Baking & Sibling Rivalry

Although I fall somewhere in the middle in my family, I never thought of myself as being overshadowed by my older siblings. Until I learned how to bake.

I have an older sister who went to culinary school, and is considered by all to be the resident baker and chef in my family. Which is all well and good, I freely admit that she makes good stuff. 

I enjoy baking too, mostly the enjoyment of having people sample and enjoy what I make. I don't think I'm very good at it. I like making simple easy recipes, with as few steps as possible. I like embellishing recipes and putting my own touch on it. I don't like being confined by rules, so I will usually never write down the changes I make, and most often will not be able to recreate it.

Once in awhile I will post pictures on Facebook of what I make. I get many comments oohing and aahing and asking me to send them some. (But they never ask for the recipe, they just want ready made goods.) 

My sister is a serial poster, she will post pictures almost every night of what she makes for dinner, every Friday what she cooks for Shabbos, and every time she bakes, believe me Facebook will hear about it.

So it should come as no surprise that when I posted the pictures below on Facebook, someone mistook them for my sister, and wanted to ask her to save some for them.

One Friday, she was busy so she asked me to make one of her cake recipes. I of course 'loosely' followed the recipe, which she didn't care for. I think it came out better than hers, if I do say so myself. 

They say too many cooks spoil the broth, but in this case, I think two chefs living in different states are pretty safe.

I just can't show up to her party with anything, or I'll never hear the end of it.

Suspended

Sometimes I feel like my life is on hold. Like everyone else has moved on, relationships, careers, families, babies, illnesses, but for me life has stood still for the last 6 months. It's perpetually summer here, I feel like I'm on vacation all the time. Like winter never happened.

I can't blame someone for being sick, for dodging my calls, for being too tired, too dizzy, too weak, or just not in the mood to talk to me. I should have been thrilled to hear that my mother is in remission, but selfishly all I could think was, when will things go back to normal? Why is she not calling me? Who am I supposed to talk to?

I met this interesting woman who told me all about the book she is writing, debunking medical myths. That taking vitamin D is a myth, all we really need is sunlight. She told me about crystal healing she does, using crystal light energy to heal the body. About how sickness begins in the mind, and we could cure ourselves. I sarcastically countered with, what about people with cancer, or who have diabetes? She claims she knows a way to cure them. She thinks western medicine is just a bunch of pharmaceutical companies trying to make money, that we can't find 'cures' for diseases such as cancer, because otherwise there would be no money in drugs.

I don't believe a lot of what she says, but that is not really my point. I do believe that our mind has the power to harm, or to heal. I know that when I am physically sick, most often I am feeling depressed or down. So which comes first?

 

There are times when my mind goes on a loop, when there are things, events, people that I can't get out of my head no matter how much I try to tell myself to forget. I always wonder, where is that magical portal, the one that transports you to a beautiful place that makes it all better, that heals the wounded and cures the sick, that takes away all pain, that allows our minds to rest? For me, it is not sleep, because my dreams are haunted by the thoughts which in the daytime I refused to allow myself to think. I wake up with a feeling that I can never escape it, no matter how hard I try.

It's not our hearts that feel. The heart is just a muscle. It is our brains that feel pain, joy, anger, jealousy, sadness. 

I finally got around to watching the movie Inside Out. Despite all my aversion to cartoons and Disney movies, I liked it. I liked the way it portrayed emotions, showing that it's okay to have a wide range of emotions, it's okay to feel. 

Sometimes I just wish I could shut it off.

It's not the world that's the problem

In this week's episode of Chicago Med (another spin-off of Chicago Fire), there is a mass shooting in a movie theater by a 17 year old gunman, and a high school teacher shoots the gunman thus saving a lot of people. Everyone hails the teacher as a hero and congratulates him on his quick thinking. He instantly goes from being a nobody to being an internet sensation, gaining 96,000 followers in one day.

As the episode progresses, the doctors realize that the only gunshot victim they treated was the 17 year old 'shooter', and the rest of the victims were simply victims of trampling. After investigating, the detectives find out that the shooter was no shooter at all, rather an idiot kid with a leaf blower pulling a prank. The teacher, swearing that he saw the kid holding a gun and that he heard gunshots, finds out that he shot an unarmed victim. Suddenly the internet turns on him and makes fun of him for shooting the kid. Feeling guilty, or humiliated, he ends up committing suicide by stepping in front of a car. His last message left behind on his phone is "It was an honest mistake."

The closing scene, in a bar between two doctor discussing the events of the day:

"Think he killed himself 'cause he felt guilty? Or because he was humiliated?"

"I don't know. I mean, does it really matter?"

