My sukkos, etc etc etc

This is how I started my post Sunday night:

Here's how I know I'm growing up- it's 8 PM, I'm dead tired and craving my bed, I've been up since 7 am, it's chol hamoade and I have no interest in going to the simchas bais hashuava, or a concert, or an amusement park, and above all- I've dealt with kids all day and I've had enough. There is that niggling doubt every once in awhile that says 'hey, if you can't even deal with kids now, how are you going to have your own?' But these are not my kids, and I hope G-d will give me the strength when I have my own.

This is how I would have started it Monday night:

Oh what a day. Five kids, and some food, in a car, going on a chol hamoade trip to Fun Time America. I get to play Mommy for a day. We got lost and looped around the same highway three times until I realized we weren't lost and that was indeed the right way. Finally we got there only to see that the place was packed with.... Jews!!! Frum Jews of all sizes, with kids kids kids. Oh boy, but I was so not gonna stuff the kids back into the car to go find somewhere else to go. So we waited on line for half an hour, me having to hear that people were skipping us and not being able to do anything about it. Finally we paid and went inside...

Now I am watching only one kid, leaving the 2 younger ones to go around with the 2 older ones. So me and Child go to jungle gym, and I can't go with him cuz it says kids ages 2-12 only... He goes in by himself and a little while later I see Child crying his eyes out cuz he got lost inside the jungle gym and can't find his way out... my throat constricts with tears, and I feel anxious cuz I can't get to him. I look around for a kid, maybe to ask them to go help Child get out. I contemplate going in myself, but then Child comes down the slide. Trouble averted. I give him a sandwich and he is happy.

Some rides and arcades and lots of prize tickets later I am exhausted and ready to call it a day. Food, drinks, bathroom. Time to make our way to the prize counter, another hurdle I am not looking forward to. I leave it up to the oldest kid, who is 10. Tell him, make sure everyone gets a prize and no one cries. Finally, back to the car.

It is raining out, I realize I forgot to print directions back to the house, I don't have a GPS. Luckily, we figured out how to get home, in considerably less time then it took us to get there, and we didn't get lost.

Along the way: I have to hear how "how come she got 3 prizes and we only got one?" in a whiny voice. One kid unbuckles his seat belt, they are having a merry good time back there, I can't drive like this. I pull over, left him on the side of the road, demand that the kid put his seat belt back on, get back in the car, drive off.

I told the parents maybe I'll come back to visit in, oh, two years. Oh what a day.

(Disclaimer: I do love these kids and I love going there. Of course, I have to say that cuz if their mother or any of her sisters read this, they will call up the mother, ask her what she did to me that was so horrible, she will call me and I will never hear the end of it.)

Monday night I went to Simchas Bais Hashuava in Crown Heights, my first time this year. I stayed until 6 am, which was good because I didn't have a bed to sleep in at home, what with all the people there and all.

I was gonna go away for the second days of Yom Tov, but now I'm not, cuz the family I was going to is sick with strep. My family is going to Monsey to stay with my sister and bro-in-law and niece. So I am going to be home alone. I am quite looking forward. (My father already warned me: no parties, no people over, no guys or girls... I said, I'm gonna be anti-social, read, relax, sleep, you know.)

I have not done much with my Sukkos vacation, besides all of the above, plus chillin with my niece the first days. She is awfully cute. My whole plan for chol hamoade was to get glasses, and even that I didn't do. I go back to Connecticut on Sunday, and then I'll be there for about a month.

So there's a little update on my life. I felt you deserved to know since I haven't blogged in 2 weeks. Bet you missed me.

Have a good yom tov everyone, and watch the alcohol consumption on Simchas Torah. I don't need any guys bumping into me 'by accident' cuz they are inebriated.

Now raise your cup and say- lechaim.

Turkey in the yard

A view from my window

How great are Your people

Hope y'all had a great yom tov.

I decided this year I am not going to write a post-Rosh Hashana post, as I did in previous years. I am not going to exclaim how I don't want to look at food anymore in my life, I am not going to say whether the davening was moving or not, whether I now feel cleansed and refreshed and ready for a new year.

No- all of that I didn't feel like writing about this year. So why then am I writing a blog post? Because I have one thing to say-

G-d, how great are your children, the people of Israel.

In shul on yom tov, a man was standing at the bima for his aliyah to the Torah. He was standing there quietly when his cell phone rang. He took it out sheepishly and turned it off. I was struck by the irony of the two extremes.

That's how great Your people are. They know how important Rosh Hashana is, and so they come to shul, cell phones, cars and all. But they come. That is the main part.

And if they could be there, then who am I to complain how long and tiring the davening is?

Happy new year.

Happy and spiritual Rosh Hashana

Yes, the holidays are coming.

Since I don't have my own home, this doesn't mean much physical preparations for me. I don't have to cook, I don't have to clean, and since I am going to be a guest at someone's house for yom tov, I don't have to do much of anything.

So I sit here and reflect on the past year. And I am scared.

