnect to what matters.

Remember Mount Sinai. Never forget.

Enough with the Chocolate Chips

What is so great about Trader Joe's Chocolate Chips? (Don't stone me! Okay if you have to stone me, at least do it with chocolate chips.)

I don't see what the uproar is about. Maybe my pallet isn't sophisticated enough to appreciate the seemingly 'amazing' taste of these rare chocolate chips.

It is also funny how insignificant something is until it becomes extinct. Then, you must have it! Even if it meant nothing to you before.

It is now so extinct, that it is being sold on the black market.

Being auctioned off as prizes.

And people are bemoaning the fate of the Chocolate Chip.

The way they are talking about it you'd think it was a rare commodity, like diamonds, or a necessity, like water.

Please everyone, it is just chocolate chips. You WILL survive without them. You WILL live to see another day once there are no more Kosher Parev Trader Joe's chocolate chips anywhere to be found.

So please, stop mourning, pick yourself up, and carry on.

There are worse things to be worrying about.

Like the earth quake in Italy, and the destruction of 400,000 wheels and 3 million dollars worth of Parmesan cheese. With Shavuos coming up, THAT is something to worry about.

I'm not a girl

Exterminator: "Have you seen any mice around here?"

Co-worker "Nope."

Exterminator: (Pointing to me) "She would tell me if there was a mouse."

Oh really? Why? Because I'm a girl? Does that make me scared of mice? Does that mean I would shriek? Don't stereotype me like that. I may be a female, but that doesn't mean I swoon at the sight of blood, fall apart when I get a flat tire, shriek when I see a mouse, or any of the other misconstrued stereotypes about women.

One thing I am not- weak. I'm not weak.

And I am not scared of mice.

(Dancing around in the kitchen- "Oh my G-d, it's a bug, it's a bugggggggggg, kill it kill it killitkillitkillit!!!!!!!")

Resting weight

A friend of mine recently joined Weight Watchers. "Because it works." She said that she lost a lot of weight the first two weeks and then- nothing. She was disappointed. I explained to her the concept of resting weight. Once your body reaches a certain plateau, it stops to rest. It says, okay, we've gone far enough, let's stop now. And in order to get it moving again, you have to double your efforts.

Most people's body weight fluctuates constantly, depending on many factors. There is usually a certain number that the weight will return to, because that is what your body knows. In order to lose weight and keep it off, one must reprogram their body to know a different number. As with everything in life, it is hard work.

Life happens. Sometimes it is great. Sometimes it goes exactly according to our plan. And then it slows down. It lags, kind of drags its feet and says, na, I don't feel like going steady anymore. Let's take a break.

How much effort do you put into your life to ensure that you are always going up? Resting is not good. It is stagnant. No one wants to live their life that way. If you are not going up, generally you are going down. When you say, I'll just take a short break and try again when I'm ready, we come to realize that there are no breaks in life. Either you live it, or it just happens to you.

I take the local subway to work, because the express train doesn't stop at the stop where I get off. But going home I can take the local and switch to the express train at another stop which would make the ride shorter. One time, I was sitting on the local train, totally exhausted, when the express train stopped right across the platform. Some people ran to catch it. In the few seconds I could have got up to switch I thought, I'm so tired, and what's a few extra stops on the local train. So I get home a little later, so what?

What if that were a major opportunity in life calling? What if that were my dream job and all I had to do was run to get it?

Sometimes your life slows down. It is not so exciting, because nothing exciting is happening to you. Does that mean you will just let it happen? Or will you decide what you want out of life, and make it happen?

You can rest for a bit. But remember that you are the boss, and if you want it, you have to work hard for it. No one ever got anything good in life without hard work. And if they told you thy did- usually they are lying. Or it's a scam.

Believe in me

I know that
you believe in me
as you've told me
many times before.

I love that
you believe in me.
And not just you,
but many more.

They tell me
how good I am
at what I do
every day.

They tell me
I have talent
that I'll go far,
I'll find a way.

I hear it.
I listen.
To their words,
and nod my head.

I want to
believe them
I want to
get ahead.

The problem is
that sometimes
I
don't
believe
in
ME.

Excuse me sir, but- you smell

He had 2 whole subway benches to himself. Not because he was really big, but because he smelled really bad. He had what looked like all his worldly possessions with him, in bags and suitcases. No one sat near him. They opted to move across the car to get away from the stench of unwashed human flesh.

