Build-A-Boy

I haven't had to drown anything out lately. I guess that means life has been good to me. But then again, I haven't been out much lately. When I say out- yes I leave my house. I go to work, and then I go to school, and then I come home. And then I go to work, and then I go to school- you get the drift. I'm at the point where I look around and I'm like- oh, people. Where did you come from?

I occasionally see my friend's on Shabbos, I seldom see my family, I mostly wrap myself up in school work, TV shows to destress, exercise when I have time, laundry when I get desperate, and food, well, when the fridge is running on empty.

I recently went through my posts in my draft folder, and there was one moaning about how when I was a kid I couldn't wait to be grow up so I could do whatever I wanted without anyone telling me what to do, and now that I am grown up I just want someone to tell me what to do, like go to bed, wake up, do your homework, go to class. But then I realized, that post will never see the light of day because what's the point of complaining about reality? Ya, this is life, I got used to it. You know, it does seem funny because there are so many coming-of-age novels and movies, and it's like, what's the big deal, so you grew up, yay you! Hey man, we all gotta grow up someday. But truly, some people make the transition easily, and there are others who cannot fathom growing up and would like to be 'forever young'. Personally, I was never the most responsible person. I used to say I hate responsibility and I hate commitments. So I should get an award for all of my accomplishments.

Every time I post online how well I'm doing in school (Straight A's, Spring semester) people get so excited for me. Good job! they tell me. That? I want to say. That was nothing. I was taking 4 classes. Just wait until next semester when I get 5 straight A's. Then you can congratulate me. And I'm not trying to be boastful. I know I'm smart, and still I surprise myself every time when I do well. I say I'm lazy. My father says that can't possibly be true, what with all that I do in my life.

I had an idea for a poem, but I realized it is a bit painful to write. Because it deals with memories, and sometimes I'd rather not remember things. I have met many guys who were wrong for me. And it was okay, and I made peace with it and I moved on. Over time I realized, if only I could take the best part from each one of them, I could build myself the perfect man. One was intelligent, one had a great smile, one was funny, one was kind, one taught me things about myself. Did you know you could miss parts of someone without missing the whole person? I discovered that. When you go through a painful relationship, once the pain clears and you don't miss them anymore, sometimes you find yourself thinking about them at the most random times. It is hard to put it into words. But if you meet someone that makes you want to be a better person, even if they are no longer in your life, they have influenced you forever. And I wish they knew how thankful I am for that.