What you dream about at 5 a.m.

Going through the old boxes looking for something.. something that we did not end up finding, we found so much more.

"Oh look there's me when I was little! I look so cuuuute!"

Cards from my grandmother to my mother, cards from my father to my mother, little notes saying "Went to store, be back soon, love you".

All these little scraps of paper, reports cards, old teeth (ew) old hair from upshernishes (ewwww), mementos, pictures, pictures, pictures, kids drawings saying "I love you Mommy and Abba".

We laughed as I dragged out box after box, getting dusty and dirty, breaking a nail, my eyes and nose itchy from the dust.

Cleansing. It was nice taking a memory trip, laughing, deciphering (why did we keep this old honey jar???) trying to fit everything back into the box that now seemed much smaller.

We didn't end up finding what I was looking for, but I found my answer along the way. The ending does not always matter, it is the journey that counts the most.

I found a dollar that I got from the Rebbe when I was 9 months old. It is nice to know I have one.

5 a.m. going to sleep with the birds chirping, it was a great feeling reconnecting to my past.

Where my dollar went

There's a dollar burning a hole in my pocket, just waiting to be spent.

Buy me candy. But me a donut. Buy me laffy taffys. Buy me chips.

Oh yes, this dollar is mine. I earned it rightfully.

Oh yes, I had a bad day and I deserve to use this dollar to buy me a treat.

Mineminemineminemine.

She stands there looking out of place, yet sadly very much part of the facade.

I see her around the neighborhood, walking very quietly, pushing her shopping cart.

I don't remember ever hearing her talk.

These ones, they are rude, they are pushy, they are demanding and put you in an uncomfortable situation.

But she stands there quietly and doesn't say a word.

My mother used to give her money, my mother used to buy her a sandwich, my mother used to talk to her.

My mother doesn't live here anymore. I am not my mother.

I walk by her and instead of turning into the store to pick out my treat, I drop my dollar into her empty cup.

Then I go home.

I can't say I felt so great after giving away my dollar. I definitely did not feel like I am such a great person.

We struggle with ourselves to do the right thing, and though we don't always want to or don't have the best intentions, the action counts for something.

It was a dollar well spent.

My Bubby and Zaidy

Pistachios, and old pictures projected on the wall.

A blanket for my dolls.

Arthur, The Berenstain Bears, Clifford, books.

Uncle Paul.

Hearing aids.

Skirts.

Quiet house, carpeted, big deck, small slices of cake.

Walks in the mall. Scarves.

Sewing blankets for sick kids.

Kosher food.

Hanuka cards.

Birthday cards, gifts, and money for toys.

School, college, college grad, law school, Board of Ed.

Money, money, money.

Laugh, wrinkled skin, beige car, glasses.

Sewing.

Boston cream pie.

Stuffed cabbage shared.

Beach, knitting needles, museums.

Old house, new condo.

Old people, healthy people.

Graduations.

Matza.

Florida.

Great-grandmother, grandmother, mother.

Mom, Dad.

Awkward hug.

Goodbye, goodbye, Farewell.

SuMmeR

I feel like I've been here before, this sticky, sweltering, pounding heat-induced headache, Deja Vu.

I run through the sprinklers getting soaked.

I watch you watching me, wishing I had a beach bod like yours.

Teenagers meet and fall in love, leave beaus behind.

Summer ends in heartbreak.

Teens are dumb.

Should have listened when mama told you to stay away.

Sunlight permeates the body.

Vitamin D comes in capsules. Save yourselves the trouble of skin cancer.

People are less depressed during summer.

People from California are labeled as beach bums, dumb blondes, fakers, backstabbers, barbie dolls.

They get more sunlight. They are also on more anti-depressants.

Prisoners on death row wear suicide smocks, single pieces of material to prevent them from hanging themselves. The State wants to do the honors.

A prisoner on death row who swallows a blade is rushed to the hospital so doctors can fix them so they can soon be killed.