"The time we live in, it's crazy."

"No. Look, The Crusades, the Mongol Conquest, World War I, World War II, that was crazy.
We're actually living in the most peaceful time in human history, but not that you'd know it. You know, every dumb, mean, stupid, vicious thing gets a light shown on it. The world would be a much better place, a much safer place if people'd just shut up."

A couple of days ago I woke up to the news that there was a 'terror attack' in the London Undergound. A guy pulled a knife, screamed 'This is for Syria" and stabbed 3 people before being subdued by the police. I wanted to go on a rant on Facebook, explaining why, in my opinion, this was no terror attack. France, that was a terror attack. Israel, they've known quite a few terror attacks. America, 9/11, San Bernardino, Boston bombing, all those were acts of terror. I wanted to laugh, in London a crazed man does not set off a bomb, does not pull a gun, he pulls a knife. By the time the police arrive the station is pretty much empty. It's like, so sorry mate, please, I want to cause some terror, please, so stand still while I stab you, please. (Phoebe, in The one With Ross's Wedding part II).

Of course, I hate controversy, especially anything political, so instead of posting my rant I turned over and went back to sleep. But I think the reason I felt so strongly about this is because, out of everything going on in the world right now, how can anyone call that a terror attack? Simply because the guy said it was for Syria? As one on-looker shouted, "You ain't no Muslim bruv". You don't represent Islam, or Syria. You are a crazy individual, and perhaps no one will ever know why you did what you did.

These aren't peaceful times, but perhaps it is true that the terror is simply broadcasted more widely than ever before, faster, instantaneously, you can watch an attack as it occurs in real time, the soldiers are taught to shoot and not to think first, assume that every shady character is a terrorist, it doesn't matter what the skin color is, because these days anyone can be a terrorist.

So what do you do? Do you live in fear? I thought, how weird for those 14 people who woke up in the morning, went to work and probably never even thought 'what if today is my last day on earth?' And then bam! They get shot and killed, and for what?

I can't explain it. I can't explain any of it, I can't explain the humor in a Facebook post that says, "I'm asking Santa for better presidential candidates", I can't explain why people spew hateful messages towards the current leadership, or why that leadership does not seem to be able to give the people what it needs right now, I can't explain why I get mad about the 'stop and frisk' rules in New York because I think it's racist, or why people call me a Liberal when they feel that the rise in crime is a direct result of the removal of that law.

The world is not the problem, the world has problems. People create problems, people create war, adversity, terror, hatred, racism. It all starts with man.

How can we combat that? How can we feel safe when the world feels like a terrifying place?

Here is a beautiful article I saw, addressing just that.

"15 things to do when the world feels terrifying".

Among the 15, here are my favorites:

6. Leave a copy of your favorite book in a public place.

Trust that the right person will find it.

10. Buy an extra box of tampons the next time you're out shopping.

Leave them in the ladies' room of your workplace for anyone to take. (If you're a dude and this weirds you out, talk to this 15-year-old kid about it).

*Author's note: I'm sure females can identify with this one. I was in the bathroom on campus one day, and I heard a voice from the stall next to me say, excuse me, do you have a tampon? I didn't, because I don't believe in tampons, but I was able to supply the anonymous voice with a pad (or "sanitary napkin"). It was a strangely elating feeling to be able to help out a stranger in a restroom, and I never even saw her face.

12. Go to a diner.

Order a milkshake. Tip 10 dollars.

13. Buy a pile of index cards and a sharpie.

Write down, "You are Important" or "Breathe." Carry them with you as you go about your day, leaving them in waiting room magazines, on car windshields, in elevators, in bathroom stalls. Keep one for yourself. We all need the reminder sometimes too.

14. Dig up an embarrassing photo of yourself from your teenage years.

Post it online. Laugh gently at the person you were, and celebrate the human you are now. If you're still in the process of living through your teenage years, take lots of pictures. You're doing great.

And the one that touched me the most:

15. Think. Think about the fact that the world can sometimes feel like a flaming cesspool of garbage.

Think about everyone in your zip code who is homeless and hungry, cold, terrified, and lonely. Think about global warming, handguns and assault rifles, violence on television, rape statistics, domestic abuse. Think about terrorism, both domestic and abroad. Think about petty cruelty. Think about your childhood schoolyard bully. Think about the times that you won the argument but lost the friendship.

Think about all the times you got too busy and didn't visit your relatives like you said you would or didn't give the dollar in the checkout line because times are rough and who even knows what the March of Dimes is. Think about how you don't want to think about who grows your food or makes your clothes or pieces your iPhone together, because in the world we inhabit, it's virtually impossible to exist without making some kind of ethical compromises. Think about the 7 billion other people people out there in the world. Think about the average 318,000 births today or the 133,000 deaths.

