Happy birthday to me!

Yup, it's that time of year again. Wait for it... wait for it...

"Go, shorty
It's your birthday
We gon' party like it's your birthday"

To all my readers: 

On the occasion of my birthday, I would like to bless you with all good things, physically and spiritually. May you be successful in whatever you put your heart to, may you have direction in your life, may you only ever see revealed good in everything, and may G-d grant you your hearts desires for good. It should be a good fulfilling year for me, for you, and for all Jews and humankind. May we see the revelation of Moshiach now!

If you would like a specific bracha feel free to email me at altie47@gmail.com

I would like to ask all my readers to do one mitzvah (good deed) today in honor of my birthday. That could mean giving charity, doing someone a favor, smiling at someone. Anything big or small. 

Happy birthday to me! And of course, gifts are always welcome :)

When the world stood still

So much color around me,
things spin as I walk by.
The world is kind of on its side.

One eye open,
the other closed,
how many, know one knows.

I don't know what comes next
but now I want to sing.
Who knows what tomorrow will bring.

Water, they tell me
is the cure.
For what, I am not sure.

Smile and be happy
it's my birthday tomorrow night.
The future, I wish it were so bright.

The house is quiet.
I should go to bed.
So many thoughts in my head.,

Z, you are my rock,
you're always there for me.
Sometimes more than my family.

For all the things I write,
sometimes what I really want to say
will never make it to the page.

For audience,
as much as I love thee
you are not a part of me.

My head, it hurts.
My bed it calls.
And I just can't help but stall.

The night is quiet.
I am alone.
Sleep I will postpone.

Advice I do not ask for, but
So much stuff they say
I wish they'd go away.

Genie in a bottle,
I'm ready for my wishes three.
Will you grant them if I ask nicely?

Sometimes you just don't get me,
or the things I say,
you would think it's all cliche.

But this is me.
I never lie.
I very rarely cry.

So please don't hold me back.
My future, it awaits.
As soon as I open the gates.

Thoughts swirl in my head.
Tomorrow today will be gone.
But there is always a new dawn.

Sleep, it draws me in.
I do not want to let go.
There is so much I don't know.

They say that it is fine.
That it'll all be okay.
That tomorrow is a new day.

I so want to believe this.
I want it to be true.
Especially coming from you.

So I will go to bed now.
And remember the things you say.
Cuz when tomorrow comes, I don't want it all to go away.

Blank page

She asks me to write something for her.
Because I'm good at it, she says.
Because I've written stuff for her sister.

 I tell her I'll give it a try.
She sounds all thankful and grateful.

My mind is blank.
I'm stuck.

I should know this stuff but I don't.
Where do you learn it?

It is something that grows over time.
I try to remember if I ever had it,
or was I faking it all those years?

I google it,
I search for it,
I panic.

I have been taught this since the cradle.
Since I was in first grade.

We would stand on a chair on our birthday and say what our birthday wish was.
We could have said anything we wanted.

A new toy, games, a doll.
But time after time the answers were exactly the same.

"I want Moshiach."
It was said with the sweetness and naivete of a young child who actually believed that wish would come true.

And not in 20 years from now.
But today.

I don't know what happened,
but I am not that little girl anymore.

You can ask me what I want for my birthday.
I might say a car, a new phone, a guy.

I will not say Moshiach.
Not because I no longer believe.

Not because I no longer care.
But because it got buried so deep underneath my search for life, for truth, for direction,
that I am not sure it will resurface again.

She asked me to write a poem
about the Rebbe.

Thanking him, dedicating to him, what he gave to us and how he helped us along our lives.
And my mind is blank.

And I don't know what that means.

Kids: bits and pieces

"Mommy, where did you go? When are you coming home?"

His voice cracks on these words and I can see the tears about to fall. It is so cute and yet I can't help feeling sad because he is.

He chats on about nothing. He tells me his mom went to Pennsylvania when I am sure I heard her say Maryland, but who cares. He knows where his mommy is and that she will be back tomorrow night. He gives her a few kisses through the phone and it is just so cute.

I lay next to him until he falls asleep, and though he swears it will take him 5 hours to fall asleep he is out within 20 minutes.

He asks me when I am leaving and I tell him tomorrow night. He tells me that he wants me to stay here forever, and somehow I wish I could.  