Why do we say "I love how you think you know what's best for me", when we really mean we hate that?

I can smell the salty nasal spray and feel it going up my septum, entering my throat. They told me it would help me breath better. It didn't. It just smelled bad.

They blot the pizza with napkins and say "look how oily it is!". But that's what pizza is, oily cheese.

I learned to swim in the ocean, floating on my back not realizing how far out I was, talking out loud practicing how to tell my father that I could swim.

Now they swim in kiddy pools with little arm floats.

In camp I had a whole kiddy pool to myself. Maybe I didn't have friends. But with a whole empty pool, who cares.

A great southern chef calls a man the 'N' word and suddenly her career is over.

Eating too much butter can kill a person.

Laying off the butter may kill you too.

People who commit suicide cannot donate their bodies to science.

Scientist should research why people kill themselves instead of looking for that elusive cure for cancer.

I bought shoes that contribute to the cause for breast cancer.

I am not a feminist, but I am a woman.

I should support the breast cancer awareness society.

I don't support many causes. 

Boy meets girl. Boy falls in love with girl. Girl scorns boy.

Summer heat makes people do dumb things.

Crush the ice, douse it in Sangria, and drink up.

Half Truths

I hate funerals, a shiny black coffin with an open lid and a dead guy inside. They say we live above sea level or below sea level and I never knew what that meant except I imagined people drowning below the water. They put coffee in the doughnut, they don't know that I don't drink coffee, that I feel guilty eating donuts, and now I can't have either. Some owners look just like their pets and I wonder if they bought pets that looked like them, or if they changed over time and morphed into their pets.

These deep grooves in my skin, these scars reflect the pain of love, of life, the grooves and marks on my soul. Get out of the left lane you idiot, get off the road, people beeping and honking and I'm all out of gear, out of whack, take me home. The porch light burnt out and we stand outside watching fireflies light up wondering how they don't get burned, they surround the dark light. As it was, as it were, how things used to be- these are guilt trips, but I say the past is in the past and that's where it is supposed to be.

To learn the value of money, spend your own money on stuff and stop hitting me up for more. They pull her out of the rubble half burnt half dead barely alive maybe not alive at all, safety crews just doing their job. Damn this chair is crooked and it's gonna tip over, damn you for not reading the printed instructions, damn you and your stupid ego. The truth is for strong people, if you can't handle the truth then leave now and stop wasting my time. I say 'sometimes' a lot when I really mean all the time, or never, depending on who I'm lying to. Blink, and it's over, the good times and the bad.

Old habits die hard

We find ourselves at it again,
And again,
Unable to break the pattern,
Unable to stop ourselves
From having that just one more,
From doing that thing we said we'd never do,
From going back to places we left behind.

 We watch hamsters in their cages running wheels to nowhere
And we laugh at how silly they are,
How dumb that they just keep running,
And they never go anywhere.
Yet we put ourselves in cages,
And we do the same thing,
Stupid Humans, do you never learn?

The thing that used to satisfy me
Now leaves a dull ache,
A hunger that does not go away.
Words that used to make my heart beat fast
Now sound routine and rehearsed,
I've heard it all before,
It doesn't make me feel good,

Or bad,
I feel nothing.
And the nothing that I feel
Should make me break the habit,
Yet here I am, at it again.
Oh when will you learn, Dumb Human?
Maybe never.

Bone tired and still we have time to come back to this place,
This place, how shall I describe it?
Once upon a time, I wanted to be here,
And never leave,
But now, I never want to go back there,
Yet here I am.
Waiting for that old feeling, That never comes.

Stupid humans,
Stupid humans,
You never learn.

One Thousand Fireflies

Today is the first day of Summer.

I can smell it.

The other night I saw a firefly. They remind me of summer, and youth.

This is my one thousand and two (1002) post.

I made cupcakes:

I am taking a poetry writing course this summer. I feel like my blog is lacking because I am focusing on in-class writing and assignments. I do not really like being told what to write. I just like doing my own thing. That is what my blog is about. I let it take me wherever it may go.

