#Hashtag #Chanukah #Blues

I can see the big greasy latkes my mother used to make when I was a kid. We would sit on the floor and play dreidel, eat chocolate coins and donuts and enjoy Chanukah like only a kid can.

One of my fond memories from childhood was running across the street to Lefferts park right before Shabbos Chanukah to see Rabbi Butman land in a helicopter and get a dreidel. He would light the public menorah in Manhattan and fly back to Crown Heights to make it in time for Shabbos. Then he would hand out dreidels to the kids waiting there.

Chanukah was an exciting time, to have vacation from school, get Chanukah gelt, and eat and eat and eat.

Chanukah as an adult is hard. Between work, school and life, I have to make time to light the menorah. I dread the greasy food, I treat donuts like they are the enemy, I can't imagine how many calories are in all these foods. 

We had an office Chanukah party for the first time ever and I made the effort to go. It was fun seeing coworkers after hours, there was food and alcohol and entertainment. Some people brought their spouses and families. I brought no one. 

I came home to see a card for me from my grandparents. They send me a Chanukah card every year, with a check inside. It is a nice gesture and I smile when I see it. Someone is thinking about me.

For me, the meaning of holidays has changed a lot since I became an 'adult'. Things are not done for me anymore. My family doesn't really have huge parties. If I didn't light the menorah for myself, no one would. 

It is a hard transition from being a child to being an independent individual with responsibilities. It gets easier but not funner. Even though I go through the motions, it would be nice if I could just show up and participate. 

Despite my personal feelings about holidays, it is heartwarming to see menorahs in banks and gas stations and know that the whole world is celebrating the festival of lights.