Happy New Year

I mumble a thank you as he hands me my change and as I turn to leave he says, 'Happy New Year'.

I feel him staring at me, right through me, like he knows why I'm stocking up on candy, that he just knows as the new year comes in I will be celebrating it alone.

But he has just gone back to his phone, texting his girlfriend maybe. He doesn't care if I have a good year. He has wished me a generic happy new year as everyone does this time of year.

Happy New Year.

But is it? Is it happy? Facebook is getting ready for the new year with a special '2012 in review' feature, where you see all your pictures and statuses summed up in one neat little package with a bow. Can I sum up this past year in one sentence? Can I truly say that it was a happy year? Do I anticipate that this coming year will be filled with joy?

I don't know. I hate questions with no answers but the honest answer is, I don't know.

Last year I counted down to midnight smirking, thinking, 2012 is the year everyone says the world will end. And look at that- we made it through the year unscathed, and 2013 looms ahead.

Unscathed. What about inside of me? Can you see what I went through this year? The ups and downs, the hardships, the pain? Does it matter? That is all behind me now, as they say. Leave it in the past. I have milestones coming up, and anniversaries of past achievements. I have dates on the calendar that I will look at and say, thank G-d. Thank G-d that I got over that hurdle, that I passed that test, that I am still here to tell the tale.

"I get knocked down, but I get up again, you're never gonna keep me down." That song plays in my head. And it doesn't matter who the players are in my story, it doesn't matter where I've been. Because when you get to a certain point, even I get sick of myself and say, get over it. Move on. Stop complaining because there are people out there with bigger problems than yours.

And truthfully, it's okay. It was a decent year. Every year that passes I feel a little more mature, a little more settled, a little more sure of myself. I'm no longer that flighty unstable young girl who just wanted to run away.

I have 'those days' just like everyone else. Maybe more so. But I'm done with all that excitement. Going to Mahattan to watch the ball drop at midnight? No thank you.

Tonight I'm going to make cookies with my friends, turn my tongue blue with laffy taffys, and look forward to this new year.

Because whatever the year may bring, I know it will be good.

And the funny thing is, for once I actually believe it.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

Happy New Year to you and yours.

Ogres

"Ogres are like onions. They both have many layers." -Shrek

Don't be fooled by my smile,
Don't be conned by my good looks.
Don't think that you know me,
That one day is all it took.

My voice is hoarse now,
My eyes have long since closed.
The door has been shut.
Leaving you out in the cold.

I tried so hard to tell you,
I tried to make you see.
But you didn't understand,
You never knew the real me.

Underneath all my layers,
Beneath all the lies,
Lay that scared little girl,
They had smothered her cries.

"You will never be accepted,
Unless you behave just the same."
I don't know who to punish.
Where to place the blame.

I lived as a stranger,
Believing what they said.
Never trusting myself,
Or the voice inside my head.

My energy waned,
My strength bled away.
Waiting impatiently,
For that last final day.

From the cup of freedom,
I drank thirstily.
Wanting to inhale the scent
Make it a part of me.

I took off running
And never looked back.
No one to answer to,
No longer under attack.

Don't ask me who I am.
Don't ask me what I do.
Don't ask me where I've been,
Or where I'm going to.

Don't bother with me at all,
No need to worry your pretty little head.
I'll be gone tomorrow,
Bother someone else instead.

This game is exhausting,
I don't want to play.
Please just let me dream,
We'll try another day.

"What's your name?"
Hi, I'm....Altie.
I watch her eyes,
They stare at me blankly.

I let her off the hook easy,
It's okay, you don't know me.
You never did,
You probably never will.

Underneath the many layers,
There's a voice waiting to sing.
But don't call my bluff.
Deep down inside you might just find....

Nothing.

Oh the possibilities....

The saying goes, "The possibilities are endless." But are they? I'm sure possibilities run out after awhile.

I saw an old man wearing two different shoes.

I saw a tiny dog being carried around in a dog carrier.

I saw a man walking from house to house leaving fliers. It was cold out. I thanked G-d that I have a job where I can work inside.

