I tell myself to follow the rules. To obey the powers that be. But there is a part of me that wants to live on the edge, discover the wild side. Not only that, I just hate rules.
But if they find out, who knows what will be. I feel like I have been punched in the stomach. My conscience bothers me, my guilt gnaws at me, and the fear won't let me rest.
I like my freedom. I hate the constricting feeling of someone telling me what to do. But when you have a job to do, and you know it, what other option do you have?
Free time? Maybe some other time. They are my responsibility, and this is my life now.
Get used to it.
Altie in teh beginning of the year you sounded amazing like the burden of responsibility was making you free.
ReplyDeleteAsk yourself where amI free? and free to be me and explore the edge of things while still benefitting my charges... mayeb when you folllow the rule you are disinclined towards you can feel that rush inside and feel free
Who doesn't live like that in some form or another?
ReplyDeleteAnd no, they won't ask you to leave unless they find out and it's a big thing.
G.L.
Where am I free? I don't know.
ReplyDeleteIt's not something that big, and they won't ask me to leave because they need me. But it is the realization that I am tied down. Almost like having kids. Sometimes it is a suffocating feeling.
Rules are a part of life. You have to get used to it. The Torah may seem restricting to some but when you realize the beauty of it you can feel that it is liberating.
ReplyDeleteI don't know what rules are holding you back from doing what you want but maybe if you understood the reasoning behind it, it wouldn't be so hard for you.