I sat across from him. Because I thought it was mean to avoid him. Because I didn't know whether or not he noticed people moving away, but I didn't want to make a statement. I breathed through my mouth the whole ride.

I wondered, does he know that he smells? Does he realize that people are purposely avoiding him? Or is he so used to the smell that he doesn't notice it at all?

One summer, as a camp trip we took the kids to the local police station. They got a tour, were told what a police officer's job is and why it was so important, and got some fun souvenirs. At the end, they were shown a video about bullying, to try and help kids be aware of it.

I tried to figure out who the video was being directed at- the bully, or the weak kid he was picking on. The victim knows who he is. He is the one that goes home every day in tears because some mean kid stole his food, beat him up, or harassed him in some way.

But the bully- does he know that people tag him as a bully? Does he know what other people think of him, does he stop and say 'Hmm, I am a bully, I should really do something about that'?

A person can't see his own flaws because he is subjective. He is too close to himself. He hides his own flaws from himself.

It takes an outsider, a good friend, a parent, a total stranger to say- "You know, you really smell" or, "You are a really mean person" for you to take a good hard look at yourself and make necessary changes.

But we also have defense mechanisms that prevent us from accepting advice or believing other people in regards to ourselves. We don't want to hear it. We know ourselves better. Indeed, who knows us better than we know ourselves?

That is our biggest mistake. Sometimes we have to admit that maybe we don't really know ourselves all that well. And that maybe, we need to ask someone else, someone objective and who has our best interest at heart, what we can do to improve our character.

Take a look around you. Are people giving you a wide berth because you smell? Do you know what your flaws are, or can you no longer smell them?

Forgiveness

Forgiving someone is the hardest thing to do, especially if they never apologized.

It is hard
to forget
and move on.

Some people say
forgetting is easy
but forgiveness takes a lifetime.

I hate feeling
bitter and angry
towards you.

I hate
being mad
at how you treated me.

I hate
holding on
to the past.

And waiting
for the future
to make it all better.

It won't
get better
on its own.

Until I learn
to let go
and to forgive you.

I don't want to.
I want to hear you apologize
for everything you did.

I want to tell you
exactly how you made me feel
and hear you say how sorry you are.

But you will never know.
And you probably won't ever
feel sorry for what you did.

I have to forgive
without your apology.
I have to forgive on my own.

I try. Every night I say
"I forgive all those who wronged me"
thinking bitterly of you.

Maybe by Yom Kippur
I will find it in my heart
to forgive.

But my life
will never be okay
until I let go of those feelings.

I can't say it.
Because I don't forgive you.
But I will try.

They say forgiving
is one of the hardest
things to do.

But I will find it in my heart
one day soon
to forgive you.

And finally move on.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO....

ME!

This Shabbos is my birthday. I love birthdays. And I hate birthdays. It is nice to have a day to celebrate the day that you were born. It is nice to get presents, have a party, treat yourself out, feel important and special.

But for me, birthdays are also a time of reflection. What have I done this past year? What have I accomplished? What are my goals for this coming year, what do I want to accomplish before my next birthday? I think everyone should take the time to assess where they are in life and where they are going at least once in awhile. Birthdays are a good time to do that.

I always had a problem with the passage of time, with feeling like I didn't use my time wisely, and wishing I could stay in the present and not move on. But G-d willing, this year will be THE YEAR for me, for all my goals, and for all good things to come true.

I would like to take this time to bless all of you. We are given a special power on our birthdays to give brachos to other people. I pray that everyone's cups will run over with blessing, physically and spiritually. May you all have clear direction in life, true happiness always, good health, and a good livelihood. Whoever wishes to find their soul mate, may you find them this year! Whoever needs a blessing for children, may you be celebrating a new birthday very soon. May G-d grant you all of your hearts desires for good, and may we all have clarity and the strength to always make the right decisions.

I wish everyone all the best, and I will have you in mind on my birthday. G-d willing, may we celebrate the coming of Moshiach very soon, before my next birthday!

Guilt

It is irrational to feel guilty for something that was out of our control. But we all do it. When someone dies and we say, if only I prayed harder for their recovery. Or when there is a car accident and we say, I should have left earlier/later/not gone at all. We have a need to absolve ourselves of our guilt. We go through every scenario in our heads of what could have been. What we could have done differently to prevent it from happening.

And the answer is nothing. If we truly believe that G-d and G-d alone runs the world, orchestrating every tiny little minute detail, from the position of a leaf on the ground, to the destruction of the Twin Towers, then our only answer is- there was nothing we could have done.