I assumed the old man was homeless and the dog was claustrophobic. I assumed that the man needed the money because who would willingly work outside in the freezing cold walking from door to door. But who knows what really was.

The world is huge, the people are many and there are endless possibilities.

Did you ever meet a nice guy and wonder, 'what if'?

Oh the possibilities...

My parents are in town for Shabbos. I bought my mother mint-chocolate candy canes because she likes peppermint. I didn't know if the chocolate mixed flavor would go over well with her. She said she loves them but who knows, she lied to my sister and said her food was good when we all agreed it wasn't.

Have a wonderful Shabbos and remember, there are so many possibilities out there just waiting for you to discover them.

Church Hats

I love shopping and I hate shopping. Depending on the day, on my mood, and on the size of my bank account.

Going shopping straight from work is exhausting, but it beats not shopping at all.

I love that free feeling you get, when you are with friends and you try new things for the fun of it. I love trying on sky-high heels and imagining myself actually being able to walk in them. I tried on a ridiculous pair of boots and laughed because they are so not my style, but then thought hmm maybe I'll get them. But I didn't.

It is so much fun going shopping with friends. Absentmindedly trying on a hat only to hear her say, 'oh that looks so good on you'. Again, not my style. But it was cute.

We both tried on hats that I will call 'church hats'. Big, loud and boisterous, with a huge bow on top. One hat looked like a bee hive, and for some reason it kept slipping down to her nose. We had someone take a picture of us in our 'church hats' and laughed so hard.

I came home utterly exhausted, with one pair of so-so boots.

And no church hats. Maybe another day.

If the dress fits...

So many choices in life.

So many decisions.

Bright and glaring.

Demanding attention.

Choose.... or else.

Or what?

I don't know.

But the pressure is crushing.

It is literally stifling.

I can't breath.

The decision is- ice cream or candy.

Biggest decision of my life.

biggest decision you will ever have to make.

They say if the dress fits- or is it if the glove fits. Whichever.

If it fits and it's gorgeous, does that mean you should buy it?

Spend $1600.00 on a coat???

I don't know. I can't decide.

The music playing in the background is soothing.

I can feel the people staring at me from the other side of the glass. Watching me. Waiting for me to decide.

I can't see them, but I know they're there.

If everyone tells you that the dress fits- why can't you imagine hanging it in your closet?

Why do you run- to no where?

The funny thing is, nothing is open on the holiday, there is no where to go.

Leave the dress on the hook for now. Decide later.

Biggest decision of my life.

Ice cream or candy.

I choose- neither.

You look better with the lights off

In my office, there is secular music playing all the time. Usually it is just like background noise, I don't hear it. I was talking to a co-worker and I happened to listen to the lyrics of the song.This is what I heard:

"Don't take this the wrong way... But girl, you look better with the lights off."

I was appalled. I said it is derogatory to women and horrible in general. My co-worker laughed and said, no one listens to the words, and all songs say similar things.

I took a look at the lyrics. It starts off pretty nice, a guy telling a girl that he thinks she is pretty:

You're a dime (so beautiful)  
Top of the line (so unusual)  
Words can't define,  
You're running through my mind all day  

I'm so happy you're mine (so beautiful)  
Top of the line (so unusual)  
Now I think it's time, hey Shawty  

And then he ruins it by saying:
 
"I hope you don't take this the wrong way  

Girl you look better with the lights off,"

The rest of the song goes on to say

"I mean you already fine though,  
I just wanna see you with the lights off  
Every guy wanna know how it is  
To clap off the lights and turn Khole to Kim."

For those who don't know, Chloe and Kim are sisters. So this guy is saying that the girl is interchangeable.  

Then he pressures her to come back to his place by saying that he has other places to be but she is welcome to tag along.

 

"But whatever you plan gotta be done at 8  

Next Stop.  

Party at my place, of course you welcome girl,  

You ain't taking up space"

How very reassuring.