I will keep blogging as long as I still feel the need.

"You're gonna miss me when I'm gone".

Have a good Shabbos

Hear Hair

The Fat People of America take the escalator one by one, and get fatter day by day. Today the escalator is broken, and so The Fat People of America take the stairs. Their bodies thank them.

Your hair is so pretty, such perfect curls. I wonder if it is natural or treated. You have fuzz in your hair. Should I tell you that you have fuzz in your hair?

Sometimes I like everything about myself, and sometimes I like nothing about myself, and sometimes I only like a little. The doctor gave me an A in health. A because of D. Vitamin D. I seem to be lacking in sunlight. We sit in air conditioned offices all day long, we are pale as paste, our bones are brittle and our hair is dry. And so they bottle up the sun in tiny little capsules and call it vitamin D. Take it by mouth, once a week, and see me in three months. Well I hope my hair gets shiny.

Today a random girl told me "I like your hair". I looked in every mirror I passed by and tried to figure out why.

Ode To Orange

Ode To Orange

O orange!

You remind me of the ocean,

you give me the courage

to plunge into anything,

I believe I was born

wearing orange,

or coral.

The Torah

was given on Mt. Sinai

religion makes people cringe

I believe in angels

with orange wings

I imagine they watch over me.

O orange!

You absorb my scent

on a cold winter day

the smell of gingerbread cookies

and oatmeal with chocolate chips

vintage dresses with swirls

of color.

Challenge me

with your bright décor

many actors who are bachelors

wear fedoras and escort

their lady friends to the Grammy awards

Encore! We call

again.

O Orange!

No lackluster browns

for me, no ogre greens,

no old tattered clothes,

will adorn my soul,

I abhor the word

adorable.

Forge ahead

you energize me

the center, not the fringe,

logic tells me

you are illogical,

but you are eligible for my vote

any day.

O Orange!

Your citrusy odor

is genuine

large pretty fruit

enormous, imported Sunkists,

from the truck to the store

O Orange! I love thee. 

What I meant to say was…

I mean, um, no stop, seriously, look at me, would I lie to you? Take all the BS from the world but don’t tolerate it from me. Or from yourself. Do you talk to yourself in your head? Do you hear voices? Like, really, think about it. What did you dream about last night, and did you remember it when you woke up? Touch your face, your hair, your mouth. Are you real? Is this real, or is it a dream? Are we human, or are we dancers? Do you want to go down without a fight? Can you let demons lie, let bygones be bygones, can you shut the door and never look back? You hurt me and I hate you and I will never forgive you. You don’t exist. You are a ghost. Look in the mirror. Smash the glass, get past your outer self, your prison, free your soul, do you know what it feels like to be free, have you ever tasted freedom, it tastes so… sweet, so innocent. Do you remember when you were born, helpless babe, look at you crying out in hunger, in anger, thunder and lightning and rain, so much rain, feel the downpour, getting drenched, you sweat, so run, run away, and don’t look back because the weak ones never win. Um, well, what I meant to say was, can you pass the peas, please?

(Writing assignment for school)

Tarot Cards

"Hey darlin', you want me to tell you your future"?

She was sitting outside the subway and looked like she could use the cash.
I was in a hurry. I politely declined.

No ma'am.

What if you told me I would end up marrying a bald guy, and so I only dated bald guys, and I passed up my future because he had a full head of hair?

What if you told me I would be a millionaire and so I sat back and waited for that to happen, and ended up poor and homeless?

What if you told me that I would have success in my chosen career path and so I set my sights on that, but my true calling never got discovered?

Whether or not I believe in crystal balls, or palm readings, or tarot cards or tea leaves, I don't want to know my future.

I thought I did. But what if I knew all the bad times I would be going through and then tried to avoid them? I might not be the strong person that they made me.

What if I knew all the people that would end up hurting me, and so I chose to never meet them, and then never learned all the wonderful things they taught me?