It is hard. Even when we acknowledge this. When a child admits their guilty feelings by saying "What if I had been better" we reassure them that whatever happened had nothing to do with them, and not because they think they behaved badly.

If someone has a downfall and we feel guilty because maybe in some recess of our hearts we were jealous of them and wished they didn't have such good fortune- we may blame ourselves in some way. What if we were happier for them. What if we didn't covet what they had. And now they have nothing.

We do not rejoice at their misfortune. And we feel empty inside.

And guilty. Because maybe we could have prevented it.

If only we had done things differently.

Thrown for a loop

There is a famous quote we all have heard many times:

“When life gives you lemons, make lemonade.” -Dale Carnegie

Here are some humorous versions of the quote that I like:

"When life hands you lemons make lemonade and find someone else who life handed vodka to, and have a party"

"When life gives you lemons just shut up and eat your damn lemons"

"If life gives you lemons, keep them, because, hey: Free Lemons! "

"If life hands you lemons, ask 'Where do you get all these lemons from?"

Things are going great. Life is fine. Everything is going the way it should. No complaints.

And then, out of the blue, something happens. It all turns sour. It rains on your sunny day.

What do you do?

It really all depends on what type of person you are, and how bad the situation is.

Do you

A) Abandon the problem because you can't deal with it.

B) Stick through it, try to find a solution, and say, G-d gave me this problem because I can handle it, so I will find a way to get through it.

C) Much like A, ignore the problem in the hopes that it will go away.

D) None of the above.

E) So many choices, which one should I choose?

(I always liked multiple choice questions.)

I greatly admire strength in a person. Mental strength, emotional endurance. Some people are just 'happy-go-lucky'. They are always happy and positive. I feel like poking them, like you do at a wax museum, to see if they are real.

Hello? Anyone in there? Do you ever have a bad day? Do you ever throw your hands up and say I give up? I wonder, are they happy because they work at it, or because they have nothing to be upset about?

I admire someone who falls and gets back up again. Someone who knows what suffering is and still keeps going strong.

My life is not all that complicated. I don't have much to complain about. But what happens when my little existence is disrupted? How would I react, how would I deal with it?

It is hard for me to see other people with problems that they do nothing about. When someone talks to me and tells me how hard their life is, what they are going through, etc, my first instinct is to help. To solve their problem for them.

Which is interesting, considering the stereotype is that guys are problem solvers and girls are good listeners. But I have a hard time listening. You can only whine to me so much before I say 'Get out of bed you lazy [blank] and do something about your life!"

Oh yes. I can solve world hunger. I can solve everyone elses problems- but my own.

Though we know this to be true that no one can really help you but yourself.

I do not cower in the face of adversity. I grit my teeth and say bring it, biatch.

When life throws you lemons- what will you do with them?

Affirmation

"If my words affirm you, then savor them for the moment; but if they cause you to distrust your own experience, spit them out."
-Hugh Prather

We all seek validation from other people occasionally.

"What do you think of my outfit?"

"Can you read over my essay and tell me what you think of it?"

"I really enjoyed this book, you should read it too. I hope you like it."

We want people to tell us that we are good enough, smart enough, pretty enough, skinny enough for them. EVERYONE seeks confirmation of their existence, even in small subconscious ways. Whether it be craving attention from a parent, or acceptance by ones peers.

It is okay to seek out the opinion of others, so long as it does not cloud our own opinion of ourselves. The problem arises when we put so much weight on the opinion of others that is crushes us. It causes us to doubt ourselves, to lose confidence in our own ability.

That is an unhealthy need for validation.

The only validation you need is your own. You need to believe you are good enough. You need to think you are beautiful. You need to trust your own intelligence and not doubt yourself.

It is not easy. We ask because we want to hear good things. Rarely do we want to know the truth. When I ask "What do you think of my cookies?" of course I want to see that person's face light up with enjoyment and tell me they are amazing. I don't want to hear that they are mediocre. (They ARE amazing btw, no question there.)

It is not easy to believe fully in oneself to the point that you don't need confirmation of that from another individual. What you have to say is, I like myself, I think I am great, but feel free to compliment me because that is always nice to hear.

And if you have anything negative to say, well- "I am rubber you are glue, your words bounce off of me and stick to you."

Everybody needs somebody sometime

Let's just say we don't. I don't need you. You don't need me. Nobody needs anybody anytime.