Yes it's just a song. But this is a pervasive attitude in the secular world. Women are not respected. They are treated as bodies and nothing more.

A guy in my office recently got engaged. There is a non Jewish girl who works with me and she is curious about our religion and always asks interesting questions which we try to answer. For some reason the topic of intimacy and family purity came up. We were telling her in brief what mikva is all about, how a man has to separate from his wife during her time of impurity, etc. She said in her marriage it is all about pleasing the husband, and we explained that in Judaism a man has an obligation to please his wife. 

She found it interesting and joked about how she will tell her husband that they need to separate for two weeks. But she reacted positively, and said she wanted to become Jewish because 'it is a good idea'. 

I see such a big difference between how women are treated in the secular world and in the religious world where I grew up. And this song is only one example.

Whether this guy is telling the girl that she is not pretty so he only wants to see her in the dark, or insinuating that she is only pretty if she sleeps with him- either way, it is a disgusting way to treat women and a sad representation of the male species. I would like to think that the guys who treat girls this way are only the minority.

 

Let there be light.

So many questions

Did anyone notice the incessant questions on Facebook recently?

How's it going, Altie?
What's going on, Altie?
How are you doing, Altie?
What's happening, Altie?
How are you feeling, Altie?

I will attempt to answer them:

It's going great, Mark Zuckerberg.
Nothing much, Mark Zuckerberg.
I'm doing great, Mark Zuckerberg.
Life is happening, Mark Zuckerberg.
I'm feeling fine, Mark Zuckerberg.

Dear Mark Zuckerberg,

I sincerely appreciate your intense curiosity as to my whereabouts and my mental and emotional stability. I hope I have answered your questions honestly and adequately. It is so nice to know that there is a big guy sitting behind a desk somewhere who is interested to know how I am. I am doing great. If that answer changes by tomorrow, I will be sure to let you know.

I hope that you, Mark Zuckerberg, are doing fine as well. Be sure to leave a message on my wall, so I will know that you are okay.

Signed,

The-girl-who-takes-things-a-little-too-literally-and-is-pleasantly-surprised-to-know-that-someone-wants-to-know-how-she-is-feeling

'Tis the Season to be Jolly....

I love this time of year. I love the pretty holiday lights adorning the trees. I love the 'Seasons Greetings', I love the feeling in the air. Everyone is nicer around this time of year, cheer and goodwill being passed around. Kosher or not, I find myself humming the tunes to the holiday songs in the malls. They are very catchy.

'Tis the season. I look around me and everywhere I go I see people wearing red Santa hats. Maybe they are on sale at the Good Will store. They are cute and fun and in the holiday spirit. But they are most certainly a seasonal item.

A business acquaintance of mine was selling Chanukah items online a few weeks ago. Menorahs, candles, dreidels, etc. Someone bought a Menorah and then wanted to return it saying that their boss didn't like it. The guy said, this is a seasonal item, I can't take the return because I can't resell it after the holiday.

If someone were to wear a red Santa hat in the sweltering heat of July they would be looked at like they were deranged. Unless they were homeless, and then it might be excused by saying they got it for free. There is obviously a time and place to wear such clothing.

There is a time and place for everything.

"How can I help if I think you're funny when you're mad
Tryin' hard not to smile though I feel bad
I'm the kind of guy who laughs at a funeral"

Some people express the wrong emotions at any given time. Some people behave in ways that they shouldn't. The excuse that 'everyone else is doing it' won't hold up in court.

Make sure you know how to behave all the time. You don't want to get caught wearing a red Santa hat in July. 

In the business of lying

Integrity. It is hard to come by these days.

I don't know if I've ever come across a truly honest business in all my years of employment, and I include summer camps in that as well. There was always something that was slightly off. Some way where there were corners cut, things going on 'under the table', for the benefit of the employer. I really don't like working like that.

There was the camp I worked at one summer. We were a group of 8 girls, and we were given a mini van to drive- that sat 7. Do the math. I said, Rabbi, we need a bigger car. His reply: one girl can sit on the floor. I don't like people who think things are 'not a big deal', especially if it is involving the safety of other people.

