I don't know how

I don't know how
to separate the private from the public
so I just say nothing.

I don't know how
to bare my soul
to leave everything behind on the stage

I don't know how
to close the divide
between what I'm feeling and what I'm saying

If only I could be that brave
if only I could be that good

if only,

My grandma calls to ask how I'm doing,
but there is so much we don't say,
were taught not to say from a young age.

My father says
he barely speaks to his mom anymore
because after all the things we are not allowed to talk about
there isn't much left to say.

We couldn't mention when my dad got his first cell phone,
because he was clearly too poor to have one.

We didn't talk about the new house,
don't tell them you are unemployed,
let's keep the transparent paper-thin charade going
as long as we can,
so they believe we are something
instead of losers.

I can't really say
that I spent 4 years in college
with not much to show for it.

Well
I'm sick of being a loser,
It's hard to move past all the
family drama,
all the things we never said.

These people,
these performers
speak about racism,
speak about love
and hate
and self-loathing

They speak of  broken homes
and broken hearts,
cut up bodies,

they speak of themselves,
they open their hearts and souls
they dig deep
and use their lives
to wow audiences and judges.

I want to be one of those persons,
I want to perform
not just write
in a dark dusty corner
forgotten.

I want to invoke tears
applause
feelings of awe

I want to feel that I too
can share from deep inside

But there is so much we do not say,
it's like locked up
in a box
deep inside

I don't know how to let it out.