I always say, the world would be a much simpler place if we didn't co-exist. We could each live on our own little island, our individual universes. If we didn't need advice, company, help, support, and everything else that we receive from other human beings, life wouldn't be so complicated.

If you don't trust, you don't get hurt. If you don't ask, you don't run the risk of hearing no. If you don't try, you don't face failure.

There are days when I don't feel like talking to anybody. People get on my nerves. Each phone call means someone wants something from me. Each person I see means I must put a smile on my face and act as if I care to see them. It is so tedious.

I wonder, why did G-d throw us all together? WHY do we need people?

I would love to say that we don't need anybody besides ourselves. But even self-proclaimed lone wolves encounter the need for other human beings. We can't exist on our own. And we aren't meant to.

I heard a nice dvar Torah a few weeks ago, about the Metzora. (I'm writing this from memory and unfortunately my memory isn't the greatest. Bear with me.)

When a person gets Tzaraat, there are a few things they have to do: go outside of all three camps. Sit alone, not even with other metzorim. Whenever someone comes near he must call out 'Tamei, tamei!'. He has to cut off all his hair, even his eye brows. And only the Kohen can end his solitude by pronouncing him pure.

The reason is as follows: a person gets tzaraat because he spoke lashon harah about another person. The very act of speaking lashon harah is saying, "there is nothing wrong with me, but let me tell you everything that is wrong with this other person, because I am qualified to list all his faults." They are essentially saying, I don't need anybody, I am above everyone else.

So they have to leave the camp. And sit in solitude. If you thought you didn't need anyone then, now you are really alone.

They have to scream out tamei. They have to let everyone know that they are tamei. They highlighted the faults of everyone else, so now they must let everyone know what is wrong with them.

They have to cut off all their hair. Their eyebrows too, because they looked where they shouldn't have, their eyes saw faults they shouldn't see.

And the only way the metzora can become pure again is when they kohen comes and proclaims him as pure. This is the very essence of "I can't do it alone. I need someone else. I need your help."

I have a hard time asking for help. I grew up with a mother who was constantly doing favors for other people, and never took anything from anyone. We are proud people, or maybe just stupid. But I would rather get lost than ask for directions, figure something out myself than ask for advice.

It is hard being an independent person in a world where we must trust other people and admit that we need them. It is hard to ask for help, but if you don't, you may never get the help that you need.

"Everybody needs somebody sometimes. Everybody needs a friend or two." Whether you are a little child making friends for the first time, or an old person rediscovering the world.

I need you. Because a world with just myself would get kind of boring.

Even if I am great company.

When the collectors got my cell phone number

I give tzedakah when I can. I choose which organizations to give to, ones that have significant meaning to me. As do everyone else. If I had all the money in the world, maybe I would give everyone who asked for charity. But alas, I don't. So I give a donation here and there, before holidays, when I feel the need to create a keli for brachos. I may not be the most generous giver, but I would not consider myself stingy.

The other day I gave a guy a granola bar on the train. They strike me as honest when they say, "whatever you can spare, I'll take food too." What can they do with food besides eat it? Certainly not sell it for drug money. Besides, I figured he needed it more than I did.

I try to give the people who ask for money before Shabbos, though there are many of them. If I don't have what to give, I feel bad. On Purim I made sure to have a whole bunch of singles with me so I could give everyone I saw.

I say all this not to promote myself, not to excuse myself, but to say that I am no better or worse than anyone else. But I like my personal space.

Which is why I was very irked to get a phone call on my cell phone asking for a donation.

I don't know how they got my number. But they must have thought it was a house they were calling, because they said "Mrs. So-and-so?" Now, that would be my mother. But I said yes, thinking the person might be confused. I always answer my cell phone, even if it is an unfamiliar number, since it might be important.

The lady went on to ask me to donate to Chai Lifeline, 'to help a sick child.' I've donated to Chai Lifeline before. Online. I get emails from them periodically. I know they exist. I know this lady was just doing her job. But unfortunately, there are many sick kids. There are many poor families with hungry children. There are many poor brides in Israel with no money for their wedding. There are so many people in this world who are in need. Are there not enough people who have what to give? How do you choose? If you can't give everyone.

I always thought the way the world was made up is slightly skewed. What if G-d created us all equal, providing each us of with exactly what we needed. Then, there wouldn't be rich people or poor people, and no one would depend on anyone but themselves. I'm not suggesting, as 'Occupy Wall Street' people say, that the rich people should redistribute their wealth. I'm saying, G-d, in His infinite power, can do anything. He could give money to the poor so they are no longer in need.