Right out of seminary I eagerly circled the 'help wanted' ads and looked for a job. I finally got a job after emailing the guy 3 times with no response. He hired me because he 'liked my persistence.' Duh. Just respond to my first email and I have no need to email you again.

I will not say what the name of the company was, for privacy purposes, but the business in short, helped people who were in debt. Great worthy cause, you say? Well, the way it was done was to have girls like myself call up the bank and say "Hi I am so-and-so, I just lost my job, my husband is sick, we are being evicted, yadayada, I can't pay my bill, can we settle for X amount". That is called impersonating someone, and in addition to lying I am pretty sure it is illegal. After a few days there I was very uncomfortable with lying so I asked my boss and he said, in short- his business was endorsed by many Rabbis, he is helping poor families who owe a lot of money, and he basically insinuated that it is not my place to ask such questions. After a week, he said this is not working out, which worked great for me because I wanted to quit  but my father suggested to 'stick it out'.

It is so hard for me to lie. Who I work for or what I do is not important. But I constantly come across dishonesty, and it bothers me. The company line is, "it's business". So I guess, lie a little to get ahead? I asked my mother if there are any businesses that are completely honest and she said no.

I hope one day to be self-employed, to be able to make my own set of rules and conduct, and I hope that I can remain 100% pure and honest. To me, integrity comes before business or money any day. And if I am called a fool- so be it.

Say Nothing

They say the world is ending today. Good, because I'm tired and don't want to go to work tomorrow.

I had one of those days, the days where you come home and collapse and say, I need a break. Everything seemed to go wrong. My work wasn't good enough, I wasn't understanding people. That is when I sigh in exasperation and say "I hate people". Because sometimes people annoy me and I can't deal with them.

Sometimes I find it better to just keep quiet. Rather than talking yourself into a corner, stop talking. I think I have to figure out a way to deal with my co-workers as well as our clients without showing my annoyance. I should probably also get more sleep.

This week was a long stressful exhausting week and I am so glad it is over. I am about ready to move to an island and never have anything to do with people again.

Hibernation. Vow of silence. These are sounding good right about now.

TGIF.

I miss you (just a tiny little bit)

All emails gone now,
no trace that we ever met.
Sometimes it hurts
when I remember the things you said.

I haven't thought of you
in a long time now.
Until you pop up unexpected
random places, somehow.

It hurts no longer,
more like a dull ache left over.
You won't ever know,
because it doesn't really matter.

I made a choice,
the best thing for me.
I won't go back on my words,
there is no more "we".

You once told me of a song
that makes you sad when it plays.
It reminded you of me,
back in the good ole days.

I hurt for you,
wishing you'd move on.
Get over me,
learn new lyrics to the song.

But one night all alone,
your face popped up on the screen.
The words, "I miss you"
appeared in my head, unseen.

Doesn't matter really,
You won't ever matter again.
I chose a different path,
how I wanted my story to end.

Ya, I might think of you,
from time to time.
I might even transcribe it
in this silly little rhyme.

One day I'll look back
and it will all be clear.
Why I went through those things
that brought me here.

And your face, I'll see no longer,
and your voice I will forget.
And life will go on
as if we never met.

But tonight, for a fleeting second,
I missed you.
And I wonder if
you ever miss me too.

True Friends

True friends are the ones who are able to read between the lines, and know that when you say, "No need to bring me anything", they show up at your door with candy.

I definitely know how to pick them :-D   :-D

Living Single

I type this with hands numb from the cold. Why I felt the need to transcribe this right away is beyond me. Maybe I miss my mother's sympathetic 'poor Altie' every time I tell her of an unfortunate event that happened to me. So you, dear readers, will now be my sympathetic audience.

I have said that there are many great things that I enjoy about living on my own. (By that I mean independently of my family, not physically by myself.) Some of these things are, no parental scrutiny, (as if I have anything to hide), come and go as I please when it pleases me, buy whatever food I want, living by my own rules, etc.