Of band-aids and hot sweaty days

He comes inside crying. I ask him what happened but he is sobbing too hard to tell me. I tell him to please stop crying and tell me what's wrong, I can't understand him.

He comes and climbs onto my lap, and through his tears I figure out that he fell on the steps. He skinned his leg.

And so I hold him tight and kiss his hot sweaty forehead, and I tell him that it is going to be okay. I rub his back, and apply the band aid that he brings me. I remind him that he is going swimming soon, I sooth him as I talk to him, and I hug him because I know I can make him feel better, I can take his pain away.

He walks away content, and I marvel at how simple children are.

I wish a band-aid and a kiss could fix all of our problems.

Sleep

Toss and turn,
can't fall asleep.
Feeling the pressure, need to get up in a few.

That stupid blue light
that shines so bright
and tells me how much time has passed.

My eyes are closed
but my brain won't stop moving.
My mind won't stop thinking.

I have a headache.
Feels like my head is bigger than it should be.
I really need sleep but it just won't come.

I try everything
except for counting sheep.
Cuz really, why imagine sheep flying over my bed?

It is 7 AM.
I have not slept a wink.
But I have to get up.

Searching for that one thing that evades me.
Begging for that escape that won't come.
I fall asleep when I don't need to.

But when I'm tired
and it's late
and I gotta get up early to take care of kids...

That is when sleep eludes me like wispy curls of smoke.
Coffee is not even strong enough now.

Hope everyone else has a good day.

Yeshiva blues

Little brother:

"Oh I'm going back to yeshiva soon".
 Picks up crumbled white shirt from behind the couch, sniffs it.
 "This'll do."
 Puts it on.

Seriously?

Happy Lag Baomer!

This is a very happy time for Jews. We make bonfires, have barbecues, celebrate. Those who are in Israel travel to Rabbi Shimon Bar Yochei's grave site.

A short synopsis from Chabad.org:

Lag BaOmer (the 33rd day of the Omer count) celebrates the end of the plague amongst Rabbi Akiva's students, and the ascent on high of the soul of Rabbi Shimon bar Yochai. The mourning practices of the Omer period are suspended, which is why many three-year-old boys receive their first haircut on this day. Many visit the gravesite of Rabbi Shimon bar Yochai in Meron in northern Israel. It is customary to go on outings and to light bonfires; children play with bow-and-arrows to recall that "during the lifetime of Rabbi Shimon the rainbow (--a sign of the world's unworthiness, as per Genesis 9:14) was not seen."

The Lubavitcher Rebbe initiated the organization of parades of Jewish unity and pride on Lag BaOmer and on a number of occasions (in 1953, 1956, 1957, 1960, 1966, 1967, 1970, 1976, 1980, 1983, 1984, 1987 and 1990) he addressed the parade held near his headquarters in Brooklyn in which thousands of Jewish children and their teachers participated.

This year, since Lag Baomer is on Sunday there will be a parade in Crown heights on Eastern Parkway in front of 770. It is very exciting, and everyone is invited.

I wish everyone a happy chag, and enjoy the day wherever you are!

Altie, Somewhere in the USA

So my parents are selling the house. For real this time.

It's funny how the house my family has lived in the longest is the one where I have been the least, and have hardly any memories with.

My first house I lived in for 3 years. Second house was 5 and half years. Third house was one and a half years. Fourth place was 4 years. This current house we have lived in for 6 and a half years.

But by the time we moved in I was away at high school and came back infrequently. This is not a place I call home, it is but a pit stop for me. A place to regroup, reassess. I come here for food and to do laundry, for a free roof over my head. For occasional company.

Where my parents will go from here is a mystery to me, and them as well. Right now everything is up in the air, and who knows where it will fall?

As for me, well my future is uncertain, I live day by day, I don't think about it until it comes. Okay on moving day I'll figure it out.

I might as well get myself a permanent address, kind of like the google voice of addresses. Instead of having a forwarding address all the time I will make my new address:

Altie
Somewhere in the USA

And somehow, whoever and whatever is looking for me, will find me wherever I am.

Who am I

I cry by sad movies. I cry and cry when someone dies. I know it's not real but I can't help it.

I like to sit by the water and feel the breeze on my face.

I love the sound of rain, the smell of it. I love the feel of it on my skin.