So why are there so many poor people in the world?

One possible answer is, G-d created people with a need, and people with the ability to fulfill that need so that humans would interact. Help each other. If there was no need for other people, we would eventually all die out.

This started off as a rant against people calling me on my cell phone, when I am in a rush, and trying to push me into donating to their cause, since ultimately, their cause is the most important. At least according to them. I have no idea how they got my number. That bothers me the most.

But the problem is much deeper. And there is no solution. A guy on the subway was asking for money. I figured, if every person on the train took out a dollar and gave it to him, he would have enough money for food for a day.

People have, and people need. People give when and if they can. But the problem doesn't go away.

And this is just making me depressed. I think I will enter a beauty pageant, so when I win I can say, "My only desire is for world peace, and to help starving children in Africa." It's the thought that counts. (If only the thought really did count.)

And I'm gonna change my number.

Strollers take over the world!

Happy Lag Ba'Omer! It would feel much more special if I were still counting, but alas, I am not. I missed the second night, and that was it.

Tomorrow is just another day at work. I miss Lag Ba'Omer as a kid. We would have a rally with all the kids schools, and if it was on a Sunday, a parade. Afterwards, there would be rides in the park for kids. My family made a barbecue every year on Lag Ba'Omer, without fail. It was tradition. My brothers would carve real bows out of branches. The weather was usually great, sometimes even hot. You could really feel the end of the year coming. And it was a lot of fun.

Tonight I went to a bonfire in the community. It was nice. The men danced, the ladies watched, some guy sang. People watched the fire. But it just seemed like nobody was really trying too hard. Oh, and there were strollers EVERYWHERE. Not just single strollers. Double. I think soon they will make triple strollers, quadruple. They will just take over the whole sidewalk.  

When I was in Seminary, Lag Ba'Omer was of course spent in Meron, after we had a bonfire with the seminary. I wrote a post about it here. It was such an Amazing experience! I really miss it. It is so hard to describe. You just have to be there.

I miss the carefree spirit of being a child, the fun of being a sem girl in Israel and bonding with your friends the whole night in Meron, doing crazy things, going crazy places, and creating memories. I miss it all.

It is raining. I am working tomorrow. It is a rainy work-filled boring grown up Lag Ba'Omer. Nothing seems fun anymore as an adult. It just seems to be missing something.

But it is Lag Ba'Omer. It is a happy occasion. We celebrate. We dance. We listen to music. We have weddings. Yes, it is a joyful day.

So happy Lag ba'Omer everyone. I hope you enjoy your parties, your bonfires, your music, your simchas, and take a moment to remember what we are really celebrating. Ahavas Yisroel. Love your fellow Jew. Do a mitzvah. Anything.

Take the warmth from the fire and spread it around.

Have a joyous Lag Ba'Omer!

What if that was him?

It is the weirdest feeling to meet someone, and wonder if he is the guy I'm going to marry.

And then he walks away.

What if that was him?

I remind myself that if it was him then I will meet him again at the right time that G-d intended.

Then I remember that he borrowed my phone. Call the number and ask that person who the guy is that called them? Stalkerish much?

If it was him, then I am being proactive. It does say that one must do their part. Although I'm not sure stalking is what G-d had in mind. And, not everyone understands the art of stalking. They might take it the wrong way.

If it was not him, then I did someone a favor. That is good enough for today.

Update: I'm pretty sure I now know his name. Maybe I am better at stalking sleuthing than I thought.

The smell of rain

 I take no credit for the photo

I love the

smell

of rain

as it hits the ground.

I don't know if

rain

even has

a smell.

Or if it is the concrete

that gives off

a smell

when it gets wet.

Three boys stand

huddled together

underneath one umbrella

out of the rain.

I have no need

for an umbrella.

Let nature

take its course.

I love the feel

of rain

on my skin

on my face.

It feels so free.

It leaves spots

on my glasses

and I can't see.

I love the wind

howling around me.

Whipping my hair

back and forth.

I love being outside

in a rain storm.

I feel as if I

am a part of nature.

I can smell the rain

inside my room

far from the storm

outside.

I can smell it

anytime.

It is not a smell

you forget.

I can't wait

for the rain

to come again

and pelt me with its drops.

I will stand outside

and take

what it gives.

And feel alive.

Breath it in.