Now I will discuss the downside of living on my own, and it has to do with my numb fingers.

If I don't buy food- I don't eat.

If I don't do laundry- I don't wear clean clothes.

If I don't buy shampoo- I don't wash my hair.

Now, in my defense, it has never come to that. I think it would be a sad sad day when I let myself go that much. Yes, there are times when I am too tired or too lazy to cook dinner and I have no normal ingredients to cook with anyway, so I will order dinner right to my door and it is awesome.

But then there are times like tonight. If I forget my key and there is no one else home- I sit outside for an hour in the cold drizzly weather waiting for someone to come home and open the door.

Sigh. I wish I was one of those people who knows someone for every situation. Like, hey I'll just call my friend the burglar locksmith to come open the door for me.

I could have done a number of things- hung out in a store, gone to my brother's apartment, crashed at a friend. But I didn't think it would take that long. So I sat and I waited and I wished that I was inside and that I heard the bell ring and I said, "Oh how annoying it is that I have to get up and open the door because some girl forgot her key". And now that girl is me.

Now I feel bad for homeless people.

Eight Nights

The last night of Chanuka is always a little sad, saying goodbye to the Menorah until next year.

Enjoy your last jelly doughnut!

Rush

I love that harried hurried haggard feeling you get,
the one that comes once a week, every Friday afternoon.

The one that puts you in good spirits,
where everyone wishes everyone who is anyone a 'good Shabbos'.

When all the frum Jews are out and about,
doing last minute shopping.

Flower vendors on every corner,
waiting patiently for their customers.

Store gates half down, ready to close as people rush towards the registers
arms full with last minute much needed purchases.

I love the feeling in the air,
that feeling so elusive but so tangible.

The clock ticking down,
one hour left to go.

I can almost smell the chicken soup cooking
on stoves throughout the neighborhood.

Chullent quietly bubbling in crock pots.
Last minute 'hop in the showers'.

Waiting for it to wind down,
waiting for the sound of the siren.

Heralding in the blessed peaceful day
which we wait for the whole week.

Siren sounds,
almost there.

Hair wet, getting dressed,
rushing.

Rushing.

R u s h i n g.

R  u  s  h  i  n  g.

R   u   s   h   i   n   g.

No more time.

Wave my hands over the candles,
cover my eyes and breath deeply.

Peace descends,
no more rushing.

It's Shabbos now.

Myself, myself!

My niece is adorable, and she started showing a strong independent side at a young age. She is 2 (and 3/4, close enough to being 3!) and being that I hardly ever get to see her, I try to bond with her when I go to visit. I took her on the swing, and when it was time for her to leave, I held her and started carrying her. She protested "Wanna walk, wanna walk!". So I quickly put her down.

She is constantly telling her mother, "I do myself, do myself!". Can't wait to see her when she starts dressing herself.

According to my mother, I was also an independent child. She tells me that I refused to hold her hand when we walked outside, that I ran ahead by myself. Children are like that. They want to explore the world in the protective bubble their parents create for them, exuding as much independence as they are allowed.

I love being independent. I didn't learn how to cook or bake until I was 16, (and away from home), because my mother always did everything for us. When I was 18 she offered to call summer camps for me to find me a job. To which I said, no thank you I can do that just fine by myself thank you very much.

I am now living on my own, fully self-supportive, and loving it. There are rare times when I will ask for help, and when I do it is usually out of desperation.

There was the time I agreed to substituted for a friend in a playgroup in Manhattan. I am not proud of it, but I am not very familiar with the City. I took the wrong train and ended up on the opposite side of town. I was already running late. So I called my father. At the time, he was paying my cell phone bill, and had the GPS tracking activated. He went online, saw where I was, and told me how to get to my destination. (That was before I owned a smart phone.)

I don't like to ask for help, or directions. I pride myself on being able to figure things out on my own. I'm going through a stage at work with a co-worker of mine, where instead of asking him every time I have a tiny question, I try my best to figure it out on my own. He is finding it really funny, and told me that he doesn't mind me asking him questions. But I avoided him all day (he laughed every time he saw me and I didn't say a word to him.) We will see how long that lasts.