I love the feeling of Spring in the air, and knowing that summer is right around the corner.

My favorite colors are green and orange, though not together. When I was little I might have said blue. I changed it.

I get crushed when someone rejects me. As a friend, for a job. It hurts.

I love the smile of an innocent child, especially when they look guilty of something.

I discovered I like cookie dough ice cream.

I'm scared to try because I hate to fail.

I like reading books that have a happy ending.

I hate when people are upset at me, especially if they are justified.

In a book when a good person dies I go back just to see that they are still alive.

I have two hundred friends on facebook, but I am probably only friends with a quarter of them. Maybe less.

I would do anything for my friends, anytime, anywhere, any place.

I can't sleep without noise in the background.

Most of my fears are internal.

I don't like weddings.

I hate the color pink.

I paint swirls of color because that's how I feel inside.

Sometimes I just can't deal with real problems and so I pretend I don't have any.

Sometimes I do stupid things and then hope to G-d they don't come back to haunt me.

Sometimes those stupid things come back to haunt me.

I respect strength, and I abhor weaknesses. Especially in myself.

Sometimes I wonder why people don't get me, but then I realize that maybe only I will ever really understand Altie.

Words of wisdom

I want my words to sink in
like permanent ink on thin paper.

I want my words to hit home
like a punch to the gut.

I want my words to make a difference
like rain to parched earth.

I want to be an inspiration
to people who need hope.

But in order to do that

My words must leave my mouth.

Leave the paper.

Leave the virtual imagery that is the web.

Fly through the air on wings born of creation.

And find you.

Will my words ever find you, touch you, inspire you?

Or will they remain stuck in my head, unsaid, forever one with me?

You must return from whence you came

What goes up, must come down. It is simple laws of physics. Following that same rule, those who go, must return.

The water is gorgeous. It reminds me of sparkling diamonds. It laps up against the rocks and makes a deafening wooshing sound. There is an ebb and flow to it, a rhythm. This makes sense to me, this I can follow.

I close my eyes and take in the smell and the sound, eliminating my sense of sight. It is so peaceful here, where the world can't touch me. I am listening to my music, but I pause it and listen to the music of the sea instead. I take a deep cleansing breath, count to ten and let it out. I practice breathing slowly and focusing on my body. It is relaxing.

I open my eyes and everything seems much brighter somehow. Whitewashed. I know it is because my eyes were used to the sunlight beating down on me and the respite of closing my eyes made everything appear brighter. But I can believe that the world looks different now, fresher.

I climb over the rocks, looking for the perfect one. This one looks good, so I sit down and try to get comfortable. But it is on a slant and not good for sitting. So I look for a different one. This one is too hard, this one is too narrow. There seems to be a problem with every rock I choose. I force myself to sit still and stop moving so much. I feel like Goldielocks.

I look around me to make sure no one is witnessing my fidgeting. One last rock, and then I stay. In life you can't keep looking at what's better and bigger. As soon as you get what you want, you fantasize about a different one. You have to live in this moment, and not crave the next one to come and replace the current one.

Of course, the second I move rocks, I am suddenly almost certain that the previous one was more comfortable. So many to choose from.

I climb over all the rocks, jumping from one to the next until I get to the edge of the water. Suddenly, I am a little dizzy and nauseous. Suddenly I am not so calm and at peace as I was before. I know how to swim but the vast ocean makes me nervous. What if I fall in and no one can save me? What if I wake up and find myself in middle of the ocean with no land around me at all? I tell myself my fears are unfounded, but I am done standing here. Time to go back to solid ground.

I turn to go back over the rocks, when I realize that all those rocks I had so much fun jumping over are stretched out before me. Somehow it is easier to run away then to return. They are the same rocks but now they look more treacherous, more risky. I pick my way from rock to rock, and remind myself that I've done this before.

It strikes me that when I went the first time, I forgot about the return journey. And now here I am climbing over the same rocks again and praying that I don't fall.

No matter how far you go, you must always return home.

And home is where I am right now, with a much calmer disposition, and two bright red sunburns on my arms to show for my trip today.

 Sunburned arm

 other side of same arm

Contrast. Or as some girls call it, a 'tznius tan'.

