A good cry

Feeling so empty inside
got no where to hide
the lights ablaze
please let me hide my face
from you.

Guy on the train
talking about whats-his-name
tries to hand me a page passing through,
I say no thanks I'm a Jew
he asks 'do you know what that means'.

Stumped for words
my speech slurs
couldn't keep my mouth closed
while he's so composed
talks about the bible and stuff.

My brain on alert
my gaze I avert
look away
wonder what you'd say
if you knew my thoughts.

I want to say, I'm a Jew! I'm a Jew! And settle the matter. But he keeps talking. The ride is almost over, the train is pulling in, he's still talking. I wonder what I started, and where I was when we learned that class called 'know what to say.

They say I'm smart, my mother calls me brilliant, now I know that isn't true. I can't say that I'm dumb, but I feel lacking at times, like some people got an extra gene that I must have missed, called 'the comeback'. I'm not good at rapid fire debates. Give me Google any day and I'm all set. 10 page research papers are easy for me, time to prepare what I have to say. But on the spot I'm no good.

In the classroom I come up with a theory regarding the story we are reading, I have points to back it up. No one concluded the same that I did, my teacher sounds skeptical. I try, I try, but with everyone seemingly against you, it's hard. One student attempts to side with me, but it was weak. My teacher asks me to back up my theory, and I cannot. I grasp for outside references but nothing comes to mind. They seem to know it all. My mind is blank.

Some people call it a bad day, or a bad week. Perhaps a bad state of being. It is laughable, to be in a school filled with and surrounded by people who together make up so much knowledge, and to feel that you know nothing. Grades mean nothing if you leave knowing no more than when you entered.

I was looking for that paper, the one with my goals. A few years ago I wrote down five goals that I wanted to accomplish, and at the time I did not believe I could do them. I thought about it over the years, but forgot about that paper. I went digging for it tonight, and to my delight I can now say I have accomplished all five of those goals. My problem is that sometimes I don't have the confidence to recognize my own accomplishments.

A velvet bag stuck out of an envelope with a card. What is that? I pull it out. And open it up. My face lights up. The card, it reads, "I smile because you're my sister...(open it up) I laugh because there's nothing you can do about it."

I am crying now as I open the velvet bag. Inside are beautiful heart shaped earrings, sparkling blue. He didn't realize that I can't wear earrings, I feel bad that I ever told him. I want so badly to pierce my own ears just to wear the precious gift he gave me.

I call my little brother, hoping he won't realize I'm crying. I get his voicemail, leaving a tearful message telling him how much I love him and miss him. I matter to someone, though at times I forget that.

Sometimes a good cry is all it takes to feel better.