I have another problem, and that is procrastination. (We will not get into it here. This is not mental therapy time.) Procrastination, together with not asking for help, makes for pretty disastrous and stressful situations. And when I am stressed plus desperate and pressed for time, I make bad decisions.

The funny thing is, I usually know all along that I can do it just fine on my own, and that I don't need help. I want help. I want someone else to do it for me. I want support. I want a cheering squad. I want someone to tell me, "You are doing great, you can do this, you will be just fine." (Just realized that sounds like something you tell a woman in labor.)

But the truth is, I can do it by myself, just as I've done just fine on my own until now.

Now, if I can only figure out how to stop procrastinating and get to work...

Why are you following me?

Alone.

It is such a weird word. It can be used in so many situations and mean different things.

'A lone wolf'. A brooding guy sitting at a bar drinking a beer and giving off signals that say keep away.

'Leave me alone'. I don't want you around right now, so stop bothering me.

'Alone with my thoughts'. A peaceful kind of solitude, undisturbed by other people.

Lonesome. Lonely or deserted. Remote; isolated.

Sometimes I enjoy being alone, like a Saturday night curled up in pajamas and a sweatshirt eating popcorn and watching a movie.

Sometimes I feel lonely even in a crowded room, maybe I want someone to come over and talk to me or maybe I'd rather not be there at all.

Sometimes I hate being alone, my apartment is too quiet, so I hang out with some friends or go to a crowded place just to drown out the silence.

I'm walking by myself late at night, and there is someone walking in front of me. I try to always be aware of my surroundings, but instinctual or not, I never turn around when I hear another person walking behind me.

Many people do. They hear leaves rustling and they turn around and glance at me and then continue walking.

I look harmless enough. Just an innocent girl walking alone at night.

Stop looking at me. I am not following you. I am not trying to stalk you. You do not even have anything that looks worth stealing.

It is an annoying habit that people have.

And I just continue on my way thinking of my next destination, or a book I'm reading, or anything at all.

Today I heard someone walking behind me and did not turn around. I figured they would pass me by. I unlocked the door to my office and walked inside- and sensed someone behind me.

I turned around on the stairs to see my co-worker walking up behind me. Apparently he had been 'following' me for about a block or so and didn't bother to say 'hey what's up'. I told him he could have been a killer and he said 'I know, right?'

That should teach me to be more careful.

Free-Fall

I love the freedom of driving. I love being in control. Every time I am 'home' I take the opportunity to go for a drive just for the fun of it.

There is a hill near my house, and I have one guilty pleasure. On my way home, every time I approach the top of the hill going down, I press the gas peddle and then let go.

I feel like I am flying, suspended in free-fall. My stomach gets the lightweight feeling it does when I am in a rapidly descending elevator.

There is a stop sign at the bottom of the hill and I know I have to slow down and prepare to stop.

But for that one moment, I just let go and enjoy the fall.

12/12/12 12:12

Dear World,

I can't resist documenting this. That was even fun to write. One more time:

12/12/12 12:12 PM.

Now we just need to add a new month so we can have 13/13/13.

Oh well.

This is not pretty

Dear MTA,

Screw you. You suck. And you owe me $6.75. I'll take a check, please.
Train not running-->already paid the fair-->transfer to bus for free-->need to transfer to another bus-->charge me again. Not my fault.
Okay, the whole trip was a waste really. A waste of time and money. Who shall I sue...?

I have a saying. It goes:  "Without pudding, there is no fun in life." (Copyright 2012). 

Tonight, I didn't have pudding. But, it being Chanuka, I went to get donuts. I would like to say, "It's all good" (copyright 2012) but it's not really. 

I need a release. What do you do? Do you run? Do you scream? Do you punch? I have pent up energy (annoyance) and I don't know what to do with it. 

Cover your ears please:

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


I think I feel better now.

Wait- 

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Wow. Okay. Who said virtual screaming doesn't help?

Happy Chanuka.