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass. It's about learning to dance in the rain."

When creepy stalker guy opened the door

He was really my landlord. Not a stalker. But just as creepy. And scared the [blank] out of me.

I bought a new pair of tweezers. Because I lost my old ones. And then threw it in the garbage. By accident. Because I bought a new wall plug in freshener. Because I really needed one. Because it was cool. Because I had to have it. And it doesn't work that well. But I was so excited to try it out so I opened it right away. And then like a good humanitarian, I threw out the packaging. Except in the garbage, not the recycling. I'm not even sure if I have to recycle plastic. Or cardboard stuck to plastic. Maybe I am not as pro-Earth as I thought. Seriously, I can't smell the air freshener plug-in thingy. What a waste of three dollars.

So I suppose I threw out my tweezers with the garbage. Which went in the garbage not the recycling. I only realized later when I wanted to use them. Somehow I remembered the previous incident with the plastic and destroying the planet. Shame on me.

Someone had already changed the garbage. And taken it out. Which is totally unusual for my apartment. Usually it gets changed when someone walks in in a huff and says "Guys, we really should change the garbage more often." Which is code words for "Why am I the only one who ever notices that the garbage needs to be changed, you lazy good for nothing room mates, change your own damn garbage." And I would have changed it. Later, Like, when it was full. Our garbage never gets a chance to be full since someone usually huffs and changes it before it does. But they don't take it out. They leave it sitting by the door until someone figures, hey I should maybe take the garbage with me on the way out of the house. Which is usually the same person who changes it. Cuz again, I would have done it. Later.

So now the garbage bag is outside. WITH my new tweezers inside of it! They cost me three dollars. But so what, what if they were magical tweezers and I never got to use them? So I have to go out and get them. Now. At 12 midnight. In my pajamas. With flip flops and a sweater and skirt over said pajamas.

I brave the dark night, and the alley cats, (for another post) and went outside. Took my phone just in case. (Which is code word for in case I get eaten by cats and they need to identify my body.) But I didn't take my keys. Instead I opened the door, turned the lock and then let the door close, and the lock prevented it from closing all the way. Only I let the door slam. And anyone who was listening could hear that the door didn't close all the way. And someone was clearly listening.

I walked cautiously towards the garbage, avoiding the cats. Then deciding it would look weird to anyone passing by on the street seeing me standing there rifling through the garbage bag, they would probably assume I'm homeless and looking for scraps of food, which would be dumb since I threw out those scraps of food, but they didn't know that. So I took the bag with me and decided to do the rifling closer to my door.

When I got to the door and prepared to open the bag to look for my three dollar pair of tweezers, it suddenly opened, and I came face to face with the serial killer who was holding a knife ready to kill me. (Which is code word for my landlord. With no knife. Not certain on the killing part.) I said "Oh my G-d!". And he jumped. In explanation, he said, "I thought I didn't hear the door close all the way." Duh. I left it like that. On purpose. So I could get back inside. Clearly, he was trying to lock me out so the cats could eat my body. And why was he listening at the door anyway?

Then I told him thank you, I would close the door after I was done sifting through the garbage. Only, I left out the garbage part. Some things are best not shared with your landlord at 12 am when you are standing outside in your pajamas.

There was a slug on the bag. I did not squeal. I ripped it open, put on gloves, and voila. Found my tweezers. I'm not crazy. At least I remembered them before it was too late.

I put the garbage in a new garbage bag, and quickly deposited it outside. Avoiding the cats who were eying my body hungrily.

Moral of the story: don't buy three dollar tweezers. They are clearly not worth the trouble of having to dig them from the garbage.

P.S. I found my old tweezers. After the garbage incident.

Why get high...

On cold medicine, when there are much better substances out there to get high on?

I am not encouraging you to seek the euphoric high that drugs bring. I wouldn't even know such things. Say no to drugs. Don't drink and drive. Stay in school. And all that stuff.

When I purchased cold medicine, (because I had a cold, what else) they asked me for my date of birth. To make sure I was over 21. (Or maybe 18.) So that I could legally buy cold medicine. Because then, if I wanted to use it to get high, it's on my own time.

That doesn't make sense.

I don't even like cold medicine. It tastes yucky. Yes I did just say yucky. It tastes like fennel. Which tastes like black licorice. Incidentally, I hate both. Fennel and black licorice. And cold medicine. Which is green. And yucky.

So I would not use cold medicine to get high. And thank G-d my cold is almost all gone.

