Normal

It's a typical motzei Shabbos scene. She stands in her kitchen washing the dishes, sweeping the floor, putting away the challah cover, shaking out the table cloth, gathering up her kids' many articles of clothing to bring upstairs and wash.

The phone rings. And rings. And rings again. She answers it, and each time it is a different sibling, calling to say hi, how was Shabbos, who ate over, did your kids sleep, did they like the sweater we sent.

She discusses a purim party theme with one sister, and a newly purchased house with another sister, and when her mother, who has just eaten over that afternoon, calls to say how nice the meal was, they talk briefly.

Typical? Not for me. I try to avoid talking to my siblings as much as I can, and when I do, I rejoice that we managed to have a 4.5 minute conversation without fighting.

I lay on the floor playing with the baby, who is all smiles and refuses to go to sleep. The kids are in pajamas, also trying to stay out of their mother's sight and avoid having to go to bed.

It's snowing out, and I know I have to go home sometime, but I stick around because it feels so normal. Functional.

It's a typical motzei Shabbos scene, only not-so-typical for me.

I can't wait to have my own home and to create my own normal.

:(

Picking a fight
Mad that you're leaving
Mad at you for breaking free
And leaving me behind.
Forgetting me.
Funny how I always thought I'd leave first
And you would stay forever.

Funny how things change.
As much as we wish them
To remain the same
Forever.

Forever seems so long
And yet like that you will be gone
Forever.
And we shall never meet again.

That makes me sad
And mad
And so I fight you
Every step of the way
I contradict you
Disrespect you
Question you
When all I really want to say is that
I'll miss you.

But some things are better left unsaid.

Hiding

Like,
Lying under a pile
Of freshly laundered clothing
Relishing their smell
Their warmth surrounding you
In a hug.

Wanting to hold on
And never let go.
Eyes closed for so long
Never looking, never knowing
What's out there.
Cover your ears
Screaming 'lalala can't hear you!'
As if you could protect yourself
From the harsh reality
Called life.

Soon that bubble will burst
And you will fall
Free falling
Into the night
With no arms to catch you
And no where soft to land.

Cold

The cold
makes you withdraw
into yourself
wishing for warmth
and sun.

But the sun
has gone away
don't know when
it will be back
to stay.

I miss it.
Heightened anxiety
darker moods
uncomfortable
inside your skin.

Freezing wind
as icy as
your stare
when you look at me,
but I look away.

Don't want to see
the truth,
don't want to admit
that you're gone
and you're never coming back.

Want to know why
but don't want to ask,
what's the point.
So I stand in the cold,
waiting for the sun's return.

The Shikse

She was a Shikse, he was a Jew, that was all we ever knew.

My mom was a crazy baal teshuva, and that's how the story began, many years ago.

I can't say that it is over yet.

She thought she could 'save' him.

She thought she was doing the right thing by trying to break them up.

I think she was insane.

"You remember Patricia?"

No... blank stare.

"Patricia, Marc's wife."

Oh.... that Patricia. I thought she was called Patty.

She was never called Patty?

Her kid looks familiar. Zach, is it? I think I've seen pictures on Facebook.

Eleven, is he? Has it really been that long?

Do you even know who I am? Are we really gonna play this dance?

He reminds me of my dad, in that 'they must be related' kind of way. They have the same humor.

My mom keeps saying how important family is, which is kind of funny given our history.

I never had a choice.

But now I do.

I add 'Patricia' on Facebook.

Mending fences, one relative at a time.

No.

They say insanity is doing the same thing
over and over again
and expecting different results.
I guess that makes me insane.

The name of the game is heart break
and you are so good at it,
or is it me who
loves the drama.

Stupid, stupid, stupid,
for going after you
when you were so clearly
through with me.

Those girls who say
better to have the wrong one
than to have no one
has never met you.

Like Frankenstein's monster
I try to be
a little bit of everyone
hoping to be the one for you.

Except that gets me no where
but losing bits of myself
along the way,
pieces I didn't know I lost.

But I am pretty,
oh so pretty,
pretty and witty,
what more could you want?


You can't touch me,
you can't hurt me,
you can't find me
I must be hiding away.

There are so many reasons
for saying 'no'
I've heard them all,
I just don't care.

All it takes is one ''yes',
I've asked G-d
but all I hear
is silence.

Remember Tonight

White hot anger
coursing through me,
the cause partially
unknown.

Can't describe
the reason why
I'm so upset
about today.

The stress
was too much
everything
going wrong.

And you were gone
and I was left
to clean up mistakes,
to fix things.

I hate
when things spiral
out of control
as they often do.

Always playing catch up
never any time
to catch our breath
to recap.

I text you furiously
so mad
to the point of tears
unable to translate to words.

You call me seconds later,
I half expected it,
didn't want to answer,
hesitated.

But your voice,
your words,
they calm me,
bring me back from the edge.

You make everything
seem alright,
everything is manageable
to you.

We never had time
to talk,
but now somehow
we do.

I wonder what the score is,
you rushed home
to see the game,
but waste your time on me.

The snow falls softly around us,
your voice in my ear,
familiar and reassuring,
my stress ebbing away.

I'm going to miss you
when you're gone.
But I'm sure
you already know that.