Passwords

I try once, then I try again. Sweat starts to form on my forehead, but I push away the nervous feeling creeping over me and I try again. Something is wrong. It has to be. Why is it denying me access? You know me. It's ME! Let me in, what is wrong with you?

I take a deep breath and try again. And again. Access denied. The clock is ticking and I only have a certain amount of tries. What will I do if it doesn't recognize me? How can you do this to me, I CREATED you!

I am banging on the door but it remains locked. It doesn't know who I am, or if it does, it no longer cares. My heart lurches in fear, for if I can't remember, I may remain outside forever.

I search my brain trying to come up with the right combination that it may accept it this time. But I can't. There is too much in my brain swimming around, and it just won't come to me.

It's ironic, really. I created you to keep intruders out, yet you keep me out as well. I am no different to you than a stranger.

Red flashing, access denied, once again I am turned away. I can't remember my password, and in this nightmare, there is nothing I can do but hurl it across the room, slide down the wall onto the floor, and bury my head in my knees.

It's me, Altie. Why can't you just let me in?

My seat at the table

It is a coveted spot every Shabbos. Since I was little, the oldest child home was the one who got it. Of course I was jealous, but I bided my time until it was I who could sit there proudly. But my time never came.

One sister went off to school, but there was still one on top of me. Somehow by the time I was supposed to be the oldest girl home, my older sister was living at home again. I just couldn't catch a break.

But this Shabbos, oh this is going to be great. The only ones home are me and my little brother. The house is so quiet and peaceful. And this Shabbos I will not have to fight for it, that seat is mine by right.

Yes I realize it is because I am the only girl home. But it is still nice.

I get to sit at the head of the table, right near my father. :) Some parts of childhood never go away.

Have a good Shabbos everyone.

Oh Mr. Sun, how we love thee

The sound of the wind rushes past my ears. It is deafening. It swirls around me and plays with the tails of my open sweater, causing it to billow around me. The sun is out, the rain is gone, and it is a glorious day.

Well hello there

It is 6:30 am and I am ready to go to sleep, when most of the East Coast is just waking up. Scratch that, it's a Sunday, give them a few more hours to sleep.

People ask me how I am and I say I'm fine. And that's the honest truth. I'm better than fine.

I couldn't stop smiling since the moment Rabbi told me I'm out of a job. They decided to close down the dorm, so my job there is done. Some people might be devastated by this turn of events, or unsure of what to do next. I can assure you, what comes next in my life is one big question mark. But I am okay with that.

There is a certain beauty in not knowing what comes next. A certain freedom. I am free to go wherever I want, do whatever I want, forge my own path, create my own future, I am free!

And my choice was to stay up all night and sleep all day. Well, I'll figure that out too.

I put my trust in G-d that everything will turn out for the best. Oh don't get me wrong. I am planning as well. Looking for a job, looking for cheap tickets to anywhere so I can take a vacation and get away, thinking about the future.

But there is a part of me that knows that no matter what I do or don't do, G-d has a plan in mind for me. And it was set in motion the second I drove away from Connecticut with all my stuff.

Goodbye past year, hello future.

Hit me with your best shot!

Through the fog

Eyes glued to windshield
hunched forward in the seat
trying to see
trying to stay in control.

There is nothing to see
and no where to go
except for the long winding road
leading nowhere.

Through the trees
twists and turns
the fog so thick
I'm sure I can cut it.

I am scared.
Approaching headlights
may spell my doom.
One mistake is all it takes.

But there is no stopping,
only moving forward, onward.
For the one who stops
may very well be the one to cause the crash.

I hold my breath and keep going.
I am shaking.
Concentration a necessity
holding the wheel tightly.

I want to close my eyes.
Take a break.
Wait till it clears.
But no such relief.

The fog engulfs me
holds me tight
surrounds me.
There is no stopping now.

Will I make it?
Or will I get lost in the fog
forever wandering
trying to find my way back home.

:) :) :)

To think it's been a whole year... 13 months to be exact approximate.

I am of course talking about this. Tonight and tomorrow, the first day of Chol Hamoade is my niece Rochel Leah's first birthday!

My sister and brother in law and niece spent the first days of yom tov with us. It was so nice to see her smile, hear her garbled baby talk, even hear her cry and have diapers in the garbage. It's been a long time since there has been a baby in my family.