Any underage hoodlums wanna buy my yucky cold medicine off of me? Gently used. I hear you can get high.

Enjoy.

My BIG happy family

Ever since I was little, there were always strangers coming and going in my house. Not in a "Who's that creepy guy hanging around the house" kind of way. (Although there were some of those.)We always had guests staying at our house. Mostly misfits and weirdos, for lack of a better word.

My mother was a weirdo magnet. She admits it. She says that if she could, she would have a big house and open it to all the homeless people to stay there. Now, I can laugh about it and see the humor in it. Before, not so much.

There was the guy who slept in his car. We're not sure why. The lady who was engaged a few times, then claimed she was pregnant with twins even though she wasn't married. Turns out she wasn't pregnant either.

There was the weird creepy guy who kicked the kids out because he wanted peace and quiet. There was the girl who had a nervous breakdown, then went off her meds insisting she was fine without them. Incidentally, she wasn't.

I can go on and on. We have so many stories of weird people that came into our lives because of my mother. It got annoying. After a while, it didn't feel like 'hachnasas orchim' as much as 'All weirdos please come and eat.'

My mother says she got much better about it. Now we leave the weirdos outside the house.

My mother has this other problem. She likes to do favors for people, and she has a hard time saying no. She is constantly doing things for other people. And then they stick on like glue and don't let go.

Oh, I am trying to find something good in all this. My mother is a great person. She is funny, she is kind, she gives everything of herself to other people. Sometimes too much.

What I learned from her was, help people, but to an extent. Not if it will take away from you and your family. There is selflessness, and then there is 'Please take everything I have and use me until I have nothing left for myself.'

So back to the weirdos. I stopped caring. Now I just roll my eyes and try to find it funny when I hear about another "member" of my family.

I saw my mother today. We had a great time. She bought me lunch, ice cream, offered to buy me dinner, (I already had food prepared). She just gives and gives. We sat and talked till she had to go.

There's this childish part of me that resents her for all that she does for other people. She is my mother. Not yours. Get your own.

But when I need her, she is there.

And maybe, just maybe, she has enough love to go around.

And maybe, one day I can be like her in some small way.

Minus the weirdos.

I need a Hero

I need a hero
I’m holding out for a hero ‘til the end of the night
He’s gotta be strong
And he’s gotta be fast
And he’s gotta be fresh from the fight

I need a hero
I’m holding out for a hero ‘til the morning light
He’s gotta be sure
And it’s gotta be soon
And he’s gotta be larger than life

They ask me what I'm looking for. I think about. What should I tell them? What is the most important qualities to be found in a person?

Do I want a rich man? But money comes and goes. It is but a small part of life.

Should I marry for looks? Looks can be deceiving, and the most handsome man may very well be the most shallow.

Career? Doctor, lawyer, politician? Does it matter? A man should do what makes him happy, not what society dictates as an esteemed career.

Red hair, or brown. Curly, or straight. Tall, short, in between. Blue eyes, or green. Colored shirts, or white. Dress pants, or jeans. Learning boy, or working. Does any of that really matter?

The answer is yes. Yes, and no.

In the scheme of life, nothing really matter. Specifics, don't matter. They don't. You learn that. You meet someone, they may seem great on paper. You can check off all the little boxes on your checklist. Maybe he gets a really high score.

And then, he is not for you. Why? Doesn't matter. Many different reasons. Which add up to one thing: G-d knows best. Not you. G-d.

What are you really looking for in a person?

"Rabban Yochanan ben Zakkai said to them: Go and see which is the good a man shall cherish most. Rabbi Eliezer said, a good eye. Rabbi Joshua said, a good companion. Rabbi Yosi said, a good neighbor. Rabbi Shimon said, foresight. Rabbi Elazar said, a good heart. He said to them: I prefer the words of Elazar ben Arach to your words, for in his words yours are included."

A good heart. And everything follows.

That is what is important in life. A good heart.

As Rabbi Akiva said, Veahavta leraiacha kamocha zeh klal Gadol baTorah.

When they ask me what I'm looking for I'll tell them the truth- I need a hero. With a good heart.

I trust that the rest will fall into place.

Why I should never be allowed to take out library books ever again

I am not responsible. It's true. I'm not. Never ask me to do a favor for you.

What if you asked me to watch your dog? Considering I like dogs and am not afraid of them like most religious people. (Yes that is a generalization, but if you are Frum, living in Brooklyn, and between the ages of 5 and infinity, you might be afraid of dogs.)