What if I missed so many good opportunities because I believed the words of a woman of flesh and blood?

I don't know the future and I don't want to. And I'm okay with that.

No thanks, lady, my money is better spent elsewhere.

My Immortality

February 7, 2013, College Campus. Confusion surrounds as I pass through the protestors, Pro-Israel on one side, and Pro-Palestine on the other. Each with their own agenda, their own drastic views, differing greatly one from the other.

Boycott, Divestment and Sanctions movement against Israel. Students for Justice in Palestine- this is what they preach. They want equal rights, they want freedom from Israeli oppression, they want land, they want it all. They say that it is their right. Yet that very same night, Jews were kicked out of the pro-Palestinian forum even though they were on the invite list.

Let us talk about rights. June 25 2006- Gilad Shalit, an Israeli soldier was abducted by Hamas militants, and held in captivity for five years. He was finally released after 1,027 Palestinian prisoners were set free. Palestinians who had collectively killed more than 569 Israelis. Palestinians who went on to kill again after they were released. Israel exchanged over a thousand soldiers for one of our own, even as the Palestinians use their own women and children as shields, even as they train their kids from a young age to hate, and to kill, even as they teach them how to strap bombs to their chests, and walk into public places and kill as many Jews as they can.

And yet, they want equality? Every night when I go to sleep, I think about my little brother, who at 18 went into the Israeli Army. He wears heavy armor and gear every day, he carries a gun wherever he goes. All it will take is one stray bullet to harm or kill him. He is not an Israeli citizen, but he is a Jew, and he voluntarily took it upon himself to protect our land.

I am a Jew by birth, though at times I don't understand what is means to be a Jew.

I don't understand, but I am reminded of it every day. In 2011 the Palestinians fired 680 rockets into Israel. In November 2012 the Israelis retaliated, and killed Ahmed Jabari, the leader of the Hamas military. For a week, the Palestinians rained down rockets, and I prayed for my little brother every day.

President Obama showed his support of Israel and said, "There's no country on Earth that would tolerate missiles raining down on its citizens from outside its borders". Israel was pushed into a cease-fire, even though America would never back down under attack. 

Even as the ceasefire was announced, the air raid sirens were going off, letting everyone know to run and hide, that rockets were coming their way. "The definition of a ceasefire: Israel ceases, and Hamas fires". Israelis have fifteen seconds to get to a bomb shelter once the siren goes off. Fifteen seconds is the difference between life and death.

I am a Jew because I was born a Jew, even though sometimes I don't understand what that means. But the world will never let me forget it.

An evil man named Hitler killed 6 million Jews, only because they were Jewish. He wanted to create a pure Aryan race, he wanted to eliminate Jews from the world. He killed, and gassed, and mangled, and destroyed 6 million Jews, and he kept souvenirs to display as historic artifacts once the Jews were all gone. Yet We are still here.

We created museums, We have displayed those same souvenirs that were kept, We tell the world that We have survived, that We are a nation of survivors, and no matter how many times you knock us down, We will get right back up again.

I am a Jew by default, even though sometimes I don't understand what that entails.

At the Miss America pageant, the winner always wishes for world peace, to solve world hunger, to stop global warming. Matt Damon refuses to use a toilet until the whole world has clean water. These are all very worthy causes. Everybody believes in something.

The Nazis used to make the Jews go on death marches from the concentration camps in Poland, and at the end of the miles long walk, along which many Jews collapsed and were shot, all the Jews were shot and killed, their bodies dumped into pits. One day I will join the March of the Living, which runs along the very same path that the Jews were forced to walk. We remember the fallen Jews, as We show the world that We are undefeated, that we are alive and well.

I am a Jew because I was born a Jew, even though sometimes I don't understand what is means to me. But I say 'We, We, We'.

I am a Jew because I was born a Jew, even though sometimes I don't understand what that means. But I walk on the Pro-Israel side of the street during the protest.