She is a gorgeous pretty princess and I love her. (I didn't buy her a birthday present cuz come on, she will never remember anyway. I need to reserve it for when she is older and can actually remember that I am indeed her favorite aunt.)

Happy pesach everyone, and to lots of simchos and happiness.

Star light, star bright

One night I woke up and glanced at the clock. It read 4-something AM. My first thought was what woke me up in the middle of the night? And then I realized something was wrong. I could see the clock. I could read the numbers. It took awhile until my foggy brain cleared, and then I noticed my eyes were dry. I had forgotten to take out my contact lenses before I went to sleep.

The first thing I do when I wake up in the morning, after I shut off my alarm, is to grope blindly for my glasses. Before I put them on, everything is blurry. If I ever have to use the bathroom in middle of the night I usually dont bother to put on my glasses, since I only keep one eye open in the hopes of not actually waking up.

I never really think about it because that is my reality. My world is naturally blurry, unclear. Without my glasses I see shapes and colors, but nothing really makes sense to me. Wearing contact lenses is the closes I will get to having the feeling of normal sight. But every night I have to take them out of my eyes. And once again the world is blurry.

Everyone needs a pair of glasses. Eyes to look through and see the world clearly, as it should be. Without it all we see are vague shapes and outlines. Without it we have no direction, we are lost.

For some people this is their parents, or a teacher, or a rabbi. As a Lubavitcher I turn to the Rebbe for guidance, and my mashpia. Sometimes my parents.

Sometimes when something is unclear for you it is time for a second opinion. A different perspective. You need someone who will be your glasses, who will guide you in what to do and show you what you cannot see.

A joke:

Through the pitch-black night, the captain sees a light dead ahead on a collision course with his ship. He sends a signal: "Change your course 10 degrees east."
The light signals back: "Change yours, 10 degrees west."
Angry, the captain sends: "I'm a navy captain! Change your course, sir!"
"I'm a seaman, second class," comes the reply. "Change your course, sir."
Now the captain is furious. "I'm a battleship! I'm not changing course!"
There's one last reply. "I'm a lighthouse. Your call."

Sometimes we need that light to show us the way. The constant, the one that never moves, never falters. The one that keeps us on course.

Every once in awhile it is good to take stock of our lives and say where am I headed? Am I going in the direction I should be? How do I intend to get there? What tools along the way will help me to my destination, my goal? What is my goal?

Of course it helps to put on our glasses, look at our lives from a different perspective.

And know that if you are ever lost there will always be a light to guide you back home.

Only human

I don't want to go to sleep at 3 am when I know I need to wake up at nine.

I don't want to be upset because my family invited the whole neighborhood to our barbecue and I am not in the mood for company.

I don't want to be tired and moody because I took care of 7 kids today and they are not even mine.

I don't want to bother my little brother and have him bother me back.

I don't want to not help for pesach and have my father be disappointed in me.

I don't want to waste my vacation and then regret it when it's over.

I don't want to be pessimistic all the time.

I don't want to be jealous because someone got their article published.

I don't want to feel threatened by other people's success.

I don't want to be bored and watch meaningless tv shows.

I don't want to write a list of all my faults and moan the fact that my life is going no where.

I don't want to waste the brains G-d gave me and say oh well high school's over I guess I won't learn anything now.

I want someone to believe in me and give me a chance.

I want to believe in myself and give myself a chance.

I want to be happy.

I want to find something to live for.

I want to find purpose and meaning in life.

I want to get high off of life.

But I am only human.

I get tired.

I get cranky.

I get moody.

I am a pessimist.

I am selfish.

I am self destructive.

I create my own obstacles.

I am not the strong person that I know I could be.

I am not doing the best I could do.

I am not even doing a quarter of what I could be doing.

I made this list to make myself feel better about myself.

It is not helping.

It is just an excuse to waste some more time and try to convince others that I am not a loser.

I wish I wish I wish I was a genie.

In other news: some good quotes.

And remember, no matter where you go, there you are. ~Confucius

It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere. ~Agnes Repplier

There comes a morning in life when you wake up a new person; that is to say, you wake up the same person but you realize it's your own fault. ~Robert Brault

We must be our own before we can be another's. ~Ralph Waldo Emerson

I know well what I am fleeing from but not what I am in search of. ~Michel de Montaigne