I'm not afraid of dogs. I like dogs. Ones that are friendly, not the kind that growl at you and try to bite off your hand if you get too close.

I like puppies. And Golden Retrievers. Pretty dogs, that look friendly. Not ones that have sharp teeth and look like watch dogs. Like German Shepherds, pitbulls.

So you asked me to watch your dog. For three days. And I forgot to feed it. And walk it. So it pooped all over the house. And starved. I'm sorry. Don't ask me to watch your dog. Also, dogs are dumb. If they were smart, they'd figure out how to feed and walk themselves.

I am responsible to myself. Sometimes. If it only matters to me, like putting away my laundry, then I do it on my own time. Which is whenever I want. Or never. Because I don't care, and I have only myself to answer to. Conversation with self:

"Altie, why didn't you put away your laundry?!"

"I was tired."

"Fair enough. Go to sleep. Do it tomorrow."

"Or never. Maybe I will never put my clean clothes away, and just wear them straight from the laundry bag until they are all dirty again, then do laundry. Good plan."

"Great idea."

So we have ascertained that I am not very responsible, so don't ask me to do you any favors, because you won't get much.

Which is why I had library books from last May, and only returned them finally in December. Roughly 7 months. Because I forgot. Because I moved, twice. Because the library is so far. Because the gate is closed after 6 so I can't get to the book drop.

Yes, I have many reasons.

I owed them $115.00. Yes you read that correctly. An over due fee of roughly 10 cents a day, (I think) added up to $115 dollars! So I did the noble thing- took the books and fled the country paid the fine.

I returned the books. They told me those books were marked as lost. I said, "Look, I found them!". Maybe they wouldn't have forced me to pay the fine once I returned them. Maybe I am too honest.

Then, I did what any normal person would do-  never took out another library book again took out another 3 books. Which as you guessed, are all now overdue. Only a few days, since this time I cleverly renewed them.

And I really intended to return them on time. I did. But the library is so far. I get home from work late. The gate is closed then and I can't put them in the book drop.

Hello, books. Enjoy your new home for the next 7 months.

There's no such thing as a happy ending

Disney lies. I should sue them.

The difference between movies and TV shows is that in a movie, they wrap everything up in a neat little bundle and tie it with a bow, all within 2 hours. Prince Charming and Cinderella meet, fall in love, and live happily ever after.

But that is just too boring for our advanced audience. There needs to be an element of struggle. Happiness is not acquired so easily.

So they throw in an obstacle. An evil Stepmother. A wicked witch. Something that will prevent these two love birds from being together.

And it works, for a little while. They amp it up, pull you into the struggle. You end up fighting for the lovers and against the evil that is determined to break them up. You root for them to end up together.

And because that is what you want, they do. They live happily ever after, and you can sit back with a dreamy sigh and wish that were you.

In tv shows, it works quite differently. There is no happily ever after. The writers of a show may bring two characters together. They may cross paths. You, the audience, sits at the edge of your seat, watching with bated breath. Will they? Won't they? That is the question.

Maybe they have an interaction. Maybe they even kiss. But the writers keep them just out of reach. Near hit. But not quite.

One of the protagonists is ready to profess their love for the other, and then suddenly something gets in the way. Or someone. And they are pulled farther apart, until you lose hope that they will ever end up together.

Until the next time, the next episode, the next season. They bump into each other again. They have a 'moment'. We think, maybe now, maybe he will tell her how he feels, maybe she will tell him how jealous she is that he is with someone else and she really wants to be with him.

But no. Because the writer has forever, or never, to bring them together. They enjoy the tease. They want to keep their audience engaged. Hoping. Waiting. For something that is likely to never happen.

Because let's face it: There is no Happily Ever After. At least not how cinema presents it. In real life, it takes time. Trust. Trial and error. It's a constant struggle.

I may not know much about love, but I would not want to live in a TV, pining over McDreamy, McSteamy, Mr. Right, the handsome guy in the next office, or the married Prince Charming. I want a real man.

So maybe I won't have a happily ever after. Maybe I will have a good day here, a good week there, and lots of wonderful little moments that make up the relationship that you chose and that you work on every day to make it one that you are worthy of and one which you both gain from.

Disney got it all wrong. There is no such thing as a happy ending.

Happily ever after? It should be "Happily Until Real Life Kicks In."

Try living in a Fairy Tale. Tell me how that works out for you.