Oh baby

He comes in smelling like smoke
that acrid stench that I hate
the one I'm coming to like
cuz it hangs around a lot.

Hey, I say, what's up,
it's been awhile since
I've seen your pretty face around here
what's new.

I'm good, he says,
I'm getting married.
Just like that.
Like a punch.

Ouch.
Isn't he like, 18, I whisper.
Office gossip.
That little kid that used to work here?

Oh ya, he's getting married.
I jokingly ask him if he's marrying a real girl.
What else can I say.
Hey baby, good for you.

It feels bitter every time,
like, hey kid give me a chance.
Oh ya and
you stink like smoke.

And we don't miss you around here. 

Entitlement

Do you own your life? Or do you walk around feeling like everything you have is borrowed, that it doesn't really fit you?

I recently applied for a new credit card. I've had a credit card for a few years but the limit was pretty low and they didn't want to raise it. In the interest of building up my credit, I opened a second credit card and was approved.

I waited for my card to come in the mail. It didn't arrive in the promised time. I thought, maybe it wasn't meant to be. But I called the credit card company to see why it didn't come. I expected them to tell me that I was never approved, that it was a scam and I wasn't getting a credit card. They merely told me that they saw the card was mailed out and I should have received it.

I waited a couple more days and it finally showed up. I excitedly followed the steps to activate it online, and looked forward to making my first transaction with my spanking new shiny credit card.

I tried it twice today in two different stores, and was declined. Again I thought, there must be something wrong, it wasn't meant to be, it's not my card, their gonna take it away.

I called the 1-800 service, and they were very nice and helpful on the phone. They explained to me that the card was declined because it wasn't activated. I tried to tell them that I thought I had activated it online. They said no problem, we can do it for you right now, and you are good to go.

I keep looking in my wallet at my new card thinking, is that really mine? What if it gets declined again? It is so easy to write it off and say, it was never mine, I don't own it, it doesn't belong to me.

I do that with knowledge too. When I explain something to someone, if I don't feel that I own it then I will always feel unsure in what I am saying.

The best way to go through life is to own what you have, what you know, what you are. Be proud and be confident in it, and everyone else will know that it is you, instead of something you are just trying on for size.

Comfort

This sweater
will never
be the same as the feel of your arms
around me.

It's cold
in that place
I no longer call home
but that's the way you like it.

You remind me
that I don't live there anymore
and I can go "home"
and make it as hot as I want.

But where is "home"?
My mind is tired
I'm cold
The hour is late.

I want to go to sleep
but need to drive there first
and it's so far away
and this place is tempting.

But I have to go back
to my life
and my little room
cuz this is not my "home".

I hug my Abba
I'll never be too old to hug him.
I drive back
trying to keep my eyes open.

I hug my mama
she's not that far away
but I miss her
and the comfort of her arms.

I buy myself a warm sweater
and stay in it all day.
It warms me
but it will never be the same as "home". 

Bye bye birdie

It's a bird, it's a plane, it's... Gone.

One second you are cruising up in the air and the next second you are gone.

It's been days and no one knows where you went.

It's a mystery. It's baffling, they say.

Scratching their heads. Hmm, where should we search next.

There are pictures of relatives with signs that say 'Have hope'.

The cynic in me wants to say, give up. They are gone.

But my family was not on that plane.

Days will pass and the search will dwindle.

Months will pass, and there will be few people left still looking.

Years will pass and some investigators in a dusty office in the basement will pore over all the information, and replay it over and over in the hopes of finding something that may have been missed.

One day in the far off future people will ask each other, remember that story, will the plane, the one that went missing?

Their companion will say, ya that was a real head scratcher. I wonder what really happened to it.

And then they will resume drinking their coffee.

And those 239 people will remain missing.

While I call it a mystery and go on with my day, families of those 239 people remain in mourning, never knowing what happened to their loves ones.

And one day even those last few will stop looking. 

One person can change the world

A shlucha passed away last night. She was 37 years old, and left behind 8 children. She comes from a family of 17 kids. I can't imagine what her family is going through right now. While I didn't know her personally, from the outpouring of comments and tears I know she was an amazing person who touched so many lives. 

BD"E... Her friends and family should find comfort. 

Today's Hayom Yom is eerily fitting: "Before embarking on a journey from your place of residence, arrange a Chassidic farbrengen and receive a parting blessing from your good friends, and as the familiar expression goes: Chassidim never say farewell, for they never depart from each other. Wherever they are, they are one family."

May this Purim be so joyous as to break through all the boundaries and be the last one we ever have to spend in Golus.  

Afterthought

I'd pick up a pen to write, but who writes with a pen anymore? Does anyone write at all? Once upon a time I thought I'd be a writer. Haha. I am majoring in English and I haven't written anything significant in a long time. I don't want to think about it.

The weather has turned nice and suddenly people are outside, sitting, talking, walking, playing ball. It's light out and I'm happy. Winter depresses me. I can't wait to shed my winter coat.

A group of kids were huddled in the park, playing some sort of game. It's fun to watch kids play. I don't want to be a kid. I want to watch them in their natural habitat. Maybe learn from them how to be carefree.

I'm tired. I've been baking. Cupcakes, cake, brownies, cookies. Some for Purim, some for birthdays, parties. I'm not much of a baker but I can figure it out. I don't take pride in what I make. I get nervous until people put it in their mouths and say how good it is. And even them I know I could have made it better.

I got a costume for Purim. It's a secret. We'll see if it works out. I decided it would be fun to dress up. Get in the spirit of things.

I have a confession to make. My life is very routine lately. Boring, even. I can't think of anything to write about because nothing inspiring ever happens to me. My thoughts run a mile a minute and the conversations in my head are funny. But nothing seems worthy to share with the world.

Oh hey, I forgot about you. Are you still out there? Ya you. In that creepy only-happens-in-movies kinda way, imagine me pointing at you through your computer screen. Why do I have to do all the talking? Why don't you share something for a change?

I'm tired. Going to sleep now. I'll be back. (Just as soon as I can think of what to say.)

Here comes the Sun

I close my eyes and feel you,
caressing my cheek like a lover might.
You surround me, but more, you fill me
and reach every empty space inside of me.

My eyes search for you,
I see you peeking through the clouds,
struggling to get out.
You crack the sky in half.

The glow spreads
until a ray reaches through
stretching out to earth
because you miss us as much as we miss you.

I smell you
fresh cut grass on a summer day
the scent of new clothing
smooth feel of bare legs.

You cushion my head like a pillow
seeping through my closes eyelids
turning the world orange
bright spots in my vision.

I'll forgive you sunburn,
and sweat
and discomfort
if only you would return.

Children sing about you
and ask you to shine down on them.
Well Mr. Sun, I've seen you
and you can hide no more.