I am a Jew because I was born a Jew, even though sometimes I don't understand what that means. But my People were killed because they were Jews, their arms were tattooed because they were Jews, they were forced to wear yellow stars that said 'Jude', Jew, because they were Jews.

As Mark Twain once said, the Egyptians, the Babylonians the Persians, the Greeks and the Romans all came and went, rose and fell throughout time, died out and disappeared. “The Jew saw them all, survived them all... All things are mortal but the Jews; all other forces pass, but he remains. What is the secret of his immortality?”

I am a Jew because I was born a Jew, even though sometimes I don't understand what that means. I support Israel because it is my land, my people, my home. I defend the Jewish people because it is my identity, my core, my very being. Throughout time many people rose up to destroy us but in the end We always won. We are a strong people.

I am strong because I am a Jew. I am a Jew because I am strong. I am a Jew because I was born a Jew, even though sometimes I don't understand what that means.

But I am learning and understanding more each day of what it means to be a Jew. The world teaches me what it means to be a Jew. Jewish leaders show me what it means to be a Jew. Deep down inside my soul, I know what it means to be a Jew.

And I will never forget it.

Of Roses

Red
splotch
of color
imposed on
a black
and white
background,
no good,
throw them away,
Wait.

Please.
Give me
the rose,
give me
three roses,
for me
for my friends.
Let us photograph
you, me
and the rose.

Smile,
don't smile,
look pensive,
look thoughtful,
look at the rose,
look hipster,
look gangster,
look like
someone else,
not yourself.

Backdrop
of garbage
a dumpster
a brick wall.
Urban.
Cool.
Hip.
Trash?
No.
Let us savor
this moment.

Subway.
Mice scurry.
The walls,
the floors
covered in
grim,
layers on layers,
dirt.
Don't touch.
Germs.

The train
pulls away
and I run
alongside it
with you
silhouetted
in the window.
The Rose
Just a splotch
of Red

With dank walls
turned black
behind it.

Forever After

What happens when the book closes?
When the lights turn off?
What happens when the audience goes home?

I wonder what happens after Happily ever After.
I guess we will find out in the sequel, 'Ever After'.
Except, none of that is real.

Oh, Disney, how you have ruined me.
I want the white horse drawn carriage
That used to be a pumpkin.

I want to be the maid who turns into a princess,
The toad who turns into a prince.
I want the kiss under the moonlight.

I want the magic,
And the fireworks,
The 'love at first sight'.

I don't know if I am prepared
For what comes after,
For everyday humdrum life.

Thank you Disney,
For inflating my expectations,
That I won't even recognize normal when I see it.

I'll bet the next morning,
Cinderella and the Prince woke up
Bleary eyed and disoriented.

Maybe they had cereal for breakfast,
As they eyed each other,
Two strangers wondering what just happened.

That magic fairy dust wears off,
And Happily Ever After
Turns sour pretty quickly.

Ever After is codename for Reality.
It hits hard when you are not expecting it.
Because you started out starstruck.

Don't look for a fairy tale,
And your 'Once Upon a Time', and 'Happily Ever After'
may just happen for you.

Look closely,
Because it will be disguised as
Boring 'ole Reality.

Mi, mi mi mi miiiiiiiiii!!!

A Story All About Me.

It is just so horrible how they treat me, it is like they hate me, and all I am trying to do is do my job.

You annoy me, you get in my way, you don't help me even when I ask you nicely, which of course forces me to ask not so nicely and say things to you like "you are useless, you suck. The person before you did this job so much better." Because, you are truly incompetent. You call me the "b" word, only you don't say it to me but more about me. And the funny thing is, it doesn't hurt.

You are in my way. Move. Move out of my way. You walk so slow on the sidewalk, and up the stairs and when I brush by you to get ahead you have the nerve to get annoyed at me! Like, hello you are in my way, do you not see that I am in a rush, can you not tell that I have somewhere to be and I am late and besides, I walk fast and you walk slow so move aside and let me pass.