Think about how enormously complicated all of this is.

Think about how Mother Teresa accepted funds from corrupt embezzlers, how George Bush is an oil painter, a husband, a father, and a war criminal. Think about Princess Diana's life's work of charity and goodwill; remember also that she was depressed, lived through bulimia, and self-harmed. Name five celebrities, and then imagine them in the morning, with horse breath and red-rimmed eyes, stumbling to splash water on their face, just like you and me.

And remember, amidst all this, there are tons of incredibly easy, tiny ways to make the world a slightly less shitty place for everyone.

Take a deep breath of gratitude for the people out there who actually do make the world a better place. Challenge yourself to be that person, in whatever small way you can manage right now.

Photo via iStock.

Close your browser window. Shut down your laptop. Silence your cell phone. Just for a minute, before you go back to Netflix, before you text someone, before you answer more emails or meet friends for drinks or order a pizza or whatever it is that you're doing today: Just for a second, take a moment to remember that the world can be pretty magical sometimes, and you're really lucky to be alive in it.

Do what you can.

~~~

That's how we will combat the 'crazy' that is the world today. By remembering that darkness is simply the absence of light. By reminding ourselves every day that there are still good people in the world, and by making small efforts to try and be those people. 

Every time I get off the highway, there are homeless people with signs asking for money. I get nervous, because I am paranoid that the second I open my window they will try to carjack me. It bothers me that I lost the ability to trust in the goodness of humanity, that maybe these people are simply hungry and really do need the money for food, or to take care of their children. Unfortunately, there are many less-than-honest people who will break your trust and cause you to fear them and anyone like them. The key is to find a balance between complete paranoia and distrust, and being overly trusting and naive.

I had an idea that I could keep little 'to-go' bags in my car, a ziplock bag with a granola bar, mini water bottle, maybe mouthwash, gum, a few dollars, and maybe a note with some inspirational words. I could give it to these people when they walk by my window. Maybe they won't go hungry that day.

I'm sure you have ideas like this too. So go with it. Instead of thinking, it's probably a stupid idea and they will laugh and throw it back in my face, think that maybe out there, someone will get your message and feel touched, and grateful for the kind stranger who helped them out. 

Maybe you will be the one to restore someone's faith in humanity. And along the way, maybe you will even restore your own.

Turn that frown upside down

Tacky, I know.

I seem to always write when I have a cold, like "hey world, I feel like crap today, just thought I should let you know!". Not sure how you can get a cold in warm climate, but it happens.

Things haven't been going so well for me lately, or rather, I have let my control slip and things got into disarray. It is all how you look at it. Is my world falling apart, or am I just not holding it together strongly enough?

I'm part of a 'get fit' facebook group (who isn't?) The moderator is posting small exercises to do each day, to get people moving. Today it was simply, go outside, enjoy the beauty. So I did.

First, I went running. It was raining all morning, so I thought, how appropriate, I will run in the rain like in all romantic movies. But by the time I got dressed and went outside it had stopped raining. It was still nice and breezy, and I had a good run/jog/walk. There was a moment there when the wind picked up and I was running, it felt like I was controlling it.

I lit the menorah and enjoyed some chanuka songs.

Then, I went to an awesome outdoor free Avraham Fried concert, did I mention free? The music was so beautiful, and like I've heard mentioned before, Avraham Fried is such an aidel yiddishe guy, it's a pleasure to watch him sing. I felt like, hey there's Avremel Friedman, I see him all the time in Crown Heights, we're practically neighbors. It was nice to see tons of Jews in one place.

Then, I sat around drinking tea feeling sick and sorry for myself. But that's not the end, my friends.

My sister texted me for my address, and I'm pretty sure she's gonna send me chanuka cookies. Then we texted back and forth for like 45 minutes, and she was being really nice and supportive about what I'm going through. Which is, as my mom would put it, 'a miracle' because we used to hate each other and could barely say anything without throwing out nasty words. So ya, I guess family is not that bad.

All in all, I think things are looking up. And I attribute that to my attitude and my mindset, since nothing really changed since yesterday. But I feel different. More hopeful, more positive, like I actually want to move forward, and instead of waiting for things to fall into place, I will actively take the reins and make it happen.

Out of place

Trust. It's a fragile thing. It is easily broken.

Did you hear, Mark Zuckerberg and wife had a baby girl? Mazal tovs are in order. I mean, she is half Jewish. Just not the right half.

He and his wife wrote a letter to their baby daughter, expressing their wishes and hopes for what the world would be like when she grows up. I think it reads politically, rather than a sweet letter from dad to his daughter.

Regardless, I thought I would try one.

Dear unborn children of mine,

I want to say nice things like, I am so excited for your future, or I will be the best mom ever and love you the most. But I know that is not true.

I will try not to scream so much, like my parents did. I will try not to get annoyed at you when I am overtired and you are not listening, or when you wipe your grubby little hands all over the nice clean counter I just wiped down. I want you to understand the value of money, but also to never worry that we can't support you. I want you to call me in middle of the night when you screw up, even if it makes me feel like I didn't teach you right. Realistically, I know I may not be the most patient person, I know I may very well say things I will regret, I know I may not screw you up like my parents did to me, but with my very own errors, and I know there will be times when you will want to run away. So will I. Sometimes it is so tempting to leave when things get tough, but my mom never did that to me, and I promise not to do that to you. Every time I wanted to scream at my parents, "I hate you, and you never should have had kids!" my mother reminded me that apparently I chose them. So my advice to you, kiddo, is don't choose me. Run the other way!

I don't think these letters mean anything, because they are all unrealistic. You can say anything you want to a baby or an unborn child, but you will never truly know how things will be until they are.

I know how sucky it feels to answer the phone when my brother calls, thinking maybe he is interested in my life, but of course he only calls when he needs something from me. And then to do everything in my power to get him what he needs, thinking maybe then he will love me.

I sure showed him, showing up at his thanksgiving dinner where over 40 people attended, many of whom did not even know my brother personally, and yet he didn't think to text me to invite me. I said "thanks for inviting me" and he said "I didn't invite you but come again." I showed him, rifling through his kitchen, drunk and trying to find and steal (is it still called stealing if it's from family?) the green tea kettle my mom left there which I asked him if I could have because I was sick but had no burner to heat up water for tea, but apparently they "misplaced" it. If I were a tea kettle, where would I be? I never found it. I strutted around telling everyone 'that's my brother' like it actually meant something.

Ah, family. Sometimes I get homesick and tell my father that I want to come home, but then he reminds me that every time I come home I end up being miserable and wondering why I made the same mistake again.

I chase after these things respectfully called love, acceptance and belonging, knowing very well that they must come from within, not without (and picturing Will Smith saying, "without what?").  


I've been trying to get back into writing, so I tried some writing prompts. One was called, Out of Place. "When have you felt out of place? How can you capture that experience in words?" This is what I came up with:

