Sometimes, most times, we have to work up the nerve to do something that scares us, makes us uncomfortable, takes us even a little bit out of our comfort zone. We ‘psyche ourselves up’, soothe our nerves with encouraging inner dialogue, like “you can do this” and “you’ve got this”.
Something as simple as asking for feedback from a new employer.
It’s not simple. It never is. But being a recent hire at a new company, and knowing that they are conducting ongoing interviews for additional positions, I got the feeling akin to a child knowing that their mom is having a new baby and feeling like they are being pushed out of the way, forgotten, unwanted even.
We all have ongoing inner dialogues in our brains, telling us all sorts of things, some good and helpful and some bad, unhealthy mantras that work to destroy us from the inside out. Why we do this is a study in human psyche, but we don’t always need to know the why, just that it is that way.
How does one ask for feedback without seeming needy and vulnerable? How does one essentially say, “praise me, like me, want me, tell me that I wasn’t a mistake” without sounding exactly like that?
First: Google it. Google tells me everything I need to know. Google says:
Be prepared. Ask your boss in advance for some time to meet and discuss a few things. This request can be in the form of a text or email. Do not elaborate.
Write down different points you would like to bring up. In my case, I wanted general feedback and a sense of how I am doing, being that I am coming up on the 3 month mark. I wanted to know if the company feels that I am adequately doing the job that they hired me to do. I asked for specific areas where I could improve, and brought in my own examples of things that were mentioned in the interview, which I was aware that now that my time was more full, some of it was being neglected.
My boss saw me in the morning and asked me if I was ready to meet with him. I was too nervous, so he told me to let him know when I was ready. I was trying to put my finger on it, that something that was making me anxious and unsettled particularly now, when things were going so well. Last week had been a stressful week, and I began to doubt myself and my abilities, question whether I was fulfilling my duties or if they would fire me at any second. The inner paranoia claws at you, whispers in your ear and makes you crazy until you just have to know, until you are ready to scream ‘Just do it already, fire me and get it over with!’
I debated whether I should even set up this meeting at all, but I finally decided that I needed solid feedback, specifically some sort of praise or encouragement, or I was bound to sink into a pattern of negative thought, whereby I convince myself that they don’t need me/want me/are looking to get rid of me.
I finally realized it halfway through the day. A visitor was buzzed in from outside, she came in hesitantly like she did not quite belong here, and said ‘I’m here for a second interview’. And that was it- the fear of being pushed out. I understood.
At my last job, I was there for about a year when I discussed with management that I needed assistance, that my job was too much for one person to handle. So they hired me an ‘assistant’ whom I trained in, and then they pretty much fired me. That kind of attitude creates a fear, an instability, that it can happen at any time, from anyone. Part of me realizes that this is just a job, but then again, it is where I choose to spend most of the hours in my day at the moment, it creates a stable atmosphere, it fosters trust and goodwill. Even as I logically knew that hiring for new positions would not threaten my own, I felt that I was not fully integrated in the company yet, not quite secure.
I finally got up the nerve to meet with my boss after lunch. I started off by telling him that I was looking for basic feedback and to make sure we were on the right page. He listened and let me speak, and then told me with such conviction that I had learned so much and grasped much more then they expected in this short time, and that it was tremendous how much I picked up. It felt good to hear it, even though they’ve mentioned it once before, and I knew it to be true.
He did give me some critical feedback, which was not a surprise to me, and then we discussed me taking on more responsibility and him not wanting to put too much on me at once.
All in all, it was a good meeting, and afterwards and for the rest of the day I felt like I could breathe easier, the stress was gone. I was no longer guessing or wondering or worrying.
Right before our meeting ended, he asked if there was anything else I wanted to say. I hesitated, and part of me fought to not say it, but it came out anyway:
“Do you think I’m a good hire?” (Validate me!)
“I think so”.
That’s what I needed to hear.