I consider my relationship with G-d a good one. Perhaps I am fooling myself. Most likely that is the case. This is not confessionals, so I don't have to spill my guts to you, but I know what I have done, or not done in the past year. I know that some days I have not davened. Is talking to G-d one on one in English considered praying? When I say Oh my G-d, or thank G-d, does that mean anything? Yes it does. Why then is it so important to pray the words in Hebrew, the special prayers that great men have created long ago? I don't know.

I wonder what G-d will inscribe for me in His book this year. I wonder about everything the new year will bring. Will He choose life for me, or (G-d forbid) death? Good fortune, or bad? I have no idea. But for some reason, I have a cocky confidence that I will be alright.

I don't know for certain, because no one but G-d can know, but I am confident.

Yes I know it is foolish. I share the same confidence as the man in the song 'isn't is ironic.'

Mr. Play It Safe was afraid to fly
He packed his suitcase and kissed his kids goodbye
He waited his whole life to take that flight
And as the plane crashed down he thought
"Well isn't this nice..."
And isn't it ironic... don't you think

How can you know if this is your last day? How can you know that you won't have bad fortune? You can't. But at the same time, who walks around thinking, today I will die? The assumption is that we will have many more years on this earth, which is why so many people waste their time here, and end their lives with nothing much to show.

The point is, there is no reason why I don't daven every day. It does not come from a place that says, me and G-d are tight, so there's no need to thank Him and ask Him for special things, they will just come to me. No, it comes from a place of neglect.

I am scared because when G-d comes to my name in His big book, what will He see? Not much. So why then am I still here? I assume it is because I still have a lot more to accomplish here, and G-d is giving me some more time to discover what it is. Hopefully I will not let Him down.

I want to wish all of you and your families a happy and healthy sweet new year. May it be a year that brings only good and happiness and blessings in abundance. May your spirituality reach great heights, may G-d grant all of your hearts desires in all areas, and may we all celebrate the ultimate redemption with Moshiach now.

I hope that every one of you takes some time for introspection, and to ask yourself, am I ready for this Rosh Hashana, am I ready for G-d to judge me, and am I ready for what this new year will bring?

The places of my mind

I stand here
a little midget next to this vast mountain
cowering in apprehension.
In just a minute
it can lean over
way over
and crush me.
Should I stand still
or should I run?

This is a place I love to come to-
yellow daffodils,
the deep blue of water
with a glint of sunlight.
A hint of autumn in the air,
a chill, but not enough to
overpower the warmth.

I lay here,
the smell of grass permeating my senses,
the blades cool between my fingers.
It is bliss on earth.
The sound of birds chirping,
the noise from cars and traffic far away and faint.

This is peace.

But then-
words, they haunt me.
They follow me.
They don't let me rest.
They knock at the recesses of my brain
and beg to be let in.

But I refuse.

My emotions can't deal with them today.
Words, so powerful.
Poetry, meant to question and discover,
to study human nature
and delve deep into the echelons of the universe.

But this is not peace.
This is a fear of discovery.
For when you question-
you have to be prepared for what you will find out.
and for this I have no patience.

And so I leave this place,
this place of mind,
and I amuse myself with a spider web
or counting the sounds of the cars
as they whiz by.

And I tell myself someday I will return
one day when I feel ready,
older and more mature.

But in my heart I know
that day may never come.
Maybe I don't want to go back
to that place that challenges me
frightens me
makes me feel so small and meaningless.

So goodbye
I need to go chase a butterfly.

You are special

You are special. Yes you. And you, and you. Every single one of you is special in your own way. I may not know you, I may not know what you are like, where your talents lie, how smart you are. But I know that you are special.

I have a poster on my wall, it is a motto from Mr. Rogers. It says, "You make each day special just by being you." I see that every time I walk into my room. It is a good reminder, especially when I am feeling particularly un-special.

I want to thank you, oh anonymous people, whoever you are. Some of you may know me, and some of you may have never met me. But you are dear to me. You give me the opportunity to share my thoughts, my goals and dreams with you. You let me broadcast my feelings, my experiences, and my day to day life. To you this may mean nothing. Maybe you read my posts, and maybe you don't. But to me, this feels like I have someone with me the whole way through.

Don't get me wrong- I have friends. Real live friends whom I see most of the time. But this is different.

I hope to make you proud of me. My journey is far from over. It may never be over. So thank you for sharing it with me and being a part of my life.

Good Shabbos!

Tis almost Shabbos in the dorm; our first one here. I am making cookies for breakfast. It gives me pleasure to make the girls happy. I am starting to get a taste of what being a mother feels like.

I am content. And life is good.

Something funny:
I hung up my birthday cards on my wall. One is a singing card from my family. It hangs half way open, and sometimes when I make my bed, or randomly, it swings open and suddenly I hear my family singing me happy birthday. It scared me once. Now it makes me laugh. It's like having them right there with me.

Have a good Shabbos, and don't forget to smile :)