~~~~~

She told me to ask for "The Firehouse", so feeling like an idiot I made my way to the front of the bus, and asked with uncertainty to be let off at the firehouse. I was sure the driver would tell me he's never heard of it, and I wouldn't know how to respond because I've never been there and I'm not very good with directions. But he simply nodded and said sure, it's along his route. Like, he knows. He's been there. They've all been there, I'm the only outsider in this little town. The bus slowed down and I gripped the back of the seat, trying very hard not to go flying through the front window. Definitely not the best way to exit a bus. I looked around me trying to locate #17, feeling lost and confused. Everyone had a chance to settle in, but I've never even seen the place. There are boxes with my name on it somewhere in the basement, but that's about it. The house looked so small from the outside, which is why they called it the "little green house". Definitely not big enough for 5 occupants. Six, now. I didn't bother knocking, I know they never lock their door. They never ask me to call first, they know we all just come and go, showing up and leaving when we please. Literally an "open home", but not in the meaningful sense. I tried to smile when I walked in the front door, to appear curious, enthusiastic, or simply interested in seeing their new abode. But I hated it the second I walked in. The clutter, the mess, the walls closing in on me reminding me why I left in the first place. Not this house, I didn't get a chance to leave yet. But I will. And soon. This definitely didn't feel like coming home.

~~~

To be fair, it did get easier after that first time. I still don't think of it as home, but merely "the place where some of my family members reside", only that's way to long to say. Also, after being away for so long it is nice to seek comfort in my parents' arms. The child in me wishes it could have been different, but the adult in me reminds myself that it is my turn now, to create my own home, my own world. 

You'd think I would be psyched, living in 80 degree weather, with my own apartment, a car, a pool in my backyard, living 15 minutes away from the beach and getting to watch magnificent sunsets every day. 

But I feel out of place. Like I don't belong anywhere. Like something is missing. Like I'm searching for something. It's not like looking for a lost object, because then you'd know what you were looking for, you just wouldn't know where to look. In this case, I don't know what it is, or where it is, or how to find it. 

I hope one day I will be driving home, and turn onto my street and feel a familiarity, like this is where I belong.