I sigh. I told you three times today about that thing I need you to take care of and you didn't do it and it is getting really annoying, like how many times do I need to ask you to do this? I don't care if you are the boss, you said you would do it and then you forgot. Really, that it not nice and it doesn't help me do my job.

I answered your question 5 times today, and you just keep asking. Are you stupid? Don't answer that. You are stupid. You are so dumb. Read my answer! How do you not understand what I'm saying?? Clearly you should not be using a computer.

Why didn't you answer when I called you? Are you too busy to talk to me? Are you ignoring me? Oh, I'm sorry, is this a bad time? Just answer the stupid phone when I call and then I won't have to call back.

Why are you using the kitchen? I wanted to cook and you are taking up space. Get out. No really, I was thinking a long time ago that I would cook now, how come you didn't tell me that you were planning to also? You are getting in my way.

Be quiet I am trying to go to sleep. Why must you make noise and turn on the light when I am sleeping? You are so rude. Rude rude rude. You shouldn't even be here because I got here first.

You told me to ask nicely and I did ask nicely and you still didn't help me. You say something about team, and I remember the lame pep talk, how there is no 'I' in Team. Right. Okay. Yippy.

And then I look around and I am all alone and I wonder why everyone was so mean and selfish and left me when I needed them most. Why? I ask myself. Whyyyyy?

And so I turn old and gray and I sit there with my 23 cats and I talk to them until they all walk away and then I get mad that they are not listening to me and I throw them out the door.

And so I win the lottery and buy an island and name it AltieLand and let no one come there, because clearly everyone hates me.

~~~~~

The End

P.S. This is a self reflection and a note to self about being more patient and less self-centered. In case you totally missed the point.

The thread that holds us together

Sometimes the thread is clear,
So clear that I just can't see it,
And I wonder if it is still there.

So I pull at it,
I tug until I see the seams coming apart,
And the thread begins to unravel.

It just keeps on unraveling
And I wonder if I started something
That I just can't stop.

We make excuses that sound good
To our own ears and to others,
They are valid and sound arguments.

But sometimes we just can't face the facts,
We can't look into the mirror
And speak the truth.

That maybe the thread that holds us together
Is not as strong as we thought.
The thread just keeps on unraveling. 

It pulls us farther and farther apart,
Until One whole becomes Two,
Three, Four pieces.

That just can't seem to fit back together.

Patience

Patience may be a virtue but it is definitely one that I have very little of. I have no patience for people, for trains, for slow explanations, sometimes I just have no patience for anything. I'm sure it can be learned, but I'm just not sure I have the patience for that.

I bought my brother a plant for his birthday almost two years ago, and recently noticed that he re-potted it and it is growing big and tall. It is nice to see that he can take care of plants, and they do look pretty in his living room.

My sister-in-law gave me a plant for my birthday, and while it is a sweet gesture, it seems she doesn't know me very well. Unless she is trying to teach me a lesson, much the same way teachers make their students take care of fake babies. I went home for Shavuos and forgot to ask someone to water it, and when I got back it was bone dry and droopy. I think I revived it, and now I leave it right near the sink to remind me to water it. Poor plant.

Good things take time. Time that I think I don't have, until I find myself bored with nothing to do and lots of time. But I'm bored and I want things to happen NOW. Why should I have to wait for good things?

Plants take years and years to grow big, and the only way to ensure that they get there is by taking care of them and watering them regularly. And having extreme patience. If you sit there and watch it grow and see no movement and get frustrated and destroy it- you will never see any change.

Yes it is hard. It is hard to stand around in a roomful of strange people that I don't know, with the spotlight on one girl enjoying her moment, and wishing that was me.

It is so hard to have patience with people who talk slow or funny, or when you are starving and want your food to cook faster. It is hard to be in school for years and work slowly and patiently to get a degree.

I'm not going to magically become the most patient person overnight, but it definitely helps to take a step back and say "calm down and let things take their course, and G-d Willing good things will come your way."